Dear serenity

I find the word 'serenity' very beautiful. Very intriguing and classy. Like it's made out of love and romance. Delicate and fragile. When I first recognize this vocab I was mesmerized, probably hoping it to be my nickname. But I probably didn't check up the dictionary and then confused it with 'sorority'. 

'Serenity' indeed deserves it's name. Calm, peaceful, quiet. It's everything I want to be. Free from depression, free from anxiety.

My dear friend from the clinic, Ali, told me that he loves me. He loves me very much. He wants me. He wants me to be with him. He then proceeds to ask me what are my feelings? Angry? Confused? Happy? Joy?

And I replied him. I have no feeling. I feel nothing. He then diagnosised me and said that he will treat me.

He said that love is important to him. I want to tell him that love is nothing to me. I have no heart. As much as I have that much affection for animals I have lost all desire for human feelings. Love is something I cannot earn for now. Success is, and that is what I want in life. I want to go to a university that I am worth for, to have a career as a veterinary, to work in safaris to work in zoos as better as working in a clinic. I want to have money, to fulfill every of my wishes and hopes. 

Ali, to me, is a very dangerous man. He is  threatening me. When I rejects his love, he went so crazy he said he wants to die. He is a crazy man in love. I cannot talk him into some sense. That night when he said that he wants to die is unforgettable. I called him countless times and it went straight to the voicemail. I waited and waited the whole night. My heart racing fast and I send him unlimited messages to beg him not to die. At that time I am really depressed, it's not because I have feelings for him, it's because I don't want any deaths. Simple as that.

At the morning 6am I called him one more time. And he answered. I then proceed to moan and ask him if he is okay. Then everything was calm and I finally can go to sleep.

When I woke up, I came to realization that there were no tears during the whole incident. My face is very dry. Even the moan I made is so fake I could laugh about it. 

And then I vowed if in any time Ali says of hurting himself again. I will break every connection we have before. This is thoroughly insane. 

He still says that he loves me but I let it pass away. I need to tell him to give me some space but I am actually afraid he would hurt himself. He is indeed a crazy man. How many crazy people have I met in my 16-years of life? 

I have no heart. I guess that is why I feel so calm so peaceful at some times. Serenity. 

What is the difference between a broken heart and a broken bottle? A broken bottle hurts you in the flesh. A broken heart sends you to hell. Not specific differences. When one has a broken heart, there are two choices to be made. One is to mend it, sew it, glue it. And the other is to throw the pieces away. I chose the latter. 

A broken heart is indeed saddening. Emotional piece of shit. 

Day 6 to Day 9

So here I am trying to make up my losses and stuff. In these four days, I will try to write down everything new I have learned.

Actually, animals have cancer too. There was a day when I saw Ali doing surgery, and he removed something that looks like a stone. I was meaning to ask later, but then blood suddenly spurt out so high, and then his shirt got dirty. And then my mother came to pick me home. So at night I smsed Ali and asked him. He said they are removing the "growth", in medical term it's called "lymphoma", basically it would spread in the body and cause cancer. And then the next day, another dog came in the surgery room, and there are 2 very large swollen bulb (size approximately 3 fists?) in her belly, and a small one. So Ali spend 4 hours doing the surgery, actually removing is wasn't quite challenging, if lucky, all you need is a scissor, but the hard part is suturing. Because the veins have been cut off, blood keeps coming out, so Ali had to suture the veins, and then suture the other stuffs, but no matter how much he suture, blood still keeps coming out, so he had to remove all the stitches he did on the muscles and skin, and proceed to suture the unfound veins. Okay in the end, he is so tired, he had to ask Murugen to help him suture. 

Maggots are such horrifying creatures. There is a puppy who has maggots in her  vulva. And there is a dog who has maggots in his testicles. Okay conclusion is, please keep your pets clean.

Eventually, that's it.... I guess.... If there are more to come I will fill in later.

