Since I still have 30 minutes before going to work, might as well make a small update. I actually felt very very regretful for not going with my friends to Penang. For starters, I really need to stop neglecting my friends. I find myself missing them a lot. Since it's over, let me just take it as a lesson and move forward.
As my UEC results are coming soon, I'm having a slight insomnia as the days come closer. Even though I was very tired when the day ended, and slept at 10pm, I couldn't help opening my eyes in the middle of the night. At first it was 5am, then 4am, then 3am, then 2am... It's very troublesome for me, and I had to sleep at 11pm yesterday so I can totally wear myself out. But I still woke up quite early, which is 5am. I really hope that the day could arrive soon, so I can get back my sleep.
The happy thing is, I'm sort of ready to complete my application. My certificates are sorted (but haven't filed), my personal statement is done (few weeks ago), and my letter of working experience has been filled by the doctor. What could possibly go wrong? Hahaha, my results. Well, I'm still confident and optimistic about my results. But I should also start having some self-preparation.
Well, that's it. I have nothing much to say. I should go get myself a cup of coffee.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Saturday, December 5, 2015
having a 3GB data
It may not be a very significant change in my life, but I have started to notice how much time I had spent on using my data every single time I'm alone, doing nothing.
To be honest I hate myself for this, because whenever I feel like having nothing to do, I just swipe my phone, and looking back now, I'm just wasting my time. I should do something more meaningful, such as reading, revising, cleaning my room (again!), or even learning new things.
Every night, the last thing I do before I sleep is to close my data usage, and every morning, the first thing I do when I wake up is to turn on my data usage. I wonder if it's because I was taking a break from work and it made me unable to use my time efficiently, which is why I couldn't complete my IELTS practice books.
Anyway, I'm going back to being busy tomorrow, I am very excited. I found out that I'm just so obsessed (bad word) with being busy, I must be very very crazy.
Anyway, just a small reminder that I shouldn't dwell on my data anymore and should only use it when needed to.
Data is truly a waste of my time -_-
To be honest I hate myself for this, because whenever I feel like having nothing to do, I just swipe my phone, and looking back now, I'm just wasting my time. I should do something more meaningful, such as reading, revising, cleaning my room (again!), or even learning new things.
Every night, the last thing I do before I sleep is to close my data usage, and every morning, the first thing I do when I wake up is to turn on my data usage. I wonder if it's because I was taking a break from work and it made me unable to use my time efficiently, which is why I couldn't complete my IELTS practice books.
Anyway, I'm going back to being busy tomorrow, I am very excited. I found out that I'm just so obsessed (bad word) with being busy, I must be very very crazy.
Anyway, just a small reminder that I shouldn't dwell on my data anymore and should only use it when needed to.
Data is truly a waste of my time -_-
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Thoughts after an accident
So my friend actually told me to write a post about a car accident I was involved on the 1st of December, which I had not thought about it and never planned about it either. Anyway, it's quite a unique way to start a new month.
So I had my first car accident, not much of a trauma since it's just a small accident and no one was hurt one bit. I probably had mental issues about driving out again but I am sure it's just a small small consequence I had to bear at the moment. With a bit more bravery to drive again, I'm sure I will recover asap.
And I have to drive as it's my speaking test tomorrow. Actually a lot of good things are happening ever since the accident (it's only two days). For example, aside of winning the lottery, I also found out that my IELTS requirement for university is just a 6.0 (not 7.0 as I first found out), hooray!!
The accident definitely trained me to be more positive thinking, I had a terrible breakdown yesterday after doing the police report, which includes embarrassing moments such as crying while driving home and crying another 2 hours in my bedroom. I hadn't had a breakdown for months, this is quite new.
So after talking to a few friends, I felt so much better and I am very very very grateful to have these three (four?) friends. It may not be a lot, since I'm sort of a loner and has a very small social circle, but they mean the world to me, and I wouldn't want to lose them. I will truly treasure them a lot.
And here ends this small post. Aside, I'm very in love with f(x)'s "4 walls". Oh, and IU's calendar.
So I had my first car accident, not much of a trauma since it's just a small accident and no one was hurt one bit. I probably had mental issues about driving out again but I am sure it's just a small small consequence I had to bear at the moment. With a bit more bravery to drive again, I'm sure I will recover asap.
And I have to drive as it's my speaking test tomorrow. Actually a lot of good things are happening ever since the accident (it's only two days). For example, aside of winning the lottery, I also found out that my IELTS requirement for university is just a 6.0 (not 7.0 as I first found out), hooray!!
The accident definitely trained me to be more positive thinking, I had a terrible breakdown yesterday after doing the police report, which includes embarrassing moments such as crying while driving home and crying another 2 hours in my bedroom. I hadn't had a breakdown for months, this is quite new.
So after talking to a few friends, I felt so much better and I am very very very grateful to have these three (four?) friends. It may not be a lot, since I'm sort of a loner and has a very small social circle, but they mean the world to me, and I wouldn't want to lose them. I will truly treasure them a lot.
And here ends this small post. Aside, I'm very in love with f(x)'s "4 walls". Oh, and IU's calendar.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Today
It's been a long time since I blogged, and I'm doing it now because I wanna play the computer more, but not sure what to play; also I'm waiting for my Desperate Housewives to load.
Just a few things about my volunteering, I definitely need to be aware. I had made countless mistakes and I'm feeling very bad and very sorry about my carelessness. Especially my communication skills are so mediocre that I suck much at talking on telephones. I need to be really careful as these all counts to my future. Not only I need to get feedback but I'm sure in the future I have to do more of these.
Listening and speaking is really important, it's just like an IELTS test. Most of the times I couldn't give good response and it leads to big misunderstandings. Second is that I can't pick out words the other side is saying, so I have to be really really really careful and aware and sensitive. I have to be slow and steady, just like driving a car.
Okay, I suppose that is my remorse and sorry.
I still have to learn a lot more from other people. To be polite, to be kind, and to be brave.
Just a few things about my volunteering, I definitely need to be aware. I had made countless mistakes and I'm feeling very bad and very sorry about my carelessness. Especially my communication skills are so mediocre that I suck much at talking on telephones. I need to be really careful as these all counts to my future. Not only I need to get feedback but I'm sure in the future I have to do more of these.
Listening and speaking is really important, it's just like an IELTS test. Most of the times I couldn't give good response and it leads to big misunderstandings. Second is that I can't pick out words the other side is saying, so I have to be really really really careful and aware and sensitive. I have to be slow and steady, just like driving a car.
Okay, I suppose that is my remorse and sorry.
I still have to learn a lot more from other people. To be polite, to be kind, and to be brave.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Graduation and after
Graduation day, nothing much unless I have really strong bonds with everyone. I was quite surprise that I didn't cry and partly of me know why, because I cannot feel the sadness. And that's it. Graduation day, passed. Now that I thought about it, my mum brought me a gift, and it's very lovely. I usually don't get surprises because I'm too of a noobie. And I knew surprises too well. Sometimes people just don't hide their surprises too carefully, like my mum who took out the receipt of the gift she bought the day before graduation. Which is why I knew, but tried not to expect too much, and well, it turned out good. As for flower, my mum actually asked me if she should buy me one, and I told her no, cause it's just a waste of money and the flowers die. When Chiam got a fake flower from his society he was like fake flowers means fake feeling. But I think fake flowers can be kept forever. I sort of prefer fake flowers than real. You know what is the best, handmade paper or tissue flowers, which are beautiful, there is love in making it, and durability in keeping it. And not to mention, I have to say the biggest surprise is that tiramisu cake Jervain made for me.
And then is prom. Pictures says a lot more. No special feelings.
Yesterday is my first day to volunteer, what a great way to finally start the holidays!! The place is just wonderful and I love being busy and not lazing in house anymore. I hope to continue being so.
I seemed to forget my everyday grateful prayers, which is bad.
And I got an eye infection the first day of my work, after applying drops of neo deca and eye wash, it finally got better today. I think its a warning for me wearing makeup or straining my eyes few days in a row. And to be grateful that I still have my vision.Because of the eye infection, I am very sure my vision is greatly affected hence I need to do some checkups ASAP.
Short post today because I'm going now!
And then is prom. Pictures says a lot more. No special feelings.
Yesterday is my first day to volunteer, what a great way to finally start the holidays!! The place is just wonderful and I love being busy and not lazing in house anymore. I hope to continue being so.
I seemed to forget my everyday grateful prayers, which is bad.
And I got an eye infection the first day of my work, after applying drops of neo deca and eye wash, it finally got better today. I think its a warning for me wearing makeup or straining my eyes few days in a row. And to be grateful that I still have my vision.Because of the eye infection, I am very sure my vision is greatly affected hence I need to do some checkups ASAP.
Short post today because I'm going now!
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Holiday week
(Written yesterday - 4th November 2015)
I must say that my holiday life is always bland compare to others. It's not that I don't like having fun and prefer lazing in my house sofa, or watching dramas and movies. But it's that I don't have the resources into having a fun holiday. Or so I thought?
I sort of regretted that I stopped writing yesterday because eventually I forgot everything I wanted to write yesterday, now I just have to finish writing whatever happened yesterday and today. And also some of my feelings and conclusions.
So let me talk about this volunteer work I got. About this incident, I really want to thank Mike for encouraging me when I feel skeptical and anxious whether the clinic is going to accept my volunteer. I found him as a really good friend of mine now, as he helped me a lot, which includes during my exams he helped me with math and physics. After my exams, he helped me check my answers and console me if I don't feel good or doubtful about my results. He told me about The Law of Attraction, which I now truly truly believe, thanks to him. He told me not to stop believing that I will get the volunteer job in the clinic. He also advice me to stop swearing as this would make my first impression to people bad, and I have found myself more controlling of my language use and manners, of course except the fact that I pointed a middle finger to my best friend today.... err that's bad. He also encourage me to talk to Junren more, as he said that this is my last year, and I should befriend him again. So after a lot of discussion with him, I decided to write a letter and send to JR tomorrow (Cleaning Day). Wish me luck, fingers crossed.
Back to the volunteering, no one can believe how skeptical I have been during the past 3 days. When Mike told me about the Secret, that night I found my book and read again. And every night, I do those three things, Ask, Believe and Accept. During Wednesday, I called the clinic three times with no result, and that's when I found out that the clinic does not open at Wednesdays. So I decided to call on Thursday. Since the next day is my society farewell party, I wanted to bake cookies and called my mum to pick me to the closest bakery suppliers to buy the ingredient. When I was waiting at the lift, I had the urge to call the clinic again, but this time the number is a hand phone number written on their card. So I proceeded to call and to my excitement, the doctor himself answered the call. The doctor told me that they had lost my phone number and couldn't contact me and he said that I am allow to work. Sorry for the boring bits of details but at that point, I was really happy and laughed out loud on the street, which is embarrassing...
That is when I started to feel grateful to everything good thing that has happened to me. I should be grateful, and just happy about everything and being positive. For example that one time Mike told me that the road around my house is very difficult to drive. And I told him that it doesn't matter, because if I can master that difficult road around my house, it means that I can drive any road as well. Just a small normal story but it means a lot of change on me.
