love

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

-Clarity

2 Questions for 2 guys who sort of made my life miserable yet happy. 

For the first question it's for Teh Chi En, because EVERYTHING between us is a tragedy, and then it was only because of him that I finally become the girl that got away. And he is the boy who murdered love. Everything between us is so less, so meaningless.

For the second question it's for a boy, due to even fucking lame privacy, I don't want to say his name, let's just name him 'him'. He is the boy who made love. He made me insane, wanting to love more. And I always thought that I was so strong, and always had an advantage over other people, but not him. He made me feel vulnerable, like if even a day he'd stopped loving, I will crumble to dust, and drown in epilepsy. That's why I need him so badly, he is my clarity.

I fear that I have made a sin so bad that even god can't forgive me and Satan will embrace me. If he left me, I will just find another one similar to him, or even better. This is the only way when I know that I actually had an advantage, and not only being so weak, begging him to not leave me. And that is why I refuse to put down a name for the second guy because I know that I can change it whenever I want.

My perspective of love has changed so much. For three years I struggle like mad, and now is another episode and the past was a stage.

I can be Satan's angel.

Drunk

I woke up at 5:45 a.m. and then everything turned around me. Fast. Very fast.
How long has it been since I woke up and then found out that I didn't actually sleep? And because I was thinking of someone and wondering the things one would do to me.
I was still in my school uniform and didn't even get to have a bath last night.
So I proceeded to take off my clothes, which are rinsed with sweat, and is very disgusted of myself.
Complicated feelings and guiltiness. It wasn't a dream, It was real, and it was probably the most stupidest things I have ever done in my life, or said.
Why, why, why I kept asking myself, and forcing myself to forget but a lot of things flashed by in my mind.I started to revise chemistry but nothing will disappear from my mind. Thank the lord my father walked into my room and tell me go upstairs for breakfast. And thank the lord again because I can still do normal conversations and that made me feel a little bit better.
And my father went to work, my brother went to daycare, and my mother is sleeping. I was lying on the sofa, eating bread, and listening to songs on the tv. Damn it! The conversations, the fantasies, the hallucinations, they all came back, like thousands of waves crashing on me. And I felt nausea. I wanted to stop eating my bread because I felt like vomiting. Eventually I get to finish my bread, and cried. Like screaming for help because it wasn't me that night. I was really drunk.

I was drunk.
Not because of alcohol.
I was drowned by desire.
And desire it was, succumbing me to a deep abyss.
I may never get out.

Saturday

Alright. It's a month now since I updated. For the two weeks holiday I spent my time as a hermit living in my house and too lazy to eat anything. Haha. SO lets talk about random stuff I found, done, and felt.
Let's say yesterday. On Saturday, I went to school because training for Sports Day. And then I freaking ran for like 10 rounds straight, and then another 3 rounds with timing, and then exercise to train my legs and stuff. So it's really nothing special. And I talked with a friend, from the prefects. The story is, because Friday was the School Teacher's Day, the prefects had to like go out to help during classes and that made the teachers VERY angry. And when in Biology class, and the teacher muttered and complained, I was like:" What the hell is wrong with that?" I tell this to the friend, he was silent and expressionless, and he said :"Well, I suppose it doesn't really matters, because we can't make everyone happy/satisfied." All of a sudden, I felt bad for telling him this. There are times when I appreciate and thankful for what the prefects have done for the school, so when the teachers were angry with them, I felt that the teachers are overreacting. Of course, I can still see from the teachers point of view, they are worried if the prefects couldn't keep up with their studies. But then if one can't even keep up with their studies, one shouldn't be a prefect in the first place. It's like organizing your life properly.
At 12 pm, my father came to school to fetch me to once-my-daycare-centre, for my brother was there. And when I got my brother out, waiting at the door, a kid, 5?6? who doesn't even look like he is in primary suddenly complained to the kakak : "XXX said 'fuck' and (bad words)". And I hung my mouth in the air staring at the kid. And the thing is the kakak maybe don't know what he was saying and tell him to go inside. I began to recall when I first swore. Damn it, I was only standard 4 when I yelled out a bad word, because there is this stupid boy who keeps making fun of me, and tbh I don't even know what the word means until I was going to secondary school. I admit I was young to be swearing already, but NOW it's a kid wearing ultra-man pyjamas saying things like 'fuck'. And I made up my mind : No, I don't want my child to go to day-care...
And this were the incidents that occur to me on Saturday and everything else went fine.