So, a little stuff about things going in the clinic. Ali said that he likes me very much. But he wants me to take my time, until I graduated from uni and we shall see maybe.......? This is very surprising to me, I still cannot fully digest it. Slowly then.....

Madi is now my "father", and April is now my "mother".... Happy hahahahahaha....

There was a time, when Ali said he tell me a secret. So I waited until less patients and asked him to tell me. But then he said:" six months later I will tell you." I cannot possibly wait for that long, so I asked and asked and he refused and refused. Until I have no clue what to do I turned to April and said :"Ali 欺负我!"April led out an angry scream and proceed to take the cutter in her desk and point to Ali, who has no idea of what I have said. "What!? Ali-qi-fu-wo? What does it mean!?" In the end I still didn't get his secret but whatever.

And everyday I want to say I am very blessed to volunteer in this clinic. I have learned a lot and will proceed learning. Thanks and appreciate for everybody and everything I have encountered. 

Day 9

Okay soooo....

9th of December is the ninth day I went to clinic.... Actually that's only a really short while.

Actually I have no more to share because the patients come and go and it has become a daily basis, so nothing new to record. Most of the symptoms are the same and the surgeries don't differ too much.

There are actually a lot of things happening, it's just that everyday day seems like an hour.

The only thing that I would like to keep on taking is the people there, the funny things I have encountered and daily stuff.

For now i shall stop here. Goodbye and goodnight!

Day 5 & 6

Okay first of all I want to apologize for not continuing my journal in daily basis. I find it to be troublesome actually, and I always forget the details. Even if I do remember there is always laziness. I will try to make up to it today. 

Day 5 (Tuesday)

Day 4 is quite normal in my opinion, Atif took the day off. It was a very normal day. Normal patients, spaying surgery. Also, Ali advice me to record the process of a surgery so I can watch it anytime I want. But I didn't, because it's too gross to put it in my phone, other reason is I think is inapropriate. Ali taught me about suture. Basically there are two types of thread when suture. One is absorbable thread, other is nylon thread. The former is used when stitching the tissues and muscles, one day they will dissolve, no need to take out. As for nylon thread is used on the skin. So when the skin recovered, we will have to remove the stiches. 

I did make paper notes.

Mostly is about disease, like we humans, animals have to do vaccination and deworm, when younger, and then a yearly basis. So the vaccination we took is to prevent hepatitis, HIV and stuff. For animals there are hepatitis, influenza and some I haven't known yet. 

There are dogs here who have very serious virus infection, one is parvo that I'd mention before, the other example is distemper. I haven't learn the symptoms yet. But what I know is, a parvo test is done by specimens through the faeces, as for a distemper test, it's done by getting specimens from eyes and nose. 

Today I also learned about 'animic' which means lack of blood. And also dystocia, means difficulty in parturation.

That day there is an Indian family bringing a stray puppy to the clinic. No serious injury, just a few stiches when the father said:"put it to sleep." Then Ali took a pink liquid and jab it to the puppy's heart. Then the puppy died. 

Okay I admit I cried. April was at the same room with us checking the shelves. And she said she cannot bear to see it. Her back facing us. After the dog was sent out I started to feel so sad, and Madi saw me cry and said sorry to me.

Okay the sad part over we say the happy part, which is before the puppy gets put to sleep.

It was already 2 and I still haven't had lunch. April was already out. So I asked Ali if he had lunch. He said am I asking him out. Supposedly I punched him. But after a few moments we then went out to a restaurant near by. Then we saw April with another bunch of people I do not know. Ali and I sat on another table. Ali asked for April to come and join us. April came and she told Ali:"The Aunty there asked me, if she(me) is your wife." Supposedly I punched myself. Actually on my second day I think, a delivery man came to give us stock, then he saw me  and Ali sitting together in the receptionist counter, and ask Ali:" your girlfriend ah?" Girlfriend is enough, summore wife! Eventually its just a misunderstanding and we only took it as something happened. And then the two of them talked about problems in the clinic and such. Attitude about others which I am not here to speak out loud. And I learned that April had did surgery before but now wants to work as a receptionist.