And I made cookies!!! Which is a good thing, as I finally got some "hobby" to begin with. Hope that baking can really be a lifelong skill.
That is the end of yesterday. Now today.
Today I went to school early, for the dissection for the frog. I think I will put this story later, it was nothing special, just the good thing is that the teacher complimented me and Priscilla for doing a good job in dissecting it, although we sort of destroyed the kidneys.
And my friends also said that my level of carefulness is high, okay I know that they could just be talking fun but to be honest, I am proud of myself being serious and careful when cleaning the bones. I hope that this inner merit of me can take me far on my journey to becoming a veterinarian.
And the next is the farewell party, not bad, everything went well. Very surprised with the huge amount of gifts. And they even ate finish all of my cookies!!! I'm very much pleased.
Just to say that these few days have really opened up my mind and made me a better person than yesterday. Also to just encourage myself, I even did my workout after reaching home eating a lot and it was already 7 pm and tired. Kudos for the 7 minutes. I hope to continue improving myself.
I must say that my holiday life is always bland compare to others. It's not that I don't like having fun and prefer lazing in my house sofa, or watching dramas and movies. But it's that I don't have the resources into having a fun holiday. Or so I thought?
Every time I think of going out, I will always remember the memory that I have, of sitting in a subway in Hong Kong, and going to the Andy Warhol exhibition at the Art Museum located in Tsim Sha Tsui. It reminded me of the joy of being alone and it's serenity. Too bad, compared to being a big country, Malaysia doesn't seem to have much options when it comes to serenity and peacefulness.
Well, I'm still here. And I figure it out that if I don't have the serenity I want outside, why don't I just enjoy the loneliness at home? Which is boring, relatively, but I'm sure I will work something out. For example, I finally got the volunteer job I yearn for so long (non-ending thinking about it for 3 days straight). This has eventually cut my home alone time short because I'm going out and I hope it to be busy and very busy.
The next is that I'm trying to learn a new language. Korean to be precise. And it's going to be self taught. I had this idea when I was a few years younger, when the k-pop/ drama craze went to the roof. Not me having k-craze, but the people around me. Those reality shows, Running Man, dramas, SNSD and such, it's pretty much the topic of everyone. And a lot of people learned Korean because of that. Well, I won't deny that k-craze has finally gotten into me, I listened to IU and Taeyeon, I love the reality show The return of Superman, and I just thought that it would be really amazing if I can understand what IU is singing and the interaction between dads and kids. I actually thought I can learn Japanese first because I love Japan, and I want to understand their language and when I go to Japan later I can communicate, and meet new friends. But Korean got to me first. So I got to my first lesson in learning Hangul, their vowels and consonants. So after learning how to read their letters, I guess I will start to learn some grammar and sentence structure. And the next will be basic vocabulary and hopefully I will start to read IU's lyrics. The Internet is a miracle, you can have everything you asked for. I also found some hacks on dealing with Kuwo's recent actions to charge some music due to copyright issues. I know downloading music is illegal but to make so many things work depending on money is very... disturbing. Well since IU's new album has charges, I used that hack (it's simple, everyone knows it except me) and I got IU's songs and it has bilingual lyrics, Korean and Chinese, that definitely helps a lot.
Also, there is the workout. Yay I finally got to my first workout. It's only been two days but I'm quite proud of myself. It's just 7 minutes but I really sweat a lot. And I finally get the feeling of being pleasantly sweaty that Jer Vain always told me about. Not to mention aside from the 7-minute workout I tend to do 30 minutes of cardio every morning (the stepping machine). I read that in the morning our blood sugar level is very low, and by doing cardio in the morning, our bodies tend to use the sugar stored in our fat as there is no sugar to be used in our blood. Okay, the fun of science. So it's been two days, and after my first workout, my muscles really feel sore and again I get to feel that pleasure my friend is so happy about. Oh yes, and I am very grateful that my period came at the beginning of the month so there is no excuse of skipping exercise because of my period. (Eureka!) I had my period at the 30th of October, and I really felt happy about it. Oh. Except the fact that I will be having my period during my class trip. (Dang it, I just thought of that in a sudden.) I suppose I will.... try to have fun.
(Continued today - 5th November 2015)
(Continued today - 5th November 2015)
I sort of regretted that I stopped writing yesterday because eventually I forgot everything I wanted to write yesterday, now I just have to finish writing whatever happened yesterday and today. And also some of my feelings and conclusions.
So let me talk about this volunteer work I got. About this incident, I really want to thank Mike for encouraging me when I feel skeptical and anxious whether the clinic is going to accept my volunteer. I found him as a really good friend of mine now, as he helped me a lot, which includes during my exams he helped me with math and physics. After my exams, he helped me check my answers and console me if I don't feel good or doubtful about my results. He told me about The Law of Attraction, which I now truly truly believe, thanks to him. He told me not to stop believing that I will get the volunteer job in the clinic. He also advice me to stop swearing as this would make my first impression to people bad, and I have found myself more controlling of my language use and manners, of course except the fact that I pointed a middle finger to my best friend today.... err that's bad. He also encourage me to talk to Junren more, as he said that this is my last year, and I should befriend him again. So after a lot of discussion with him, I decided to write a letter and send to JR tomorrow (Cleaning Day). Wish me luck, fingers crossed.
Back to the volunteering, no one can believe how skeptical I have been during the past 3 days. When Mike told me about the Secret, that night I found my book and read again. And every night, I do those three things, Ask, Believe and Accept. During Wednesday, I called the clinic three times with no result, and that's when I found out that the clinic does not open at Wednesdays. So I decided to call on Thursday. Since the next day is my society farewell party, I wanted to bake cookies and called my mum to pick me to the closest bakery suppliers to buy the ingredient. When I was waiting at the lift, I had the urge to call the clinic again, but this time the number is a hand phone number written on their card. So I proceeded to call and to my excitement, the doctor himself answered the call. The doctor told me that they had lost my phone number and couldn't contact me and he said that I am allow to work. Sorry for the boring bits of details but at that point, I was really happy and laughed out loud on the street, which is embarrassing...
That is when I started to feel grateful to everything good thing that has happened to me. I should be grateful, and just happy about everything and being positive. For example that one time Mike told me that the road around my house is very difficult to drive. And I told him that it doesn't matter, because if I can master that difficult road around my house, it means that I can drive any road as well. Just a small normal story but it means a lot of change on me.
And I made cookies!!! Which is a good thing, as I finally got some "hobby" to begin with. Hope that baking can really be a lifelong skill.
That is the end of yesterday. Now today.
Today I went to school early, for the dissection for the frog. I think I will put this story later, it was nothing special, just the good thing is that the teacher complimented me and Priscilla for doing a good job in dissecting it, although we sort of destroyed the kidneys.
And my friends also said that my level of carefulness is high, okay I know that they could just be talking fun but to be honest, I am proud of myself being serious and careful when cleaning the bones. I hope that this inner merit of me can take me far on my journey to becoming a veterinarian.
And the next is the farewell party, not bad, everything went well. Very surprised with the huge amount of gifts. And they even ate finish all of my cookies!!! I'm very much pleased.
Just to say that these few days have really opened up my mind and made me a better person than yesterday. Also to just encourage myself, I even did my workout after reaching home eating a lot and it was already 7 pm and tired. Kudos for the 7 minutes. I hope to continue improving myself.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Blame
I like blaming people. Who doesn't? And people like to blame me.
And then I know that, I cannot have this kind of attitude.
This is so wrong. I am so wrong.
Sometimes, living in this family of mine, just made me the worst kind of person I can ever become. I get mad easily. I have no patience. I get jealous, I get sad and I cry and sobbed like there is no tomorrow.
It makes me feel useless, worthless. It makes me feel that I failed them.
Like today I told about my parents that I called an agent. And the agent said that I need to send in my forecast results to the university so for them to consider a place for me. And I told them that my grades in the forecast is not good.
This is where the blaming starts.
I said that people in my school are too brilliant, which is why competition is high and I can't reach my 18 points. And the exam is too hard. And my father said that there is no difference whether I'm taking the forecast or UEC. The fact is I can't get good grades. I told him this is not fair, how I am suppose to compete. It's all is the gradient chart, they gather everyone's grades and compare to which is the passing line. And my dad say
If you are able to get 100 in your exams, you won't even need to worry about the passing line.
Now that I have think it through by writing here, he is right. If I get 100, why do I need to care? I'm already A. But at that time, that moment when he said that, I felt heavier than ever before. Like I let them down, the expectations are high, and nobody cares about how I felt. It's really awful. And I have no one to tell, because all I know, is that they will call me stupid and not think about it, because they don't want to think how to console me as well.
After lunch, my dad asked if I needed a car, to drive to the clinic. And I say I can walk there, of course as expected, no one allows. So I need a car. My father say he is gonna buy a manual one for me, and my mum got angry, because she doesn't want me to drive a manual car. My father once said that I'm a scaredy cat because I don't dare to drive a car, even after I got my license. And my mother then asked him, why don't I drive his car, he immediately object because his car is from the company and he cannot let me drive it. So why don't I drive my mum's car? No, because her car is too big and I should start with a small one instead. So I can't drive a car, because I don't dare to drive one, or they don't dare to let me drive one?
Anyway I got mad with my mother and she got mad with me. And when we reached home she let me drive. And I drive and it was not as chaotic as the first time, but all I know is when I finally reach my limit I might just burst into tears. My confidence must have dropped to absolute zero, not now but any time soon. The moment my confidence lost is the moment when we all die in a car crash.
All I know is that until that I wrote until here, I just want to say I am sorry.
Because that's all I need to say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being rude, sorry for not giving my all, sorry for being such a bitch.
I really really really want to be good. I want to be liked want to be loved. I don't mean perfect. I mean, to be really happy with my life.
Let me just remorse myself in here and I hope that I can get the volunteer job I wanted and get to enter the university I wanted as well. Please.
And then I know that, I cannot have this kind of attitude.
This is so wrong. I am so wrong.
Sometimes, living in this family of mine, just made me the worst kind of person I can ever become. I get mad easily. I have no patience. I get jealous, I get sad and I cry and sobbed like there is no tomorrow.
It makes me feel useless, worthless. It makes me feel that I failed them.
Like today I told about my parents that I called an agent. And the agent said that I need to send in my forecast results to the university so for them to consider a place for me. And I told them that my grades in the forecast is not good.
This is where the blaming starts.
I said that people in my school are too brilliant, which is why competition is high and I can't reach my 18 points. And the exam is too hard. And my father said that there is no difference whether I'm taking the forecast or UEC. The fact is I can't get good grades. I told him this is not fair, how I am suppose to compete. It's all is the gradient chart, they gather everyone's grades and compare to which is the passing line. And my dad say
If you are able to get 100 in your exams, you won't even need to worry about the passing line.
