Dear serenity

I find the word 'serenity' very beautiful. Very intriguing and classy. Like it's made out of love and romance. Delicate and fragile. When I first recognize this vocab I was mesmerized, probably hoping it to be my nickname. But I probably didn't check up the dictionary and then confused it with 'sorority'. 

'Serenity' indeed deserves it's name. Calm, peaceful, quiet. It's everything I want to be. Free from depression, free from anxiety.

My dear friend from the clinic, Ali, told me that he loves me. He loves me very much. He wants me. He wants me to be with him. He then proceeds to ask me what are my feelings? Angry? Confused? Happy? Joy?

And I replied him. I have no feeling. I feel nothing. He then diagnosised me and said that he will treat me.

He said that love is important to him. I want to tell him that love is nothing to me. I have no heart. As much as I have that much affection for animals I have lost all desire for human feelings. Love is something I cannot earn for now. Success is, and that is what I want in life. I want to go to a university that I am worth for, to have a career as a veterinary, to work in safaris to work in zoos as better as working in a clinic. I want to have money, to fulfill every of my wishes and hopes. 

Ali, to me, is a very dangerous man. He is  threatening me. When I rejects his love, he went so crazy he said he wants to die. He is a crazy man in love. I cannot talk him into some sense. That night when he said that he wants to die is unforgettable. I called him countless times and it went straight to the voicemail. I waited and waited the whole night. My heart racing fast and I send him unlimited messages to beg him not to die. At that time I am really depressed, it's not because I have feelings for him, it's because I don't want any deaths. Simple as that.

At the morning 6am I called him one more time. And he answered. I then proceed to moan and ask him if he is okay. Then everything was calm and I finally can go to sleep.

When I woke up, I came to realization that there were no tears during the whole incident. My face is very dry. Even the moan I made is so fake I could laugh about it. 

And then I vowed if in any time Ali says of hurting himself again. I will break every connection we have before. This is thoroughly insane. 

He still says that he loves me but I let it pass away. I need to tell him to give me some space but I am actually afraid he would hurt himself. He is indeed a crazy man. How many crazy people have I met in my 16-years of life? 

I have no heart. I guess that is why I feel so calm so peaceful at some times. Serenity. 

What is the difference between a broken heart and a broken bottle? A broken bottle hurts you in the flesh. A broken heart sends you to hell. Not specific differences. When one has a broken heart, there are two choices to be made. One is to mend it, sew it, glue it. And the other is to throw the pieces away. I chose the latter. 

A broken heart is indeed saddening. Emotional piece of shit. 

Day 6 to Day 9

So here I am trying to make up my losses and stuff. In these four days, I will try to write down everything new I have learned.

Actually, animals have cancer too. There was a day when I saw Ali doing surgery, and he removed something that looks like a stone. I was meaning to ask later, but then blood suddenly spurt out so high, and then his shirt got dirty. And then my mother came to pick me home. So at night I smsed Ali and asked him. He said they are removing the "growth", in medical term it's called "lymphoma", basically it would spread in the body and cause cancer. And then the next day, another dog came in the surgery room, and there are 2 very large swollen bulb (size approximately 3 fists?) in her belly, and a small one. So Ali spend 4 hours doing the surgery, actually removing is wasn't quite challenging, if lucky, all you need is a scissor, but the hard part is suturing. Because the veins have been cut off, blood keeps coming out, so Ali had to suture the veins, and then suture the other stuffs, but no matter how much he suture, blood still keeps coming out, so he had to remove all the stitches he did on the muscles and skin, and proceed to suture the unfound veins. Okay in the end, he is so tired, he had to ask Murugen to help him suture. 

Maggots are such horrifying creatures. There is a puppy who has maggots in her  vulva. And there is a dog who has maggots in his testicles. Okay conclusion is, please keep your pets clean.

Eventually, that's it.... I guess.... If there are more to come I will fill in later.

So, a little stuff about things going in the clinic. Ali said that he likes me very much. But he wants me to take my time, until I graduated from uni and we shall see maybe.......? This is very surprising to me, I still cannot fully digest it. Slowly then.....

Madi is now my "father", and April is now my "mother".... Happy hahahahahaha....