Okay that's basically about Day 4.

Day 6 (Wednesday)

Written on 9 December 2013

Okay la I totally forgot everything.... I'm so bad..... -.-

Day 4

Today I didn't do any notes..... and worst is I forgot most of today by now.

Particularly because there is not much special cases, and a regular flowing of patients.

They told me that yesterday is so damn busy because it's Sunday and they only work for half day. 

Because I am a good volunteer, I will still try to write, though most of the time I spent learning new things and laughing.

So when I walked in the clinic, a dog, which was having trouble labouring ( via first day ), had to remove the blood clot in the stitches, nothing much.

I only saw Atif this morning, then April came and say Ali taking off.

Kumar showed me the bit marks on his wrist, got bitten by a Shi-Tzu yesterday. Then came some dogs having appetite problem, vomiting, diarrhoea, given injection and medicine. 

The hard part is forcing them to eat and swallowing the pills. Some dogs are resistant in having pills. Some fight really hard I almost got bitten too. 

Some cats are also very fierce. There is this one cat, when Kumar gave it food, it doesn't want to eat. Then Dr. Mathews went to check on the cat and give it the can of wet food, the cat ate so happily, so we laugh how the cat reacts differently. When Dr.Mathews left, the cat became resisting again, when doctor come back, the cat eat again. Have to say here too bad the cat still died. 

We also did a spaying of a kitten, did by Dr.Mathews. Faster than Atif last time a lot! Speed and accurate!

Atif did a surgery of removing blood clot in a ear of a dog. When the surgery done it was already 1 to 2 o'clock and some of us haven't eat lunch. 

Actually Ali did came today, while I was sitting at the receptionist, April said she want to go "kacao" Ali. Today has been raining all day, the shops are closed, April and I was very hungry. Not to mention Atif too. So when Ali answered the phone call, April talked to him in this very sweet voice and I cannot stop laughing. Then Ali said that he is now coming to the clinic. April then demanded him to buy kuih for both of us, if not she will not sayang him. She say I love you to him, how sweet hahahahahahahaha. But then when Ali came, there is no kuih. 

A dog came in the clinic and started to vomit immediately, Ali then say he will not stand for 3 days, like the time when he predict the end of the cat. I'm not sure what happened to the dog later. 

Then came in a dog and is suffering so badly, lung and heart failure, it pants and huffs, like cannot get enough of oxygen, it's lungs are swollen so badly. The owner just stood there, we gave the dog drip and such. Then Atif, April, and I were so hungry we decided to call McDonald delivery. Shitty McDonald don't have delivery in this area. So Atif and I went there to order driving his car. Talking about cars, April read the newspapers today and say how she just had a chance to win lottery, using car plates numbers, but failed to win also la. So we bought back food and then the dog is dead. Ali is somewhat relief for an owner to see her dog died and accompanied her to the last minute, this one is affection, the other reason is because they don't have to explain that much anymore. 

The 'star' today is this dog with parvo virus. And then I touched it, so I had to use chlorox to wash my hand. I am not sure of this parvo virus, but they did a parvo test. Haha finally got picture from the internet lol. 

Something like this and then you apply a small specimen of faeces ( got from the anus of dog ) with water, apply on both circles, then the liquid will fuse into the bar and strips will be seen. 

This is probably the end of patients.

Also got who came for vaccination, and a rabbit today! 

Today I learned a variety of surgery tools. I will try to jot down here if not I will forget. Actually even if I forget there is always google (Wikipedia). Hahahaha!!!

Blunt scissors

Artery forceps (clamp blood vessel to stop bleeding)

Sharp scissors

Forceps

Okay I only remembered until here. -.-

Sorry Atif. Tomorrow we continue ah!

Whenever we have free time we just chat and joke around. Feeling so blessed! Everyday!