Now that I have think it through by writing here, he is right. If I get 100, why do I need to care? I'm already A. But at that time, that moment when he said that, I felt heavier than ever before. Like I let them down, the expectations are high, and nobody cares about how I felt. It's really awful. And I have no one to tell, because all I know, is that they will call me stupid and not think about it, because they don't want to think how to console me as well.
After lunch, my dad asked if I needed a car, to drive to the clinic. And I say I can walk there, of course as expected, no one allows. So I need a car. My father say he is gonna buy a manual one for me, and my mum got angry, because she doesn't want me to drive a manual car. My father once said that I'm a scaredy cat because I don't dare to drive a car, even after I got my license. And my mother then asked him, why don't I drive his car, he immediately object because his car is from the company and he cannot let me drive it. So why don't I drive my mum's car? No, because her car is too big and I should start with a small one instead. So I can't drive a car, because I don't dare to drive one, or they don't dare to let me drive one?
Anyway I got mad with my mother and she got mad with me. And when we reached home she let me drive. And I drive and it was not as chaotic as the first time, but all I know is when I finally reach my limit I might just burst into tears. My confidence must have dropped to absolute zero, not now but any time soon. The moment my confidence lost is the moment when we all die in a car crash.
All I know is that until that I wrote until here, I just want to say I am sorry.
Because that's all I need to say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being rude, sorry for not giving my all, sorry for being such a bitch.
I really really really want to be good. I want to be liked want to be loved. I don't mean perfect. I mean, to be really happy with my life.
Let me just remorse myself in here and I hope that I can get the volunteer job I wanted and get to enter the university I wanted as well. Please.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Pessimist
I often feel abandon I think. I mean, people seem to treat me like I'm someone who is 'disposable'. This is a very negative feeling, but sometimes I can't help myself. If I be the enthusiastic one, people don't acknowledge at all. If I be the calm one, people will think that I'm boring. If I be the crazy one, people avoid me. If I be the passive one, people ignore me. There is no real me, because no matter who I become no one will notice me, which is why I always try to be perfect. I yearn to be perfect. Because I'm that self-centered girl who cannot live with a friend. Yet I have none. This is so unfair, because I have all of these people around me who cares(?) about me. This is so unfair to the people around me. What is my problem, actually? Am I too bossy, am I too passive? Am I too conserve? Am I too open? Am I too enthusiastic? Am I too loud? Am I not 'play' enough?
When I think it thoroughly, I found myself unable to find a university straight away, I'm going to have to have a gap year, but not in any other place, but in here. Goddamnit, I hate this place. I hate the people here, I hate the cars and the air here. I hate the garbage I see on the roadside. I hate all those working foreigners with their large staring eyes. I hate imagining myself driving on the roads in this stupid country. I want to leave this place, even if it's a gap year. Then I thought of Hong Kong, my second home, and damn, that place is even worse than here. All the news about beating travelers because they refuse to buy things. Those shitty attitude I witness myself in that place, as much it's actually much cleaner and has great underground transport, the culture and people there totally is the worst.
I want to leave here. Because I have no one here. People know me and people avoid me. People don't want to talk to me here, because they don't like my personality. So I want to leave here, and so I can forge another me. I can be a new me, I can meet new people, learn their expectations and transform myself into, well, myself. I can forge a new self.
What is the thing that my friend told me?
为自己而活 才会活得没有怨言
凡是要是想别人感激 这是奢侈多余
真性情的人 才不会炫耀 所以没有自卑
Ah, what wisdom that is. I suppose I still have a long way to learn. And I'm so sorry that I expected.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Empty can or Full can?
So I heard this on radio:
An empty can and a full can drop test.So what is this statement implying?
The empty can makes a higher pitched noise, whereas the full can makes a denser noise.
So, do you want to be the empty can or the full can?
Conclusion: empty cans make the loudest noise.
- That humble people makes the most success, and people who are full of themselves (full cans) won't be able to do anything big. OR...
- People who lacks knowledge always make the most sound pollution, whereas people who are knowledgeable tend to treat things in a more peaceful and quiet approach. (you know you know, the stuff happening in our beloved country lately?)
Not really sure what is Fly.fm's approach, but not bad. :)
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Angry post 1
Today I just want to brag about my family.
Warning to future-self if reading this n years/months/days later, please do note that this is very offensive and very unfilial of you. You are not a good daughter, and hopefully after n years/months/days, you can change this kind of thoughts. Guilty card thrown.
I don't know when, but suddenly I have become the ultimate example of the baddest ass shit daughter. I don't really know when to start, hoping that this would be short, but then I can't really.
Let's just say I'm immature as fuck, and then I am a 18 year old girl who doesn't act like a 18 year old girl. I'm suppose to be those adults by then, but then in Malaysia or I don't know, 18 doesn't mean anything at all. Like I don't know all those people outside, internationally, their 18 year old is definitely a damn fun year or something.
I, like most of many people, wants money. And I mean financially stable, because with my below average grades, it's very difficult for me to get a scholarship to study overseas, and now with our currency dropping at such magnitude, I'm feeling very lost. Mainly because with the decrease like this, university expenses has risen so much and expensive.
And then, is my parents stock thing. Because stock markets has basically become one of my life-saver when it comes to money. I mean, with investing the right market, one can have some side-income, right? Tbh, I know shit nothing about stock markets, but i tend to keep an eye on my parents stock. Few months ago, I always checked their phone stock app. And see how is the market going. Keep it short my parents invested a lot in buying different companies' stocks, and some went well, and some went REALLY FUCKING ****** BAD.
I mean, even someone as fucking stupid and have no shit about stock can understand what does the green plus sign and the red minus sign mean right? Let's just say there is this X company, from CHINA, and sell stationary. At one point (Last December or something) the indicator shows -40%. what the actual fuck. And I asked my dad, why is he still holding onto this one? He said we have to wait, for it to rise again. So I think okay, I can be patient, two months later, -50%. I asked the same question, and I get the same answer. And I got real mad and told him, if I were him, I will stop it. Because yeah right I lost 50% of my shares, but better be safe than sorry right? I mean, you lose 50% but you won't lose 60% right? Then you can try to invest another market and who knows, maybe you can get something else. But no one listens, because I'm just a dumb girl who knows nothing about stocks. I got so desperate, I even check the stock market, watch stock tv programmes, watch some taiwan show talking about investments and shit. And then this year, gst came (not relevant), and then the currency drop shit came, and they still hold onto this particular company. I totally give up, I didn't even check with the damn stocks anymore.
TO BE FUCKING HONEST, WHY CAN'T ANYBODY JUST BE EASILY SATISFIED WHEN IT COMES TO THIS SHIT?????
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, my parents will discuss this matter, and then they will say how they regret this selling this stock, how they regret buying this stock. CBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBC.
I mean, if you can be a little bit more satisfied by those little money you earned and can take it back away when you think it's enough, then it should be fucking enough.
I know I don't know damn shit about stock market ( nth time I'm saying this) and my parents always say, you never know what is going to happen in the future, but to me, STOCK IS A RISK, it's no game where you can always win, there will always be ups and downs. And I know that, when you see a stock you bought going up so high, and you yearned for more, and when you see a slight drop, and you hope that it will go up again. And this never ending cycle, even if it drop to fucking -40% low, you still hope that it will rise again. This is just pure greed, and everyone has it. Even me, if i ever saw my stock going up, of course i won't just stop, and if I saw a drop, i will definitely hold to it, because unless you really have those damn genius 经济顾问 that can help you do with your stocks, and you have confident in him/her enough and listen to what the says, then I will hope that tomorrow will rise. I have to say, investing is not as easy as it seems, the drop and going up can change anytime any second, and the magnitude can be big and can be small. In my family's case, when a stock rise to 20-30% it's just merely earning something like RM20-RM100, which is very little, compared to the 10 or 100 times of money you just invested. It can be big when very big, and small when very small. Even if you just got sibeh lucky and you got a 100% rise (which is never), you can only get as much as RM2000-RM9000, ON THIS CASE ONLY, because the more money you invest the more you can earn. And let's just say, my parents are no "more money". So investing is very difficult, and very very dangerous. But when you got the hang of it, then you got it.
THERE SHOULD BE A LIMIT.
Eventually I got to a conclusion, that if I were to have to do minor investments ( IF IF IF IF), for going up there wont be a limit, because who don't like money? However, the maximum lost I can get, is 30%, once it drops 30%, I will take it out. No matter if I earned like 1 dollar, or nothing, or lose money, I no give shit. 30% is my limit.
yeah right, easier said than done, plus I don't even have the money to invest. At a time my mother asked me how much do i have in my bank account, and I told her. And she said I can invest, and how many can I do?
一粒
just one. (in comparison, my parents can do up to 5000~10000)
and this one thing, can only got me RM10 if i were really lucky. like what? I can lost 500 if im not even careful. So i didn't buy it.
After this shitty long ass story, I even feel like sleeping after typing this, I just want to show off to you guys how stupid am I, for trying to reach shit I don't even know about. And I hate this place, I hate Malaysia so much, my house, the environment, and government, I just don't like it. Of course I probably cry like fuck if i were ever kicked out of the house with no money and such. Money has become one my priorities, for real, without money, there is nothing. For education, for food, for daily necessities, everything needs money.
Of course I also have this ideal thought that my life won't always be surround with money. Like my parents, they are not super rich nor super poor, but we still get to go to london to paris to japan to many countries, and that is because they are willing to spend it, and that they are financially stable. Yes, thats the word. Financially stable, i won't be working every damn hour and neglecting my family (ehem ehem ehem if i ever have one) or my cat (most likely to have one)
This place, has made me a very bad person.
A very very bad person. I hurt people, my friends my family, I am not able to reach out to new things. This very small cramped place has made me feel restricted. It could be my problem, my problem for not earning it myself. But everytime, things happening here, made me want to fight back and stay away from them. And when I went to other countries, they make want to change. A change of environment. Especially Japan, the people are so nice, it makes you want to be nice to them as well. But all I can see here, is just stubborn people and idiotic, money cheating system. Of course im fake, if people treat me good then i treat them good, treat me bad and i treat them bad. I am a vain person, rubbing people ass and such. But a change of environment maybe can help me start over.
Like just now, degrading and scolding my parents like that, it only makes me more hateful. But then, I so wanna go away, and have my own life. Alone, with a friend, with a cat, whatever. I just want to stay away from them. Because I want to explore life myself. I'm not saying it's better. It could be the worst day of my entire life. Have to pay rent, live in a space smaller than my bedroom, cook 3 meals on my own, grocery shopping myself, work day and night, restless. It is tiring, but worth it. I make my own decision, my own life.
Warning to future-self if reading this n years/months/days later, please do note that this is very offensive and very unfilial of you. You are not a good daughter, and hopefully after n years/months/days, you can change this kind of thoughts. Guilty card thrown.
I don't know when, but suddenly I have become the ultimate example of the baddest ass shit daughter. I don't really know when to start, hoping that this would be short, but then I can't really.
Let's just say I'm immature as fuck, and then I am a 18 year old girl who doesn't act like a 18 year old girl. I'm suppose to be those adults by then, but then in Malaysia or I don't know, 18 doesn't mean anything at all. Like I don't know all those people outside, internationally, their 18 year old is definitely a damn fun year or something.
