Pessimist

I often feel abandon I think. I mean, people seem to treat me like I'm someone who is 'disposable'. This is a very negative feeling, but sometimes I can't help myself. If I be the enthusiastic one, people don't acknowledge at all. If I be the calm one, people will think that I'm boring. If I be the crazy one, people avoid me. If I be the passive one, people ignore me. There is no real me, because no matter who I become no one will notice me, which is why I always try to be perfect. I yearn to be perfect. Because I'm that self-centered girl who cannot live with a friend. Yet I have none. This is so unfair, because I have all of these people around me who cares(?) about me. This is so unfair to the people around me. What is my problem, actually? Am I too bossy, am I too passive? Am I too conserve? Am I too open? Am I too enthusiastic? Am I too loud? Am I not 'play' enough?

When I think it thoroughly, I found myself unable to find a university straight away, I'm going to have to have a gap year, but not in any other place, but in here. Goddamnit, I hate this place. I hate the people here, I hate the cars and the air here. I hate the garbage I see on the roadside. I hate all those working foreigners with their large staring eyes. I hate imagining myself driving on the roads in this stupid country. I want to leave this place, even if it's a gap year. Then I thought of Hong Kong, my second home, and damn, that place is even worse than here. All the news about beating travelers because they refuse to buy things. Those shitty attitude I witness myself in that place, as much it's actually much cleaner and has great underground transport, the culture and people there totally is the worst. 

I want to leave here. Because I have no one here. People know me and people avoid me. People don't want to talk to me here, because they don't like my personality. So I want to leave here, and so I can forge another me. I can be a new me, I can meet new people, learn their expectations and transform myself into, well, myself. I can forge a new self. 

What is the thing that my friend told me?

为自己而活 才会活得没有怨言

凡是要是想别人感激 这是奢侈多余

真性情的人 才不会炫耀 所以没有自卑

Ah, what wisdom that is. I suppose I still have a long way to learn. And I'm so sorry that I expected.