I told them I won't come tomorrow because I need to go to the Old Folks home. 

I told Ali I going out on a date and he looks like jealous. -.- Just joking.

Madi said if I come then no boring, if I no come then boring. Hahahahahahahahaha so flattered and blessed again!

Maybe I will go tomorrow :)

Actually there are a lot of jokes today just that I cannot remember anything to write in here so.... in my memory and dreams la! Always :)

Ah apparently Atif and Ali both want me as 'girlfriend'. Should I be flattered as well?

Madi said Pakistan guys very like perempuan. So I tolerate ah! Hahahahahahahaha!

Somemore both of then do the lady and tramp thing using McDonald fries with April!

NO kiss ah! Atif and April are already married people.

They just use the mouth to give fries. Hahahahahahahaha...

We bought prosperity burger for Ali, then I choose chicken for him. Turns out he doesn't like chicken. :/ But he said anything I choose he will also like. Hahahahahahaha!!!! 

Then he keep passing the burger and then asking us if we want. April scold him for don't know women, must use more 'romantic' way mah! So he use the Lady and Tramp style. -.-

Okay that's it for today! :D

Black Friday

Today is Black Friday...../.\

I didn't go to the clinic today, because I am having English speaking exams later in the afternoon.

Oh dear, I am really in love with this job.

I am really determined to be a great doctor! It's really a great relief that I didn't faint when I saw blood, though a little shiver, but I am sure I will get through it. I hope I will get through it. 

Wednesday night, when I went to a speaking workshop, and then I found out I have the ability to say random stuff. Like just pictures and I just said everything I can think of. I think this is because I have training in Hin Hua. Hahahahahahaha so proud of myself thanks a lot to Hin Hua. 

Yesterday Kumar asked about my name. Then he said, I think I will call you 'Jasmine', then I really found out that maybe I really need an English name. I don't know. Ali didn't quite approve of the name Jasmine. Then Kumar said there's another girl, Form 5, volunteering in the clinic as well, on weekends. Her name is Vanessa, Kumar said he called her Rose. I think I also won't be going on Saturday and Sunday, because we all need to learn. Though the more the merrier,  but I think more really doesn't mean good. I have the chance to come for 5 days, Vanessa has 2, although I look forward to meet her and be friends, but not now. I hope for the best for the both of us. Good luck to Vanessa! :)

Day 3

Today I went to school in the morning.

After finishing errands, hurried to go to the clinic.

Today there is no surgery.

Only 6-7 patients. 

So we just very free, relaxed and joke.

Hahahahahahahaha laugh die me.

Atif took the day off today.

Tomorrow I won't be coming as well because I got speaking exams.

As for Ali, he will take the day off tomorrow.

The cat who had the wiring surgery, is still alive! When I asked Ali, he had this :/ face and then sighed and shook his head,and said:" Just relaxing." So the cat is still alive and was taken home today. All for the best! 

I showed Ali the poster of our society and I told him I am the president. He said that I am a very impressive girl. I really like that compliment. Thank you. 

Today is just full of laughter. April is this lady in her 40s but to me she is like a mother AND a child. Hahahahaha.... She had most of the colleagues laughing, and I laughed until stomach pain. 

She took the bells of the animal collars and did this panjabi dance, really entertaining. And she tried to recite in some language (Tamil? Hindi?) that made Madi almost had his tea coming out from his nostrils (he said his nose is hot). Madi said that April is a sexy woman, because she is fun to hang around, haha, I really love her. She loved her daughter and said that she herself is much more like a daughter than a mum. Yesterday April's daughter came to the clinic, but I already went home, April said when her daughter came, Ali is very shy. Hahahahahaha!!!