I, like most of many people, wants money. And I mean financially stable, because with my below average grades, it's very difficult for me to get a scholarship to study overseas, and now with our currency dropping at such magnitude, I'm feeling very lost. Mainly because with the decrease like this, university expenses has risen so much and expensive.
And then, is my parents stock thing. Because stock markets has basically become one of my life-saver when it comes to money. I mean, with investing the right market, one can have some side-income, right? Tbh, I know shit nothing about stock markets, but i tend to keep an eye on my parents stock. Few months ago, I always checked their phone stock app. And see how is the market going. Keep it short my parents invested a lot in buying different companies' stocks, and some went well, and some went REALLY FUCKING ****** BAD.
I mean, even someone as fucking stupid and have no shit about stock can understand what does the green plus sign and the red minus sign mean right? Let's just say there is this X company, from CHINA, and sell stationary. At one point (Last December or something) the indicator shows -40%. what the actual fuck. And I asked my dad, why is he still holding onto this one? He said we have to wait, for it to rise again. So I think okay, I can be patient, two months later, -50%. I asked the same question, and I get the same answer. And I got real mad and told him, if I were him, I will stop it. Because yeah right I lost 50% of my shares, but better be safe than sorry right? I mean, you lose 50% but you won't lose 60% right? Then you can try to invest another market and who knows, maybe you can get something else. But no one listens, because I'm just a dumb girl who knows nothing about stocks. I got so desperate, I even check the stock market, watch stock tv programmes, watch some taiwan show talking about investments and shit. And then this year, gst came (not relevant), and then the currency drop shit came, and they still hold onto this particular company. I totally give up, I didn't even check with the damn stocks anymore.
TO BE FUCKING HONEST, WHY CAN'T ANYBODY JUST BE EASILY SATISFIED WHEN IT COMES TO THIS SHIT?????
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, my parents will discuss this matter, and then they will say how they regret this selling this stock, how they regret buying this stock. CBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBC.
I mean, if you can be a little bit more satisfied by those little money you earned and can take it back away when you think it's enough, then it should be fucking enough.
I know I don't know damn shit about stock market ( nth time I'm saying this) and my parents always say, you never know what is going to happen in the future, but to me, STOCK IS A RISK, it's no game where you can always win, there will always be ups and downs. And I know that, when you see a stock you bought going up so high, and you yearned for more, and when you see a slight drop, and you hope that it will go up again. And this never ending cycle, even if it drop to fucking -40% low, you still hope that it will rise again. This is just pure greed, and everyone has it. Even me, if i ever saw my stock going up, of course i won't just stop, and if I saw a drop, i will definitely hold to it, because unless you really have those damn genius 经济顾问 that can help you do with your stocks, and you have confident in him/her enough and listen to what the says, then I will hope that tomorrow will rise. I have to say, investing is not as easy as it seems, the drop and going up can change anytime any second, and the magnitude can be big and can be small. In my family's case, when a stock rise to 20-30% it's just merely earning something like RM20-RM100, which is very little, compared to the 10 or 100 times of money you just invested. It can be big when very big, and small when very small. Even if you just got sibeh lucky and you got a 100% rise (which is never), you can only get as much as RM2000-RM9000, ON THIS CASE ONLY, because the more money you invest the more you can earn. And let's just say, my parents are no "more money". So investing is very difficult, and very very dangerous. But when you got the hang of it, then you got it.
THERE SHOULD BE A LIMIT.
Eventually I got to a conclusion, that if I were to have to do minor investments ( IF IF IF IF), for going up there wont be a limit, because who don't like money? However, the maximum lost I can get, is 30%, once it drops 30%, I will take it out. No matter if I earned like 1 dollar, or nothing, or lose money, I no give shit. 30% is my limit.
yeah right, easier said than done, plus I don't even have the money to invest. At a time my mother asked me how much do i have in my bank account, and I told her. And she said I can invest, and how many can I do?
一粒
just one. (in comparison, my parents can do up to 5000~10000)
and this one thing, can only got me RM10 if i were really lucky. like what? I can lost 500 if im not even careful. So i didn't buy it.
After this shitty long ass story, I even feel like sleeping after typing this, I just want to show off to you guys how stupid am I, for trying to reach shit I don't even know about. And I hate this place, I hate Malaysia so much, my house, the environment, and government, I just don't like it. Of course I probably cry like fuck if i were ever kicked out of the house with no money and such. Money has become one my priorities, for real, without money, there is nothing. For education, for food, for daily necessities, everything needs money.
Of course I also have this ideal thought that my life won't always be surround with money. Like my parents, they are not super rich nor super poor, but we still get to go to london to paris to japan to many countries, and that is because they are willing to spend it, and that they are financially stable. Yes, thats the word. Financially stable, i won't be working every damn hour and neglecting my family (ehem ehem ehem if i ever have one) or my cat (most likely to have one)
This place, has made me a very bad person.
A very very bad person. I hurt people, my friends my family, I am not able to reach out to new things. This very small cramped place has made me feel restricted. It could be my problem, my problem for not earning it myself. But everytime, things happening here, made me want to fight back and stay away from them. And when I went to other countries, they make want to change. A change of environment. Especially Japan, the people are so nice, it makes you want to be nice to them as well. But all I can see here, is just stubborn people and idiotic, money cheating system. Of course im fake, if people treat me good then i treat them good, treat me bad and i treat them bad. I am a vain person, rubbing people ass and such. But a change of environment maybe can help me start over.
Like just now, degrading and scolding my parents like that, it only makes me more hateful. But then, I so wanna go away, and have my own life. Alone, with a friend, with a cat, whatever. I just want to stay away from them. Because I want to explore life myself. I'm not saying it's better. It could be the worst day of my entire life. Have to pay rent, live in a space smaller than my bedroom, cook 3 meals on my own, grocery shopping myself, work day and night, restless. It is tiring, but worth it. I make my own decision, my own life.
People now will say, I'm just bragging, and only moved my mouth not my ass. Say that I'm having stupid thoughts and just being a brat.
And there will also be people who tell my to just study and don't think so much stupid things.
But I just want to say, I'm so sick and tired of people telling me what to do, what to say, what to think. I just want someone to hear me out, and all I every get is "go back to study". This phrase, is very good. The guilt card to thrown to you. But no, either you correct me and say that I was wrong and correct me on my view of stocks or this country or my behaviour, or you say nothing.
That's the end of part 1
I used too much time. So part 2 next time.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Books
Another week gone, so-not-to-my-surprise, as I have been counting down every single day. Went to do some biology and then ended up here. It's gonna be a short post, because I had already figured out what I want to write today :)
Supposedly one of my plans after UEC:
to clean up my room.
My room is a wreck. If my room area is 100%, then 25% is the bed, 25% is the floor, 10% is the closets, and then the rest will be books.
So to be more specific, instead of cleaning up my room, it should be cleaning up the books. I simply cannot believe that, I still keep my J1 books (because I didn't have the chance to sell them) AND my SPM books (because I didn't have the chance to sell them) - the two stacks of books that I'm not gonna read ever again.
And also the love novels i collected since standard 6, which actually filled one layer of my bookshelf. And also the 红蜻蜓 novels i bought since primary school. These two are gonna go out. It took me a while to realize, that most of the books I own, are not what an 18 year old should own, which let me feel embarrassed. For example, I once still stick to buying Geronimo Stilton's books until my parents think that I should stop (I am 16 that time) and gave them to my cousins. I suppose I am still very childish.
In another section, I have Rick Riordan's books, which I am NEVER gonna give away, just let me keep it until my children and grandchildren read it. And also The 39 clues, never gonna give away as well. This actually concludes my favorite possessions, and I also have The Hunger Games trilogy, Mitch Albom collection, I am Number Four collection, and probably some which I cannot remember for now. As for the rest, I will try to give them away, that is when I am sure I will never read them again.
As for the chinese books, 米泽穗信 books I'm definitely keeping it. All of my light novels, such as, 神的记事本，兔使 etc. Ah and the 物语系列! My 刘墉 collection. And some of my Japanese authors collection, let it be detective, scientific, I will keep them. And.... no more. So in the end, my books all came down to such a small stack. As for the rest, I will read them after my UEC, because there are really some books which I didn't get to finish reading or haven't read, I just bought them.
okay enough with the books, some just has to go, and there also a lot which I haven't dig out to see if i still need to keep them or not.
Well, if i need to give some away, then I also need to buy some in as well. AHAHAHAHAH!!!
It's a Saturday, so I get to go to Popular and look around, of course I bought nothing because I have nothing in mind. I just stroll around looking every corner and started jotting down the list of books I wanted to buy:
1. John Green's collection
2. If I Stay collection
3. Divergent trilogy
4. The Maze Runner trilogy
5. Dan Brown's
6. Murakami's
7. I am Number Four collection
8. Stephen Kings's
9. Khaled Hosseini's
10. Hugh Howley's
11. I'll give you the sun
12. Starglass
13. The Tiger's Curse trilogy
14. Jodi Picoult's
15. Theodore Boone collection
16. Cecelia Ahern
17. Wayward Pines
18. Harry Potter
19. The Casual Vacancy
20. Fifty Shades of Grey (?)
21. Extraordinary Means
22. J.R.R. Tolkien's
23. George R.R. Martin
24. 六花的勇者
25. 东川笃哉
26. 米泽穗信
27. 金庸（？）
28. 九把刀
29. 村上春树 (Murakami)
30. 桐华
31. 《罗辑思维》推荐
that's it for now..... I haven't think it through yet....
I know that the Chinese books are so not sufficient. I'm planning to roam out more to find more Chinese books opportunities, please do recommend some :)
And If I'm ambitious enough, I would like to learn Japanese to a level, so I can reread some of the Japanese novels I owned in Chinese, I want to read them in Japanese as well. So much for goals ahahahaha.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Update
Howdie!
Okay, so I just finished writing one piece of my Chinese practical writing homework. and found out that I have 21 minutes + 15 minutes break till the next task (Chemistry), so I decided to check things up here.
Let's just say.... all this while prepping up for this big exam day of the year, it has come down to accurately 2 weeks for all this Sparta to start, and us to show what we are capable of. Feeling very very very emotional right now, depressing, yes, excited, yes, worried, yes, anxious, yes yes yes. But I think I really improved much, little by little everyday. I hope that this not only gets me going in a short period, but for the long run as well.
Today I just got some teeny tiny achievements I guess. For example, I finished memorizing the Chinese poems, easy I know, but it's a good start for waking up my brain and boosting my confidence. After breakfast, did two hours of math and one and a half hour of physics. Math... especially the advanced one, not sure if I improved, but 14 objectives and 1 subjective in two hours.... quite a feat though.... As for physics, the good news is, I got the hang of this exam scheme, well, in UEC, physics doesn't seem so hard at all. Once I flipped the past year papers book, I found out that their questions are actually very direct. OF COURSE they two to three questions that are very hard and challenging, but since I don't really aim high in this subject, I suppose I can manage to get A2.