There was a time, when Ali said he tell me a secret. So I waited until less patients and asked him to tell me. But then he said:" six months later I will tell you." I cannot possibly wait for that long, so I asked and asked and he refused and refused. Until I have no clue what to do I turned to April and said :"Ali 欺负我!"April led out an angry scream and proceed to take the cutter in her desk and point to Ali, who has no idea of what I have said. "What!? Ali-qi-fu-wo? What does it mean!?" In the end I still didn't get his secret but whatever.

And everyday I want to say I am very blessed to volunteer in this clinic. I have learned a lot and will proceed learning. Thanks and appreciate for everybody and everything I have encountered. 

Day 9

Okay soooo....

9th of December is the ninth day I went to clinic.... Actually that's only a really short while.

Actually I have no more to share because the patients come and go and it has become a daily basis, so nothing new to record. Most of the symptoms are the same and the surgeries don't differ too much.

There are actually a lot of things happening, it's just that everyday day seems like an hour.

The only thing that I would like to keep on taking is the people there, the funny things I have encountered and daily stuff.

For now i shall stop here. Goodbye and goodnight!

Day 5 & 6

Okay first of all I want to apologize for not continuing my journal in daily basis. I find it to be troublesome actually, and I always forget the details. Even if I do remember there is always laziness. I will try to make up to it today. 

Day 5 (Tuesday)

Day 4 is quite normal in my opinion, Atif took the day off. It was a very normal day. Normal patients, spaying surgery. Also, Ali advice me to record the process of a surgery so I can watch it anytime I want. But I didn't, because it's too gross to put it in my phone, other reason is I think is inapropriate. Ali taught me about suture. Basically there are two types of thread when suture. One is absorbable thread, other is nylon thread. The former is used when stitching the tissues and muscles, one day they will dissolve, no need to take out. As for nylon thread is used on the skin. So when the skin recovered, we will have to remove the stiches. 

I did make paper notes.

Mostly is about disease, like we humans, animals have to do vaccination and deworm, when younger, and then a yearly basis. So the vaccination we took is to prevent hepatitis, HIV and stuff. For animals there are hepatitis, influenza and some I haven't known yet. 

There are dogs here who have very serious virus infection, one is parvo that I'd mention before, the other example is distemper. I haven't learn the symptoms yet. But what I know is, a parvo test is done by specimens through the faeces, as for a distemper test, it's done by getting specimens from eyes and nose. 

Today I also learned about 'animic' which means lack of blood. And also dystocia, means difficulty in parturation.

That day there is an Indian family bringing a stray puppy to the clinic. No serious injury, just a few stiches when the father said:"put it to sleep." Then Ali took a pink liquid and jab it to the puppy's heart. Then the puppy died. 

Okay I admit I cried. April was at the same room with us checking the shelves. And she said she cannot bear to see it. Her back facing us. After the dog was sent out I started to feel so sad, and Madi saw me cry and said sorry to me.

Okay the sad part over we say the happy part, which is before the puppy gets put to sleep.

It was already 2 and I still haven't had lunch. April was already out. So I asked Ali if he had lunch. He said am I asking him out. Supposedly I punched him. But after a few moments we then went out to a restaurant near by. Then we saw April with another bunch of people I do not know. Ali and I sat on another table. Ali asked for April to come and join us. April came and she told Ali:"The Aunty there asked me, if she(me) is your wife." Supposedly I punched myself. Actually on my second day I think, a delivery man came to give us stock, then he saw me  and Ali sitting together in the receptionist counter, and ask Ali:" your girlfriend ah?" Girlfriend is enough, summore wife! Eventually its just a misunderstanding and we only took it as something happened. And then the two of them talked about problems in the clinic and such. Attitude about others which I am not here to speak out loud. And I learned that April had did surgery before but now wants to work as a receptionist.

Okay that's basically about Day 4.

Day 6 (Wednesday)

Written on 9 December 2013

Okay la I totally forgot everything.... I'm so bad..... -.-

Day 4

Today I didn't do any notes..... and worst is I forgot most of today by now.

Particularly because there is not much special cases, and a regular flowing of patients.

They told me that yesterday is so damn busy because it's Sunday and they only work for half day. 

Because I am a good volunteer, I will still try to write, though most of the time I spent learning new things and laughing.

So when I walked in the clinic, a dog, which was having trouble labouring ( via first day ), had to remove the blood clot in the stitches, nothing much.