Ali is a really young man, 23, he and Atif came from Pakistan. He is handsome, and likes to joke. He called April "Aunty, Aunty" and then want her to sayang him. Hahahahahahahaha... I dunno this is making me confusing but I heard Madi said Ali is married. To a Malay girl. Then Madi said he doesn't really like Malay girls, because he seen some pregnant at very young age and stuff. Then when Ali came back from April's I asked him if he got children. His eyes wide open, then I said I thought he was married. He asked me who told me he was married. I said Madi, and they say I misunderstood. But I don't even know what is Madi trying to tell me. Then Ali said "No, I am not married." And the suddenly said "Yes, I am married." So now I am really confuse la! -.- I learned that he came to the clinic 5 months ago and is a fast learner. Atif on the other hand, has came for 2 years yet still require hard work. 

As for Madi, he had a family in India. His daughter graduated from university. He showed me pictures. Her name is Nandhini. It's a very pretty name to me.

I showed them pictures of stars taken by a graduate and talk about my society. And then my father is from Hong Kong. I feel happy talking to them.

They are really wonderful people. I feel so blessed. I wish I know how to joke more but I'm not that joking type of person, I only know how to laugh. Haha...

Everyday I just feel so lucky. Gratitude and thankful.

I wish that if in the future there are anytime when we don't have that much customers, I can actually ask them to teach me how to suture! I think it's wonderful! 

I will really do my best! 

Day 2

Second day is as amazing as yesterday.

I tried to do notes only at break, because I cannot take my notebook and pen in every situation, might be disturbing and uncomfortable, but the problem is I have really bad memory. So here again, unable to jot down every situation, following the notes and my own memories, and write a day's work.

I arrived in the morning, only to find out that a cat died during the night, possibly of heart failure. I don't feel sad, it's sudden death, so it's just come and go. And because I have no memory of seeing this cat in diagnosis so possibly it has been sick for a long time. The stray puppy yesterday taken to the clinic by a man also died.

Patient is a beagle (haha, finally got do notes), basically appetite problem.  Wet food by force to the throat and a few pills.

As for the following there are no more in correct order. 

There are dogs infected by skin irritation. I think ticks are really dangerous, like how they just suck off the blood and come in large numbers. But is easy to handle, bug-killers and comb has reduce the risk to half. As for the more serious type, are maggots. They feed on flesh. So this dog with maggot infection is very serious, two very deep holes about the size of a joint of a pinky, the maggots must have been taken out but the wound needs disinfection and is done by applying cream.

A Labrador is sick, possibly of lung failure and gastric, did blood test. Atif taught me how to identify a sickness by smelling. For example, if a dog has bad breath, possibly of gastric, I think is same as humans, when I had gastric, I always burp, letting the gas out. So I think the dog also lets the gas out resulting bad breath. Also they taught me how to see if a dog or cat is dehydrated. You have to pinch and twist the skin gently. If the skin goes back to it's original condition quickly and smoothly, it means the animal is well hydrated. If it takes time to regenerate back, then it is dehydrated. 

Dogs ears are quite sensitive to me. So it's very important to clean them. So there is this furry dog with flappy ears, and they had to clean the ears to prevent itchiness, using cotton and cleaning medicine. Also to prevent the dog from hurting itself by scratching, they also have to cut the nails. But the thing is, animal nails, the base is connected to blood vessels. So if you cut too deep, it will bleed, and the dog will yelp and it must be painful for the dog. And it bleeds quite lot, to stop the bleeding, apply potassium on cotton and dab the wound.

I also saw the spaying of a female cat. Yesterday's a dog. Atif did the surgery. So the cat was still kitten, and aggressive as well, when giving anesthesia she almost went crazy, and she won't sleep, so had to give second jab. The surgery didn't went so smoothly like the dog, because Atif is still learning and has less experience compare to the others. And since the reproductive system of a cat is much smaller than a dog, so also puts up the challenge. Atif took out the intestines on first try, had difficulties locating the uterus. Once located, same procedure as yesterday, tighten blood vessels, remove the organ, suture. Ali was watching, and drew me the anatomy of a cat, simple cartoon form, circle and oval shaped organs, showing me how to locate the uterus. His first drawing is a failure. He drew the heart on the right side, the intestine between the lungs and the bladder in the wrong place. Then he finally give up and said:"okay, this cat dead." And then drew me another one, don't have picture here with me but u can always google. So when the suturing step, the stitches don't look very nice, like uneven and looks like it swollen. Ali said the customer don't care what we did inside, but the outside must be nice, so Atif had to remove the stiches and suture again. The whole surgery was finished in 32 minutes, everyone is happy, Atif is relieved, everyone congratulated him. Then I learned that the ideal time to complete the surgery is actually 15 minutes or below, that is Ali's record. But well done to Atif anyways! 

