Thursday, April 16, 2015

Quote

There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Patrick Rothfuss

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Nightmare came true

Extract from my dream journal (forgive me for my ugly handwriting, I was drowsy from sleep yet alert and wide awake after this nightmare). Written at 23rd March 2015.

I went to Dr Thomas's clinic today. All was good, when April then whispered to me -whispered because she doesn't want Atif to know- "the other doctor from last time" came to the clinic and asked boss for a job. 

"Which other doctor?" I asked, somehow  confused, but deep down I know and trying to run away from the truth. April then mouthed "Ali". She was then upset because Atif was just beside us, although he can't hear us, but April was upset because she " don't wanna let Atif know" (there was some bad history between them then).

Anyway, I had to pretend a look, like somehow surprised. But when I closed my mouth and my mind started processing, I can feel the clutch, that feeling that a hand is going to crush my heart to pieces and blood. 

What should I do? He is coming back? Should I face him? Should I run away? It's been one year he's gone, and now he is coming back.

April also said that boss rejected him, saying that they don't need anyone at the moment. Which makes me relieved for some time. But then I found out that he had came twice to the clinic and called once, changing his number and all. Does he still remember my number? He can call the clinic. So until today, I've been so skeptical on unknown numbers, cause I'm afraid that when I hear his voice once again, I might break down. Bad.

It's going to be exam season soon. So after one more week I might quit. So I might be safe for some time. The whole day I was looking at the door, scared that he might show up, and I still got a chance to run away. 

The other me wants to talk to him, and asked if we can "negotiate". That's if I met him. But you all know me, I'm a coward of some sort. It's not possible.

Of course I am afraid, but I have to keep my cool. 

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Keep Calm

I. Must. Fucking. Keep. Calm.
Must. Fucking. Keep. Calm.
Fucking. Keep. Calm.
Keep. Calm.
Calm.

Okay I'm calm.

Sometimes I just wonder if Facebook Chat have those bold or colour red to just show somebody how urgent this piece of shit is.
And the only damn way I can find myself to do is to just press the "leave group" button.
I know I am not in a good mood today. And somehow I also blame myself for not doing the word document yesterday.
"Never speak when you are angry" is what pierce me into the heart. Bulls eye. Because when that happens, when I am upset and angry, and when I speak, I find the bad in me, the darkness within me. The vulgar words coming out from my fingers and my mind. The rash, carelessness that blew away my reason, and straight away attacking at my friend, destroying our relationship. As much as I knew she wouldn't really blame me (?), if this keeps going on, little by little, anger piles and love tumbles. So much for being regretful.

Just stop. Everyone being so "busy". And everybody knows how to think cleverly and how to speak diligently but not doing any work. I can't say I am different, but I did my best to take out the first step. But that is not the reason I have to take it ALL right? I am not going to walk this path. All of the route, all of those steps. I am not going to do that. If it does ended up like this, I am going to stop. I will abandon this shit. Either I die, or we all die.

After all, I still have the "leave group" button.