Random

After a way long gap, I decided to come back to here. In random.
I really need a song right now, any song, to think just last year I found lots of good songs probably every day, and now I am just so lost. And wondering where is Taylor Swift's "Style" or why isn't uploaded yet. I think that nowadays copyright issues are so boom, that I even thought that Taylor Swift vevo is gonna be taken down sooner or later. I mean, she holds on to copyright so damn tightly. She must really have it going because she probably took out all those music on the china music apps and such, and that I have to only rely on Spotify to hear her music. I confess that I only opened Spotify ONCE, because I don't have data, and even if I have wifi, I won't be opening Spotify hahaha. So pointless, should be uninstalling right now.

I wonder if one person likes something, is it because someone in his/her life also likes it too? I don't know, just wondering. Because I used to love TS, but now, still do, just not as much and it was because something gone. Does this also counts as trauma? Something or someone broke you, and whatever is playing at that time, you hated it now. Pavlov experiment.

These days my mind wandering and mood swinging. I feel so bad la. Just feeling bad for everything. Basically just everything. I think I am crazy, in a bad way. So bad. I must be positive, must face obstacle, but now I just want to run away from everything, especially relationships, with everybody. Just be the alone person I wanted to be and I used to be. Not into complicated stories, dramatic scenes, and bitching peoples. I wanna be positive although I am aware that nothing I wrote here is positive. Hahahaha. I suddenly found out, in random, that the best relationships are simple. As simple as a piece of paper. And I don't mean those love triangle and shit, or friends talking behind your backs, no no, not those shit, never happens for real even. What I mean is that it's so blank, so plain, no complicated thoughts, no suspicions, and terribly terribly honest. I think that when a relationship is no more honest then it's better be gone. I find it extremely hard to be honest with someone, either I tell a lie, or I keep quiet about it. If you keep quiet, then it wouldn't be a lie. Which is why we always prefer the latter. I feel that in here, in this country, it's still conservative. People are not really open-minded enough to accept other people. I won't talk much about this, but I do have a lot of flaws, I sometimes feel and see things differently than others, which is why most don't accept me?

Back to para 2, I still have a lot of time in here, and I wish to go out. So I find the need to blend in. But now, I am afraid, once I blend in, I can never go back, I will be like those people, conservative. And then I will forget myself, and can never remember back. Sort of a trauma, like Pavlov.

I am sure I am not talking any sense in here, although I wish that I can truly understand people, to have empathy, to make myself into other people feelings and feel what they have go through. I vow to be a better person, to help everyone I can, to forgive AND to forget, to be kind, to be thoughtful, to be gentle, to be quiet, to be beautiful, to be thin, to be happy, to be positive, to be red in the core, to be humorous, to be hardworking, to be lovely, to be lovable, to be crazy in a good way, to be everything that is perfect. Like Perfect.

I really am skeptical about myself, cannot see any good in me. No one really praised me. And laughed at me.

So I find, I feel the need to change, from deep down, from the core to the outside. I am corrupted in my own way, I want to trans, to shed my old skin. I want to think in a larger range, for real, to put myself into someone shoes.

I told you this is going to be random. Which is why it's confusing I know.

From now on, I am going to be positive. I will try to be.
I will control my anger and my mood swings, I will do what my guts told me to do, I wouldn't care for any comments about me as long as I am doing the right thing. I want to be myself, when I love myself that thinks differently than other, but more gentle, more positive, and that everyday is going to be a good and happy day, to set goals for myself, to ask when I am lost, and to teach when others are lost.

That's it. My new year's resolution, which I only decided now, is to be the person I love the most.