Another surgery is the wiring of the upper and lower jaw of a cat yesterday, the operation done by Dr. Mathews. He used stainless steel wire instead of nylon thread. The thing to be done is the jaw of the cat separated, so has to use wire to fix them together and let them heal. The whole operation is successful, just blood coming out and I have to resist the painfulness of jabbing wire into the flesh. Overall, its like putting braces. After the surgery, Ali said that he can see that the cat won't last until tomorrow, which means by tomorrow it will die. I am not so sure by myself. 

Another cat came in the morning, light grey and white fur. The owner said it went missing for a few days and when it came home it looks like it's suffering. The doctor say no broken bones, but if it encounter an accident, maybe it's internal damage. Very serious, very dehydrated. Doctor offered the cat to stay in clinic and use drip-feed.

Dr. Mathew also taught me what a microchip is. Basically is a electronic microchip that is injected to an animals body. Something like an IC. For identification. 

A cat came to remove the stiches from post-surgery. Easy job I think for doctor, scissors and done.

There is also this treatment called ear cropping for particular dogs. Like some dogs who are born to have straight facing-front ears, will then flop down due to some reason, then the doctor have to use like planks and such to make the ear straight again. It's for the beauty of the dog. Like if u don't like your curly hair u have to go to salon and make it straight. Another example is docking of tail. I think that is really painful, same like plastic surgery.

A dog, front paw injured by its owners fence. Stiches and disinfection.

The longest surgery did today is the removal of a joint of a dog. When I first saw the dog, left front leg amputated. But then the joint also need to be taken out. Unfortunately I didn't get to see the surgery ongoing. When I came there they were already doing the suture part and there is so MUCH blood. And then I saw the bone of a joint, bloody! Want to keep as souvenir but they throw away already.

So I want to go back to the light grey and white fur cat earlier. Too bad it died in the evening. I was wandering around the room, then I saw the cat lying with his head in a pool of yellow water, urine la, and then the newspaper under it also absorbed yellow urine. I noticed it's chest weren't moving. It's eyes wide open but doesn't blink. So I went to touch the side of the eyes. By touching the side of the eyes and observing if it's blinking u can know whether the animal is alive or dead. No blinking, just died. So I went to tell Atif and Ali, but they had no clue about the cat, because it was only me and Dr Mathew and a nurse in the exam room that time. Atif and Ali went out for lunch. My heart is racing, just by identifying a dead cat. Internal damage. And there was white foam on the mouth too. Then they proceeded to check up on the jaw-broke cat and surprisingly, still alive. At first I also thought its dead, because shaking the cage the cat won't even budge. Then I saw the light breathing, okay la, at least still breathing. Still got hope. 

Today got another pregnant dog coming. Is a poodle. Cure. The owners noticed it's discharged but no babies coming out. They went to see another doctore and the doctor said need to do surgery immediately. They came to us, and by learning she was only pregnent for 1 month and 27/28 days (should be 64days), baby might not be ready to come out yet so need to wait. Ali gave the dog an injection to contract the muscles. After 2 hours, a first baby is born, but died. After 30 minutes, a second baby born, alive and yapping happily. Once the puppy came out from the vulva, the doctors have to tear off a thin membrane around the newborn, giving it oxygen, then had to cut off belly button as well. Kumar said: God is great. The time gap between each baby is long, possible 30 minutes everytime. When the 4th baby comes out, it's already 5 and my mother came to fetch me.