I only saw Atif this morning, then April came and say Ali taking off.

Kumar showed me the bit marks on his wrist, got bitten by a Shi-Tzu yesterday. Then came some dogs having appetite problem, vomiting, diarrhoea, given injection and medicine. 

The hard part is forcing them to eat and swallowing the pills. Some dogs are resistant in having pills. Some fight really hard I almost got bitten too. 

Some cats are also very fierce. There is this one cat, when Kumar gave it food, it doesn't want to eat. Then Dr. Mathews went to check on the cat and give it the can of wet food, the cat ate so happily, so we laugh how the cat reacts differently. When Dr.Mathews left, the cat became resisting again, when doctor come back, the cat eat again. Have to say here too bad the cat still died. 

We also did a spaying of a kitten, did by Dr.Mathews. Faster than Atif last time a lot! Speed and accurate!

Atif did a surgery of removing blood clot in a ear of a dog. When the surgery done it was already 1 to 2 o'clock and some of us haven't eat lunch. 

Actually Ali did came today, while I was sitting at the receptionist, April said she want to go "kacao" Ali. Today has been raining all day, the shops are closed, April and I was very hungry. Not to mention Atif too. So when Ali answered the phone call, April talked to him in this very sweet voice and I cannot stop laughing. Then Ali said that he is now coming to the clinic. April then demanded him to buy kuih for both of us, if not she will not sayang him. She say I love you to him, how sweet hahahahahahahaha. But then when Ali came, there is no kuih. 

A dog came in the clinic and started to vomit immediately, Ali then say he will not stand for 3 days, like the time when he predict the end of the cat. I'm not sure what happened to the dog later. 

Then came in a dog and is suffering so badly, lung and heart failure, it pants and huffs, like cannot get enough of oxygen, it's lungs are swollen so badly. The owner just stood there, we gave the dog drip and such. Then Atif, April, and I were so hungry we decided to call McDonald delivery. Shitty McDonald don't have delivery in this area. So Atif and I went there to order driving his car. Talking about cars, April read the newspapers today and say how she just had a chance to win lottery, using car plates numbers, but failed to win also la. So we bought back food and then the dog is dead. Ali is somewhat relief for an owner to see her dog died and accompanied her to the last minute, this one is affection, the other reason is because they don't have to explain that much anymore. 

The 'star' today is this dog with parvo virus. And then I touched it, so I had to use chlorox to wash my hand. I am not sure of this parvo virus, but they did a parvo test. Haha finally got picture from the internet lol. 

Something like this and then you apply a small specimen of faeces ( got from the anus of dog ) with water, apply on both circles, then the liquid will fuse into the bar and strips will be seen. 

This is probably the end of patients.

Also got who came for vaccination, and a rabbit today! 

Today I learned a variety of surgery tools. I will try to jot down here if not I will forget. Actually even if I forget there is always google (Wikipedia). Hahahaha!!!

Blunt scissors

Artery forceps (clamp blood vessel to stop bleeding)

Sharp scissors

Forceps

Okay I only remembered until here. -.-

Sorry Atif. Tomorrow we continue ah!

Whenever we have free time we just chat and joke around. Feeling so blessed! Everyday!

I told them I won't come tomorrow because I need to go to the Old Folks home. 

I told Ali I going out on a date and he looks like jealous. -.- Just joking.

Madi said if I come then no boring, if I no come then boring. Hahahahahahahahaha so flattered and blessed again!

Maybe I will go tomorrow :)

Actually there are a lot of jokes today just that I cannot remember anything to write in here so.... in my memory and dreams la! Always :)

Ah apparently Atif and Ali both want me as 'girlfriend'. Should I be flattered as well?

Madi said Pakistan guys very like perempuan. So I tolerate ah! Hahahahahahahaha!

Somemore both of then do the lady and tramp thing using McDonald fries with April!

NO kiss ah! Atif and April are already married people.

They just use the mouth to give fries. Hahahahahahahaha...

We bought prosperity burger for Ali, then I choose chicken for him. Turns out he doesn't like chicken. :/ But he said anything I choose he will also like. Hahahahahahaha!!!! 

Then he keep passing the burger and then asking us if we want. April scold him for don't know women, must use more 'romantic' way mah! So he use the Lady and Tramp style. -.-

Okay that's it for today! :D