More about physics, but I'm gonna write some "findings" here... I once read an article - "The laziness paradox", well in conclusion the article is about "sharpening your saw" before "lodging forests". For example, before just rushing to finish the task, we have to do research, or calm our feelings, to achieve the most efficient way in finishing the task. Okay the point it easy to understand but hard to do it.
I was really having trouble in memorizing Geography, and I am still working my way to it. I hope memorizing little by little really help :) And I just found out by today, I will finish Asia! Hallelujah~
Back to physics, I just sharpened my saw today, which is doing research..... well, as I'm not very ambitious towards this subject, yet I don't feel like having a B3, so I proceed to look through every year of subjective questions, and choose 5 questions (that is the requirement during exam) which i know how to do. And to my surprise, I did manage to choose 5, that are straightforward questions, doesn't require lots of change, and has a minimum of formula. Such as, 光学，力学，热学，气体，波（衍射），现代物理。I concluded that these are my strengths and are what I should be working on, for my time is now little, and I still had a lot of subjects to revise. Yup, I gave up on 波（振动）and 电学, but to be honest, I will still try to do the basics, they come in handy. Well, questions change, sometimes they just ask the most simple questions like 磁通量 or 恒定电流. Confidence boosted again.
And after this two, I did some painting. Now I'm really wondering why I take this shitty art subject. If I'm gonna enroll to a university, Art is definitely not the subject I'm gonna submit to anyway, my goodness. Oh well, I painted this mistletoe/cherries.
Okay, so I just finished writing one piece of my Chinese practical writing homework. and found out that I have 21 minutes + 15 minutes break till the next task (Chemistry), so I decided to check things up here.
Let's just say.... all this while prepping up for this big exam day of the year, it has come down to accurately 2 weeks for all this Sparta to start, and us to show what we are capable of. Feeling very very very emotional right now, depressing, yes, excited, yes, worried, yes, anxious, yes yes yes. But I think I really improved much, little by little everyday. I hope that this not only gets me going in a short period, but for the long run as well.
Today I just got some teeny tiny achievements I guess. For example, I finished memorizing the Chinese poems, easy I know, but it's a good start for waking up my brain and boosting my confidence. After breakfast, did two hours of math and one and a half hour of physics. Math... especially the advanced one, not sure if I improved, but 14 objectives and 1 subjective in two hours.... quite a feat though.... As for physics, the good news is, I got the hang of this exam scheme, well, in UEC, physics doesn't seem so hard at all. Once I flipped the past year papers book, I found out that their questions are actually very direct. OF COURSE they two to three questions that are very hard and challenging, but since I don't really aim high in this subject, I suppose I can manage to get A2.
More about physics, but I'm gonna write some "findings" here... I once read an article - "The laziness paradox", well in conclusion the article is about "sharpening your saw" before "lodging forests". For example, before just rushing to finish the task, we have to do research, or calm our feelings, to achieve the most efficient way in finishing the task. Okay the point it easy to understand but hard to do it.
I was really having trouble in memorizing Geography, and I am still working my way to it. I hope memorizing little by little really help :) And I just found out by today, I will finish Asia! Hallelujah~
Back to physics, I just sharpened my saw today, which is doing research..... well, as I'm not very ambitious towards this subject, yet I don't feel like having a B3, so I proceed to look through every year of subjective questions, and choose 5 questions (that is the requirement during exam) which i know how to do. And to my surprise, I did manage to choose 5, that are straightforward questions, doesn't require lots of change, and has a minimum of formula. Such as, 光学，力学，热学，气体，波（衍射），现代物理。I concluded that these are my strengths and are what I should be working on, for my time is now little, and I still had a lot of subjects to revise. Yup, I gave up on 波（振动）and 电学, but to be honest, I will still try to do the basics, they come in handy. Well, questions change, sometimes they just ask the most simple questions like 磁通量 or 恒定电流. Confidence boosted again.
And after this two, I did some painting. Now I'm really wondering why I take this shitty art subject. If I'm gonna enroll to a university, Art is definitely not the subject I'm gonna submit to anyway, my goodness. Oh well, I painted this mistletoe/cherries.
Actually I also painted a tree and a shell, but those two are so damn ugly, that in the end, circular cherries are the best of the day, because they are so easy.
And after lunch and one hour of homework, here am I, using the remains of my 15 minutes break to end this post.
I really hope that everyone's dreams do come true.
Realized that I have not talked about the story where I found vet bloggers on Tumblr. Next time then :)
Currently in love with Sia's Salted Wound. Very slow, it calms me down.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Monday, May 4, 2015
post before exam
我觉得的如果我昨天就开始打这个帖子的话我就不会因为认为自己在浪费时间而深感内疚了。不过话说坐在书桌前抄写格式试剂实在是到一个临界点了，一直忍着不要离开房间，等我抄完了再出去。可是我心里一直重复滔滔不绝的对白，啊啊，最后还是败了，毕竟我还是很善忘。
先谈谈最近一直都在读的这个小说—《化物语》，与其说读，更恰当的词应该是翻阅吧……如果要说这本书有什么不好，真的太啰嗦了。比我还要啰嗦。3个女生的故事可以用上500页，还真不是普通的神奇。好了，《化物语（上）》看完了，再去看下集，2个女生的故事又用了500多页。更厉害的是，这个作者大概写了有18本类似的书。我的妈呀。其实说真的，按照我平凡无奇的实力，怎么可能一天就这样读完500多页的书呢。为什么翻阅？因为在还没买那些书之前我就已经看了动漫了。真糟糕。害我完全无法在阅读的时候拥有“接下来会怎样？”“为什么会这样？”“太震惊了！”的思考模式和惊叹。就这样无趣地读完了。感谢那时候并没有看完整个动漫系列，所以在未来的后面，我还可以细细地品尝。但是我真的没想到会那么长篇大论，啰嗦到快睡着了，我都要抛下书本去看动漫了。对不起啦，nisioisin先生。
要说『物语系列』的书，其实我觉得很不错。虽然我到处和人家说我的智商被拉低了，但是里头的吐槽真的让我感到很轻松愉快。实在是，笑点好低。数了数，一页有大约10～20的来回吐槽，让我看得不亦乐乎。而且单单一个女生的春光外泄就可以被男主角叙述了四页左右。哎呀，透剧了。我躺在床上阅读的时候真的是笑得痴呆痴呆的，放声大笑的感觉挺好的。很快乐哦！从来都没有因为看书那么感觉自在了。不是因为要知道某些剧情，也不是因为要觉得喜怒哀乐而看书，而只是为了看书而看书，那种感觉，恐怕我无法形容。那么他也没有那么让我着迷，看得废寝忘食的，还不至于那么入神。而且里头还有一些让我觉得很离奇的地方，譬如说战场原黑仪的生日是7月7日等。无论如何，这本书就是如此的没有营养。作者还可以写有18本那么多，还真不是普通的神奇。你真是让我十分敬佩，nisioisin先生。
话说我会读这样子的书，也应该没有很稀奇吧。毕竟我是典型的杂食动物，但是恐怕在家人之间会有点不能接受的地方（？）虽然他们从来都没有问我读什么书就是了。不过我想我也应该开始寻找一些比较有营养的书了，毕竟一直活在这种痴呆的梦境里没有很好吧？哈哈！
话说昨天在浏览面子书的时候就看到某个心里测试影片。话说你要我选一个5-12的一个数字？结果测验结果是我是一个百分之一百的平凡人，没有任何的特别之处呢。直接戳中了红心。刚开始我还无法接受，想要洗掉记忆然后重新玩过，但是后来今天早上起来就觉得也无妨。啊啊，心态难得那么坦然。
哈哈哈哈哈。好吧我应该去读书了。
先谈谈最近一直都在读的这个小说—《化物语》，与其说读，更恰当的词应该是翻阅吧……如果要说这本书有什么不好，真的太啰嗦了。比我还要啰嗦。3个女生的故事可以用上500页，还真不是普通的神奇。好了，《化物语（上）》看完了，再去看下集，2个女生的故事又用了500多页。更厉害的是，这个作者大概写了有18本类似的书。我的妈呀。其实说真的，按照我平凡无奇的实力，怎么可能一天就这样读完500多页的书呢。为什么翻阅？因为在还没买那些书之前我就已经看了动漫了。真糟糕。害我完全无法在阅读的时候拥有“接下来会怎样？”“为什么会这样？”“太震惊了！”的思考模式和惊叹。就这样无趣地读完了。感谢那时候并没有看完整个动漫系列，所以在未来的后面，我还可以细细地品尝。但是我真的没想到会那么长篇大论，啰嗦到快睡着了，我都要抛下书本去看动漫了。对不起啦，nisioisin先生。
要说『物语系列』的书，其实我觉得很不错。虽然我到处和人家说我的智商被拉低了，但是里头的吐槽真的让我感到很轻松愉快。实在是，笑点好低。数了数，一页有大约10～20的来回吐槽，让我看得不亦乐乎。而且单单一个女生的春光外泄就可以被男主角叙述了四页左右。哎呀，透剧了。我躺在床上阅读的时候真的是笑得痴呆痴呆的，放声大笑的感觉挺好的。很快乐哦！从来都没有因为看书那么感觉自在了。不是因为要知道某些剧情，也不是因为要觉得喜怒哀乐而看书，而只是为了看书而看书，那种感觉，恐怕我无法形容。那么他也没有那么让我着迷，看得废寝忘食的，还不至于那么入神。而且里头还有一些让我觉得很离奇的地方，譬如说战场原黑仪的生日是7月7日等。无论如何，这本书就是如此的没有营养。作者还可以写有18本那么多，还真不是普通的神奇。你真是让我十分敬佩，nisioisin先生。
话说我会读这样子的书，也应该没有很稀奇吧。毕竟我是典型的杂食动物，但是恐怕在家人之间会有点不能接受的地方（？）虽然他们从来都没有问我读什么书就是了。不过我想我也应该开始寻找一些比较有营养的书了，毕竟一直活在这种痴呆的梦境里没有很好吧？哈哈！
话说昨天在浏览面子书的时候就看到某个心里测试影片。话说你要我选一个5-12的一个数字？结果测验结果是我是一个百分之一百的平凡人，没有任何的特别之处呢。直接戳中了红心。刚开始我还无法接受，想要洗掉记忆然后重新玩过，但是后来今天早上起来就觉得也无妨。啊啊，心态难得那么坦然。
哈哈哈哈哈。好吧我应该去读书了。
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Quote
There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Patrick Rothfuss
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Nightmare came true
I went to Dr Thomas's clinic today. All was good, when April then whispered to me -whispered because she doesn't want Atif to know- "the other doctor from last time" came to the clinic and asked boss for a job.
"Which other doctor?" I asked, somehow confused, but deep down I know and trying to run away from the truth. April then mouthed "Ali". She was then upset because Atif was just beside us, although he can't hear us, but April was upset because she " don't wanna let Atif know" (there was some bad history between them then).
Anyway, I had to pretend a look, like somehow surprised. But when I closed my mouth and my mind started processing, I can feel the clutch, that feeling that a hand is going to crush my heart to pieces and blood.