In the process of the birth, a rabbit came. Not only dogs and cats huh? Rabbit got eye allergy, so just give eye drops.

Also a dog, serious injury I think, the liver swollen very badly, yet Dr Mathew is out and the others have no idea what to do, only to wait. And by that time I had to go home, so I didn't get to see any further diagnosis.

That's what happened today. 

Again I have to say how nice the people are. Love everyone. Just how possibly a vet can be so charming. I know to be gentle to animals also lead to be gentle to humans. But human doctors don't really does that, do they? Amazing perfect everyone! 

Everyone likes to joke. Like during surgery, Ali will start joking and the atmosphere is relaxed. And they have seen more dead animals than I do so they must really be positive at all times, so they joke. I really like it when they joke. 

They said that I am a really lucky girl. They say they like my smile and my eyes. Hahaha so flattered. Even some owners saw me and ask what is my purpose and they will wish me luck too! I am getting much more confident in this career. Of course I am not going to stop learning and loosen down. I will do my best. Atif said:"One day, I will be a great doctor." And then he will look at me and say:"After 6,7 years, you will be a great doctor." I really like Atif because he has ambition and eagerness. He said he like me for my courage. 

I still don't get use to the environment, because I am still unsure of what instruments there are. I don't know the things order. I do things in a slow pace because of uncertainty. I hope to change that first. Fast, quick and accurate. Will try to do notes on smartphones. Easier. Haha. Also I thought of learning the stitching/suture process. But I think I still need improvement in other areas than to step up so quickly. I will do it step by step.

I am really grateful. 

My first day as a volunteer

So my mum asked me to write this sort of journal of my first day as a volunteer in an animal clinic.

Actually I agreed as well because I did no record during the whole day, yet if I want to apply to a specific university in the future, I have to. So here goes, and first, I am VERY thankful for Dr. Matthew Thomas for letting me volunteer in his clinic, and his experience for 30 years, I am sure be able to learn a lot. And gratitude for April, Ali, Atif, Kumar, Madi, and some who I haven't known their names (for this I am very sorry), they helped me a lot! Thank you for my mother for recommending this clinic to me. Thanks for April for recommending me another clinic due to my own good but then it didn't work out because there's another volunteer learning there now. Thanks for Yap's Animal Clinic and Surgery because even though there is no space available at the moment, but they suggest me to go next year, so I still have the opportunity to learn more.  I also wished for the very same luck for tomorrow and near future.

So when I first entered the clinic, they showed me around the area, the two rooms for their surgeries, one room for x-ray and grooming, and a small area at the back arranged with cages of different breeds of dogs and cats.

Our first patient is a dog, I don't know it's breed (cons for not recording at present), with appetite problems, vomiting, and diarrhoea. So the doctors there showed me how they open the dog's jaw without getting bitten, and then had to feed him wet food. Then came the medicines, in tablets and with minor force, let the dog swallow the pills. And then some injections and the dog is good enough to rest. I don't remember the order in coming of the patients (cons for not recording #2), so I shall list them for what I remembered.

I saw how they do a blood test. A machine that dilute blood, 3 different strips to check on conditions based on the liver, kidneys, and heart muscles. The dog today has problems with it's liver.

A cat in an accident went for a x-ray check, learning that it's upper and lower jaw had a fracture, due to it's unstable condition (fright and pain), the doctor suggest to do surgery tomorrow morning, called 'wiring'.

The first dog to be put in surgery today, is spaying. To stop it from reproducing. It's a female so the reproductive system inside has to be removed. If it's a male (I asked), then we should remove it's testicle. So first is to give the dog anaesthetic so it feels relaxed and little pain. A machines is connect to it's tongue to measure heart rate and beat. Then an incisor is cut through her belly (sorry no photos), the doctor then has to find it's reproductive system, including the uterus, Fallopian tube, and ovaries, then he will tie the blood vessels (needle and nylon thread, clamps and sutures), and cut of the uterus followed by the ovaries. Finally he will suture the incision, from the flesh, and then from the skin. Lastly is to apply disinfection and cream, so the wound will heal and glues the skin back together. 