What should I do? He is coming back? Should I face him? Should I run away? It's been one year he's gone, and now he is coming back.
April also said that boss rejected him, saying that they don't need anyone at the moment. Which makes me relieved for some time. But then I found out that he had came twice to the clinic and called once, changing his number and all. Does he still remember my number? He can call the clinic. So until today, I've been so skeptical on unknown numbers, cause I'm afraid that when I hear his voice once again, I might break down. Bad.
It's going to be exam season soon. So after one more week I might quit. So I might be safe for some time. The whole day I was looking at the door, scared that he might show up, and I still got a chance to run away.
The other me wants to talk to him, and asked if we can "negotiate". That's if I met him. But you all know me, I'm a coward of some sort. It's not possible.
Of course I am afraid, but I have to keep my cool.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Keep Calm
I. Must. Fucking. Keep. Calm.
Must. Fucking. Keep. Calm.
Fucking. Keep. Calm.
Keep. Calm.
Calm.
Okay I'm calm.
Sometimes I just wonder if Facebook Chat have those bold or colour red to just show somebody how urgent this piece of shit is.
And the only damn way I can find myself to do is to just press the "leave group" button.
I know I am not in a good mood today. And somehow I also blame myself for not doing the word document yesterday.
"Never speak when you are angry" is what pierce me into the heart. Bulls eye. Because when that happens, when I am upset and angry, and when I speak, I find the bad in me, the darkness within me. The vulgar words coming out from my fingers and my mind. The rash, carelessness that blew away my reason, and straight away attacking at my friend, destroying our relationship. As much as I knew she wouldn't really blame me (?), if this keeps going on, little by little, anger piles and love tumbles. So much for being regretful.
Just stop. Everyone being so "busy". And everybody knows how to think cleverly and how to speak diligently but not doing any work. I can't say I am different, but I did my best to take out the first step. But that is not the reason I have to take it ALL right? I am not going to walk this path. All of the route, all of those steps. I am not going to do that. If it does ended up like this, I am going to stop. I will abandon this shit. Either I die, or we all die.
After all, I still have the "leave group" button.
Must. Fucking. Keep. Calm.
Fucking. Keep. Calm.
Keep. Calm.
Calm.
Okay I'm calm.
Sometimes I just wonder if Facebook Chat have those bold or colour red to just show somebody how urgent this piece of shit is.
And the only damn way I can find myself to do is to just press the "leave group" button.
I know I am not in a good mood today. And somehow I also blame myself for not doing the word document yesterday.
"Never speak when you are angry" is what pierce me into the heart. Bulls eye. Because when that happens, when I am upset and angry, and when I speak, I find the bad in me, the darkness within me. The vulgar words coming out from my fingers and my mind. The rash, carelessness that blew away my reason, and straight away attacking at my friend, destroying our relationship. As much as I knew she wouldn't really blame me (?), if this keeps going on, little by little, anger piles and love tumbles. So much for being regretful.
Just stop. Everyone being so "busy". And everybody knows how to think cleverly and how to speak diligently but not doing any work. I can't say I am different, but I did my best to take out the first step. But that is not the reason I have to take it ALL right? I am not going to walk this path. All of the route, all of those steps. I am not going to do that. If it does ended up like this, I am going to stop. I will abandon this shit. Either I die, or we all die.
After all, I still have the "leave group" button.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Kids
Ps this post was written last Sunday. And left in my draft.
This triggered me when my cousin Zoe (why is it always her?) told me a shocking news (to me) that she don't like children. I was shocked because she seems so nice and so gentle to everybody around her. She told me that she cannot stand one of our little cousins, because she is very "annoying" and "loud".
I am very stupid when around kids. I feel like a monster when being with them. Maybe is the expression or the very strict face. Like I don't really find some sort of friendly sister in me when being around with the children. My friend Jer Vain must be an expert when dealing with younger children, because everybody loves playing with her, lol the bubbly side of her hahahaha. I think she like kids, and as what I saw, they laughing with her and playing etc.
When I was 12 and being in a daycare with a bunch of kids with different ages, it occurred to me that I am the oldest. And I am suppose to be a "role model" or a "companion" besides teachers. I suppose 3 of my best friends there did a really good job entertaining them, while all I do is just being awkward and dumb. Well these just prove that I am not good around children, what about don't liking them?
Today my family and I went to watch the movie Cinderella. And because it's a Disney movie, there is more children then I expected. Now is the damn true story, a shitty (sorry.) kid behind me keep screaming. Like hell, this is a cinema, people are watching a movie. TOGETHER. This is not your private theatre. Of course children don't understand shit. But the mom.... I'm not blaming her, because she told that kid to be quiet. But then the fucking ( I am really angry.) kid keep screaming and yapping thoughout the whole movie. And I can hear him or her running around the corridor. I shushed a few times, and it didn't work.
AND a another kid sitting Infront of me keep standing up! Wearing his hoodie and bouncing up and down, blocking my view. And his father must be also annoyed and he told him to sit properly. But the kid didn't listen, obviously.
After the movie, we went to Setia City Mall for a walk. And we had a tea break at Hui Lau Shan. While we are waiting, I noticed that two kids are playing around at the sort of "space". A restaurant beside us and I saw the kids' family sitting at a table chatting. One sentence. Fuck the damn kids. These two were so noisy, like running around with their masks and toy guns. Screaming and yelling. Pushing each other and chasing around. I kept quiet until suddenly.
Fuck the kid who just wham into the decorative fence of Hui Lao Shan. The worker there just quietly straightened the fence. And I had fucking enough. I was supposed to just glared into the kids eyes. But instead I glared into a woman's . I must be really annoyed, because the woman immediately avoid eye contact with me, and tell her kid to come back here. And the second time I looked back. The whole table is empty.
I must be pretty angry. And then after eating we went for a stroll. And then I saw a kid fell down, his father a few feet away. And then the father kneel down, and smile at the kid and encourage him to stand up and move forward. The kid smiled looking at his laughing dad, and try to get up by his own. Well that probably made the anger go away. Hahahha
But I still don't like kids.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
The happy and the not happy
Eventually I was in a really happy mood.
Because I am going back to the vet clinic.
I usually try to be professional in English, because I wanted to keep up with my standard. But today, I will be using Malaysian English, not much, just a bit few rude words here and there. Cope with it.
In the morning my father and brother had left, and it was only my mother and I at home. My mother preparing herself for work, and me, same. And then while I was wearing my shoes, Jee Wei called me and asked me to go to her house. Because she say there was a cat crying in front of her house. By crying, probably just meowing rapidly and loudly. They say they couldn't identify whether she was just hungry, lost, or pregnant and is going to deliver.
At the lift to going to Jee Wei's floor, my mom said that just because a cat meow, and the neighbor finds me, which is a good thing. Like now the whole world knows that I want to be a vet. I must be so crazy about it somehow.
I reached her door but saw no cat. So I asked where is it? They say it just ran away. Ran away where? And through a long corridor, I heard the meowing. A tiny little shadow standing on four legs. Jee Wei and her mom warned me that it maybe fierce or something, because of the constant meowing. Like she was angry or in pain. And that cat turned it's head and saw me.
And she sprang towards me. Like a jet plane.
Let's just say the corridor is about 60-70 m. The cat and I are at both ends. I approached it, which means we probably had a distance of 50 m. The moment it caught my eyes, the eyes lightened up, not sure if it saw a prey or a savior. But at that very moment, when it had that velocity which has the potential of jumping out of the balcony, I thought I could die. The very first thought that came in my mind is:
A Tiger.
..............
Damn, thanks for giving such a fright, cat.
I'm alive. The cat just wanted a hug. That's all. Okay come and caress your body over my legs, meowing affectionately and wanting a head pat.
It's fur is so silky white, and with big spots. And a bushy tail. Definitely not a stray cat. Somebody must have owned this cat. Maybe it meowed because it couldn't find it's home? Maybe it was lost and hungry? Whatever it is, we decided to buy cat food for her downstairs. And so, we led her inside the lift. Hahahahaha, a cat walking inside a lift and then sits down.
The elevator stops, the doors open, and a man stands in front of the doors. The cat ran out. Shit. The man jumped. And I had to get out and lift the fat cat inside.
The store didn't open. In the end, we bought a tuna bread. Which is useless. This is one picky cat. My mother and I are late for work, so in the end I just placed her onto the floor. And off she goes running into the bushes.
This is the happy part.
Now is the sohai part.
At the clinic, some uncle who is a friend of boss came to the clinic. And we talked, and I blurted out that I want to study in Melbourne, the uncle asked me of course. Because I am quite silent there, because I hated trouble and cannot even bother to deal with those complicated people there. So now, everybody knows I want to study in Australia. Thanks to the uncle who is a friend of boss, but no thanks.
Lunch time, everybody went out except me and Atif at the receptionist desk, he sitting, I was standing at the magazine stand, reading the magazines. And Atif asked, when are you going to Australia? And I wanted to just make up some shit excuse and change the subject. But I can't think of any. So I replied, IF I can go to Australia, next year March. Sohai man asked again, Will you contact me?
Maybe.
Maybe I am a coward, like I should have say no. No. No. No. No. Never. Fuck you. But then I say "Maybe". Because I don't want to provoke him. Because I AM a coward. And then he reacted, I don't think so. Because you never even contact me in Malaysia, like you don't even reply my messages.
For a second I was probably stunned. I wanted to reply but I can't. And I just stand there and turned around, facing him.
And I smiled. I fucking smiled, like the most evilest smile I can ever give. Like the "I don't give a fuck" smile. I sort of felt my heart beating very crazy fast. And my hairs standing. And I smiled at him, to his fucking disgusting face. And he turned his head away, staring down. And I turned away as well, back to the magazine and put it back.
I said nothing of course, but at that moment, I think that silence is the best payback than any other words. Maybe I really can pull it through by being silence.
One, Atif, you are being so fucking pathetic. No, I don't wanna share photos with you. And no, I don't want to even chat with you. Okay? You can heal animals, whatever, but are you really being responsible for your actions? How you behave in front of boss and how you behave when boss is not around, we all see it with our own eyes.
Two, you have a wife. You shit, you have a wife. So don't harass me. I cope with you because I hated causing trouble. Stay away far far far from me.
I still have a lot of Saturdays to spend in the clinic. So bless me.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Hong Kong
This post is gonna be fun.
My cousin/ mother bought me my dream wallet. Thank them very very much, deepest from my heart. (Long story).
I finally figured out why Zoe doesn't really get anxious or worried about buying such an expensive gift for me. So here is supposedly why.
So about Zoe, she studied for 4 years in Australia, and then came back to HK to work. The thing is, she majors in accounting, but now works as a nurse with a brain surgeons. Weird eh? But somehow impressive. Anyway, today we had another family dinner, And we talked. So I asked her how much does she earn being a nurse. And she replied 15000 HKD per month ( I will be using HKD, fyi, RM1 = HKD 2.10)
As I volunteered in a vet clinic, here's another teeny data, a side kick veterinarian (doctor) earned about maximum 11000 HKD, even lesser than being a nurse working in a clinic.
In my paternal family, two of my aunts are primary school teacher. One of them is Zoe's mother, so I will take her as an example. She has worked in the school for a lot of years, she probably be the highest rank among the teachers, like 主任 or something. And her monthly wages are 50000 HKD. And it's only primary school. Zoe told me if it's in secondary school, university, even as a normal 助理, one can earn up to 100000 HKD.
And I asked her, is it hard to become a teacher? And she laughed, like it's probably one of the most easiest jobs. Especially in languages, like Chinese and English. A tuition teacher that teaches English can earn up to 500 HKD per hour. Zoe also told me that teachers in HK are the most expensive in the whole world. So if interested in teaching, go to HK bah.
As for life in HK, of course 生活素質 damn high. For example, a breakfast in a normal 茶餐室 could be 100-200 HKD. A skirt can be 300 HKD, a wallet can be 900 HKD, and a large family reunion can be 3000-4000 HKD.
Eventually, between HK and Malaysia, which is better? I suppose there is no win or lose, because things in Malaysia are cheap. But for me, HK. Because just being a teacher, you basically can compete with an amateur doctor in Malaysia. Gosh, mind-blowing!
But my cousin work as hard as anyone, but she lives really happily with her mother. And her boyfriend haha. I think I really learned a lot from her.
Hair removal is about 10000 HKD in HK. Just saying.
Carefree
I have always liked the brand "Salad". Like since junior something, it started when I saw Bauhaus in HK, and then when Bauhaus had another side brand "Salad". I've always wanted one of their wallets, when I liked shorter wallets. And now I would like to have a longer one. Just a few days back I saw a wallet, like literally the dream wallet.
I prefer the light pink one but I couldn't find it on the Internet.
DOES ANYBODY IN THE RIGHT MIND WILL BUY THIS?
I mean, it's freaking HKD 895.
No, I didn't buy it, and it makes me somehow sad. But I am still a shitty 18 year old kid, who doesn't have my own income. Yes, I can use my angpow money to buy it, completely easy. 不費吹牛之力. But my mother is definitely not happy about this.
Yesterday I met my cousin Zoe at a family dinner, she was a Salad fan. Was. She still liked it, but not as much a before, said she. But when I told her about it, she just tell me to go ahead. Like man, so easy and I have to make it so complicated. I suppose being in Australia for 4 years, is 24 now, has a job really does change oneself a lot. We went to the shop and she saw it, and she said she will buy it for me, but I keep declining. Is this some sort of Chinese shit? Like we keep declining people, disobeying out hearts. Yes yes yes I want it. But of course we still didn't buy it.
The above paragraph is a piece of long ass shitty paragraph. Absolute no essence and no point. Long story with no end.
In the end, I just have to give up. I suppose all those materialism thing has gotten into me hard. Like straight wham!
I feel like I'm expecting too much. Like too much from everyone. From myself. It makes me so cruel and so greedy. I don't wanna expect anymore, but it's so difficult. Like I don't even realise it when I'm giving harsh feedbacks and comments. I think a lot of people don't like me for it?
Oh dear. I really have to change this. Like be this carefree person, not so much expectations, follow the boat sort of people. Like Jer Vain, who is always so happy. Because she is so carefree. No expectations. Which suits me just fine.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Thoughts in the morning.
I think I have always remember it, the words that are spoken from my wise cousin's (Zoe) mouth.
"And Beethoven is deaf."
She said, when I was 14, sitting with my paternal family, a reunion dinner.
And I will always remember, it will be what motivates me, and keeps pushing me forward. Even if she doesn't realise it.
And I love her so much for it. Thanks. :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Random
After a way long gap, I decided to come back to here. In random.
I really need a song right now, any song, to think just last year I found lots of good songs probably every day, and now I am just so lost. And wondering where is Taylor Swift's "Style" or why isn't uploaded yet. I think that nowadays copyright issues are so boom, that I even thought that Taylor Swift vevo is gonna be taken down sooner or later. I mean, she holds on to copyright so damn tightly. She must really have it going because she probably took out all those music on the china music apps and such, and that I have to only rely on Spotify to hear her music. I confess that I only opened Spotify ONCE, because I don't have data, and even if I have wifi, I won't be opening Spotify hahaha. So pointless, should be uninstalling right now.
I wonder if one person likes something, is it because someone in his/her life also likes it too? I don't know, just wondering. Because I used to love TS, but now, still do, just not as much and it was because something gone. Does this also counts as trauma? Something or someone broke you, and whatever is playing at that time, you hated it now. Pavlov experiment.
These days my mind wandering and mood swinging. I feel so bad la. Just feeling bad for everything. Basically just everything. I think I am crazy, in a bad way. So bad. I must be positive, must face obstacle, but now I just want to run away from everything, especially relationships, with everybody. Just be the alone person I wanted to be and I used to be. Not into complicated stories, dramatic scenes, and bitching peoples. I wanna be positive although I am aware that nothing I wrote here is positive. Hahahaha. I suddenly found out, in random, that the best relationships are simple. As simple as a piece of paper. And I don't mean those love triangle and shit, or friends talking behind your backs, no no, not those shit, never happens for real even. What I mean is that it's so blank, so plain, no complicated thoughts, no suspicions, and terribly terribly honest. I think that when a relationship is no more honest then it's better be gone. I find it extremely hard to be honest with someone, either I tell a lie, or I keep quiet about it. If you keep quiet, then it wouldn't be a lie. Which is why we always prefer the latter. I feel that in here, in this country, it's still conservative. People are not really open-minded enough to accept other people. I won't talk much about this, but I do have a lot of flaws, I sometimes feel and see things differently than others, which is why most don't accept me?
Back to para 2, I still have a lot of time in here, and I wish to go out. So I find the need to blend in. But now, I am afraid, once I blend in, I can never go back, I will be like those people, conservative. And then I will forget myself, and can never remember back. Sort of a trauma, like Pavlov.
I am sure I am not talking any sense in here, although I wish that I can truly understand people, to have empathy, to make myself into other people feelings and feel what they have go through. I vow to be a better person, to help everyone I can, to forgive AND to forget, to be kind, to be thoughtful, to be gentle, to be quiet, to be beautiful, to be thin, to be happy, to be positive, to be red in the core, to be humorous, to be hardworking, to be lovely, to be lovable, to be crazy in a good way, to be everything that is perfect. Like Perfect.
I really am skeptical about myself, cannot see any good in me. No one really praised me. And laughed at me.
So I find, I feel the need to change, from deep down, from the core to the outside. I am corrupted in my own way, I want to trans, to shed my old skin. I want to think in a larger range, for real, to put myself into someone shoes.
I told you this is going to be random. Which is why it's confusing I know.
From now on, I am going to be positive. I will try to be.
I will control my anger and my mood swings, I will do what my guts told me to do, I wouldn't care for any comments about me as long as I am doing the right thing. I want to be myself, when I love myself that thinks differently than other, but more gentle, more positive, and that everyday is going to be a good and happy day, to set goals for myself, to ask when I am lost, and to teach when others are lost.
That's it. My new year's resolution, which I only decided now, is to be the person I love the most.
I really need a song right now, any song, to think just last year I found lots of good songs probably every day, and now I am just so lost. And wondering where is Taylor Swift's "Style" or why isn't uploaded yet. I think that nowadays copyright issues are so boom, that I even thought that Taylor Swift vevo is gonna be taken down sooner or later. I mean, she holds on to copyright so damn tightly. She must really have it going because she probably took out all those music on the china music apps and such, and that I have to only rely on Spotify to hear her music. I confess that I only opened Spotify ONCE, because I don't have data, and even if I have wifi, I won't be opening Spotify hahaha. So pointless, should be uninstalling right now.
I wonder if one person likes something, is it because someone in his/her life also likes it too? I don't know, just wondering. Because I used to love TS, but now, still do, just not as much and it was because something gone. Does this also counts as trauma? Something or someone broke you, and whatever is playing at that time, you hated it now. Pavlov experiment.
These days my mind wandering and mood swinging. I feel so bad la. Just feeling bad for everything. Basically just everything. I think I am crazy, in a bad way. So bad. I must be positive, must face obstacle, but now I just want to run away from everything, especially relationships, with everybody. Just be the alone person I wanted to be and I used to be. Not into complicated stories, dramatic scenes, and bitching peoples. I wanna be positive although I am aware that nothing I wrote here is positive. Hahahaha. I suddenly found out, in random, that the best relationships are simple. As simple as a piece of paper. And I don't mean those love triangle and shit, or friends talking behind your backs, no no, not those shit, never happens for real even. What I mean is that it's so blank, so plain, no complicated thoughts, no suspicions, and terribly terribly honest. I think that when a relationship is no more honest then it's better be gone. I find it extremely hard to be honest with someone, either I tell a lie, or I keep quiet about it. If you keep quiet, then it wouldn't be a lie. Which is why we always prefer the latter. I feel that in here, in this country, it's still conservative. People are not really open-minded enough to accept other people. I won't talk much about this, but I do have a lot of flaws, I sometimes feel and see things differently than others, which is why most don't accept me?
Back to para 2, I still have a lot of time in here, and I wish to go out. So I find the need to blend in. But now, I am afraid, once I blend in, I can never go back, I will be like those people, conservative. And then I will forget myself, and can never remember back. Sort of a trauma, like Pavlov.
I am sure I am not talking any sense in here, although I wish that I can truly understand people, to have empathy, to make myself into other people feelings and feel what they have go through. I vow to be a better person, to help everyone I can, to forgive AND to forget, to be kind, to be thoughtful, to be gentle, to be quiet, to be beautiful, to be thin, to be happy, to be positive, to be red in the core, to be humorous, to be hardworking, to be lovely, to be lovable, to be crazy in a good way, to be everything that is perfect. Like Perfect.
I really am skeptical about myself, cannot see any good in me. No one really praised me. And laughed at me.
So I find, I feel the need to change, from deep down, from the core to the outside. I am corrupted in my own way, I want to trans, to shed my old skin. I want to think in a larger range, for real, to put myself into someone shoes.
I told you this is going to be random. Which is why it's confusing I know.
From now on, I am going to be positive. I will try to be.
I will control my anger and my mood swings, I will do what my guts told me to do, I wouldn't care for any comments about me as long as I am doing the right thing. I want to be myself, when I love myself that thinks differently than other, but more gentle, more positive, and that everyday is going to be a good and happy day, to set goals for myself, to ask when I am lost, and to teach when others are lost.
That's it. My new year's resolution, which I only decided now, is to be the person I love the most.
Friday, January 23, 2015
启发
启发吗？
喜欢了一个人，就会改变自己，让人家更喜欢你。
不喜欢一个人，也会改变自己，让人家更讨厌你。
变成了自己喜欢的，就保持。
自己不喜欢，则再变。
变来变去。
日复一日，年复一年。
到最后自己也认不得最真实的自己。
变脸，为了融入其他的世界。
想要回想自己原本的样子，结果脑袋空白。
时间久了，一干二净。
自己在那时候究竟有多么天真，
只有陪你天真的人知道。
自己忘了自己，还可真讽刺。
更为糟糕的是，
还得再过上几十年的生活呢。
好的，就找回了自己。
不好的，永远也回不来。
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
1st Sunday since school reopens
偶尔略微自恋，就去看看自己的部落格究竟有多少人在看。出现了一张世界地图，颜色深的为多数，颜色浅的为少数吧。看着那个快绿得像黑色的马来西亚半岛，自然无话可说。但是再看看比黑绿还要浅的微青所在地，竟然是美国和阿拉斯加。不知道华文的美国人对我的华文是否好奇了哈哈哈哈！不过我想也不过是一些系统上的2进制搞的鬼，我不明白，也没什么兴趣要明白。
其实Blogger的dashboard上会有一个“Next Blog”的按钮。我以前无聊的时候就会按按看，貌似是随机的吧，然而按了10次，有8次是我毫无熟悉的语言。单单看字母也都猜不出是什么语言。法文吗？西班牙文吗？德文吗？
今天也就是稍微做了备考，准备了笔记。仅此。
貌似写这个偶尔也要看心情，内心里想要挤出一些富有文艺气氛的词汇，还真不是我的擅长之处。
其实Blogger的dashboard上会有一个“Next Blog”的按钮。我以前无聊的时候就会按按看，貌似是随机的吧，然而按了10次，有8次是我毫无熟悉的语言。单单看字母也都猜不出是什么语言。法文吗？西班牙文吗？德文吗？
今天也就是稍微做了备考，准备了笔记。仅此。
貌似写这个偶尔也要看心情，内心里想要挤出一些富有文艺气氛的词汇，还真不是我的擅长之处。
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Day 2
我突然间觉得我是一个很有个性的人。（2）
我在这个世界上已经步入了第17年又4个月了，然而感觉上我比任何和我同年龄的人，更加能够体验到人世间的丑陋和邪恶，人世间的单纯和美好也亦是如此。（是不是有些自大哈哈。）不过我想两者的比例，其实还差蛮多的。
比人家更早走出了这个校园，比人家遇到了更多不一样的人，实在是不知道应该看到庆幸还是后悔。校园内的确比外面的世界安全，自家内的确比外面的社会安全。然而走出了校园约五步，可以看到一个暴露狂露鸟比在校园内看到的概率就是1了。而我并没有只停留在五步。我走了一段距离，从一开始的懵懵懂懂的，到现在故意装作傻里傻气，不禁感叹，社会里的确出现了很多不一样且也没有见过的人类人格啊！
糊里糊涂的固然是有好。
近来咽不下饭，睡不了觉。每一天都想要吐。我这一生最令我感到引以为傲的称赞，不是我有负责任，不是我当上了天文学会主席，也不是我在天文学会里高中2年都获得学会评鉴优秀/特优奖。而是我抗压性很强。这打从也不是一个称赞，只是有人无意间提到了，而我以前也不把它当成一回事，抛在了脑后。然而，如今，统考了，我却开始慢慢感受到压力的侵袭，还有喘不过气的滋味。虽然我在这里常常都抱怨我喘不过气，多么难过，然而每一天我都吃得津津有味，每一天我都睡得很香。开学了，我连吃个吃了有5-6年的早餐，我都快要吐，实在是很难受。如今还是在想，应该要怎么熬过去。
时间不多，希望就到此结束。心里突然蹦出了下列一点话，不是自己打的，网上摘录。
你不问 我不说 这就是距离
你问了 我不说 这就是隔阂
你问了 我说了 这就是信任
你不问 我说了 这就是依赖
没想到我也有那么无聊的时候，但是希望在读的你，问问，你是哪一个“你”呢？希望可以套用在自己的生活里，然后察觉出你在一个人的心里，究竟是怎样的一个地位。没有褒也没有贬，只有幸运还有不幸运，有缘分还是擦肩而过。
我在这个世界上已经步入了第17年又4个月了，然而感觉上我比任何和我同年龄的人，更加能够体验到人世间的丑陋和邪恶，人世间的单纯和美好也亦是如此。（是不是有些自大哈哈。）不过我想两者的比例，其实还差蛮多的。
比人家更早走出了这个校园，比人家遇到了更多不一样的人，实在是不知道应该看到庆幸还是后悔。校园内的确比外面的世界安全，自家内的确比外面的社会安全。然而走出了校园约五步，可以看到一个暴露狂露鸟比在校园内看到的概率就是1了。而我并没有只停留在五步。我走了一段距离，从一开始的懵懵懂懂的，到现在故意装作傻里傻气，不禁感叹，社会里的确出现了很多不一样且也没有见过的人类人格啊！
糊里糊涂的固然是有好。
近来咽不下饭，睡不了觉。每一天都想要吐。我这一生最令我感到引以为傲的称赞，不是我有负责任，不是我当上了天文学会主席，也不是我在天文学会里高中2年都获得学会评鉴优秀/特优奖。而是我抗压性很强。这打从也不是一个称赞，只是有人无意间提到了，而我以前也不把它当成一回事，抛在了脑后。然而，如今，统考了，我却开始慢慢感受到压力的侵袭，还有喘不过气的滋味。虽然我在这里常常都抱怨我喘不过气，多么难过，然而每一天我都吃得津津有味，每一天我都睡得很香。开学了，我连吃个吃了有5-6年的早餐，我都快要吐，实在是很难受。如今还是在想，应该要怎么熬过去。
时间不多，希望就到此结束。心里突然蹦出了下列一点话，不是自己打的，网上摘录。
你不问 我不说 这就是距离
你问了 我不说 这就是隔阂
你问了 我说了 这就是信任
你不问 我说了 这就是依赖
没想到我也有那么无聊的时候，但是希望在读的你，问问，你是哪一个“你”呢？希望可以套用在自己的生活里，然后察觉出你在一个人的心里，究竟是怎样的一个地位。没有褒也没有贬，只有幸运还有不幸运，有缘分还是擦肩而过。
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Livemocha
Today I went stalking on someone's facebook again and i found out about Livemocha. Basically it's a very great platform to learn tremendously huge amount of foreign language, which I think its necessary. For me that is. The thing is, as much as I am interested in languages, I never thought of how to learn. I feel like a newborn child when facing a new language, so i think that livemocha is a great way to start? But I will just register and continue after I finished UEC.
There is actually more to write than these but I just feel tired, like I am always being watched (in a horrible terrible way). I just hope that some people just can understand, what does it means by stay out of my business, not being a fucking narcissist, a pessimist and also a busybody.
There is actually more to write than these but I just feel tired, like I am always being watched (in a horrible terrible way). I just hope that some people just can understand, what does it means by stay out of my business, not being a fucking narcissist, a pessimist and also a busybody.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Page 5
我突然间觉得我是一个很有个性的人。
昨天我和教练去了对面的Starbucks“借酒消愁”，我们谈了很多东西，不过在这里并非无所不谈。我告诉教练郑尊仁告诉我说他想要进入远距观测小组，在那时候我是多么的反对。尊仁难免不解，我告诉他说远距观测小组是禁止谈恋爱的人进入的，我已经被警告过了，他来的话岂不是让我们两个都难看。我把这个告诉伟伦的时候，他说他们只是开玩笑的。我说我当然知道是开玩笑的，我也告诉了伟伦其实我内心究竟是怎么想的。
我说，无论我是一个多么嚣张，粗心的人，我始终会把很多东西分得很清楚，我不喜欢模棱两可。朋友之间的友情归朋友之间的友情，男女朋友之间的爱情归爱情，而我和远距的同伴们之间的关系也是如此。我和远距不能说是情感至深，但我们都会彼此照应，这就是我喜欢远距的原因之一。我和郑尊仁在一起的时候的确有时候嚣张跋扈，尤其我很是故意，不会把他的顾虑放在眼里。因此可以想象我们两个人就在这个夜晚里还晒照明，人家究竟会如何想？不就是不想要被人家议论不要脸，我已经多次放肆大胆，然而这些顾虑足以证明我是很害怕，胆小，儒弱的人了。说我自私也罢，但我仍然坚持捍卫我的立场。
我们都曾经问过伟伦，我们身旁的这些人，都可以帮我们分忧，但为什么我们就是无法向这些人坦白。论是好朋友，是男女朋友，是家人都好，都还是不会完完全全把所有的事情都告诉他们。伟伦说，我们身边找到了一个可以时时刻刻倾心的人，但当突然发现有个问题无法告诉他时，是因为他就是那个问题。因此，有些事情，我不会和男朋友说，有些心事我不会和好朋友说，有些事情我也不会和家人说，其实都是因为如此。就是要分得如此清楚明撩。可能有褒有贬，但这就是我的想法。有的人无法接受，也就自然会有的人可以接受。
远距的事情固然不可以和男朋友的事情放在一起，但是也不能那么自私剥夺一个人参加远距的机会的兴趣。我人在某些方面还是固有心思，一个人要参加远距究竟是为了什么，问问一下便知道。是真的有兴趣，还是只想要图个快乐？是为了自己，还是为了大家？只能说我在远距里也不过是个区区无闻无问组员，但论诚意，我还是十分在意的。就是忍受不了过分的死缠烂打，乱踹一脚。以前我试过了，现在就觉得恶心。你可以说我不分青红皂白地污蔑，不了解，我就是不了解，因为没有一个好理由给我了解。我只知道，是伟伦放进所有的心血而造就了现在的远距观测小组，我是不会让一些没有必要的感情纠纷污染这个地方的。你能明白吗？
一切都已经坦白了，要怎么想我不在乎。
Friday, January 2, 2015
我的好友
其實我現在才發現原來我的好友是很不喜歡吃芝士焗飯和芝士義大利麵。然而我通通都喜歡。我們也算是很少一起出門可以彼此多了解。
不過現在我連她最喜歡吃什麼還有最喜歡什麼顏色什麼品牌的衣服化妝品我都不知道。想想一下還很失敗因為我們的友誼都有10年了吧。
我只知道她有一度就是很喜歡穿沙灘褲哈哈哈哈哈哈！
不過我的話，總覺得我沒有特別的喜好。像什麼東西都覺得好吃，不好吃的反而就忘了，這個老爸教得好。什麼顏色也都蠻喜歡不會有意見雖然首選是粉紅色科科科，那就是有喜歡的顏色了吧 -_-
不過我會嘗試慢慢了解她。另外我覺得我有時候很有失憶症。就是我無法記得我們小時候做的很多事情。她也挺會記得的... 哈哈哈哈好吧我錯 -_-
Thursday, January 1, 2015
愛情是不是盲目的
其實我並不相信「愛情是盲目的」。
但是這種事情好像一直都發生在我身上。每次得到教訓後我都會自我反省，可惜這個奇怪的定義仍然無時無刻重覆地出現在我的生活裡。
往往我都不知道自己跌進了一個大坑，有人提醒了我頓時豁然開朗。
該如何是好。我也不知道。
只能看時間怎麼過了。
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)