Another case is that a pregnant dog, large unknown breed, has problem labor through the vagina, so the doctor has to help her reproduce by c-section (abdomen). The problem is that the uterus are in c-shaped, blocking the pathway through the vagina, so a surgery has to done. The procedure is similar to the one in spaying. So the uterus had to be taken out, which is like half a meter long with little babies inside. Incision the made in the uterus, and puppies are taken one by one. Altogether there are 7 puppies, but unfortunately, only 2 survived. The mother is in good condition.

There are 2 surgery cases which a dog has an ear infection, causing the ear to swell with blood clotting inside. The surgery is simple, incision through the ears, remove the blood clots, and suture the flesh. One is quite challenging, for the blood clots has hardened and it's difficult to remove the clots. When suturing the ear is still a bit swollen, maybe further action is to be done. The other one is less swollen, blood flows out easily.

Another surgery I encountered is simple, plain flesh slit and the bones can be seen. Treatment is to suture the flesh together and done.

Today I have been told to have 6-7 surgeries, I encountered 5 of them. I watched with my eyes but is still not experienced enough to do it with my own hands. I am happy and satisfied.

The followings are normal check-ups.

Such as more in stomach pain, appetite problems, diarrhoea, and vomiting. Puppies for vaccination. Others include fever, ticks and infection. Some are cured by having a shot, some given medicines.

There is this old mother and daughter with their healthily looking dog, to me it's more like obese, to the clinic, for I remembered a little ear cleaning and nails. I am really doubtful by the size of the dog, it's a small breed (same size like corgis) , but weighs 14.5 kg, but the doctor assured there is no serious trouble as the dog is happy-looking and had a great appetite. Some dogs have rash and allergy but is good enough with cream. One had a serious diarrhoea but is immediately put away from the surgery room because it keeps excreting in the room.

A golden retriever puppy, named Mocca, with two Chinese sisters as owners, is a little sick since birth but had a vaccination today. The puppy is extremely cute, with a very healthy golden fur. 

And a cat which is like a replica of Garfield but not really that fat, soft fur and very tamed, so I like her as well. There are also dogs who drip-feed.

Today is a very busy day, patients come and and patients goes. The people there are amused as I am only in secondary school, they thought I am now in college. And I guess they can see that I am really happy in there because opportunities like labor trouble are rare. Dr Matthew said that I am a very lucky girl. I also believe I have beginner's luck.

As for the people there, they are SUPER friendly. I really like them. All of them are black skin, I don't know if all of them are Indians, for some seemed to be from Pakistan, only April is yellowed-skin, a Chinese, but doesn't really know Chinese Language.They gave me a lot of learning opportunities. 

Ali, a young man who keeps calling me by spelling out my name "H-E-I-M-A-N", keeps making jokes and is the man I most interacted with today. He asks me why am I interested in this career. I am actually not sure myself, all I thought was the same as treating a human being, but I find this excuse funny, so I ask him: Why do you choose to be a vet? He laughs and only told me he was not interested in animals but he did not tell me his real motive to be a vet. He makes really funny jokes, I think he is from Pakistan, by hearing their conversation. He does not know Tamil (a little), so he actually one to be those international speakers, like English, Malay, Tamil, Chinese. He learns a little Tamil from his colleagues. Then he offers to teach me a little Tamil and me to teach him simple Chinese in return. 

Atif is also another young doctor, I find his suture skill not as mature as Dr. Matthew. And then he will keeps on saying: One day, I will be a great doctor. That's why I like him, his eagerness to learn. I find him to be a very gentle man.

April is a mum, with a 18 year old daughter studying in pastry art. She has 2 dogs, experienced for many years in this clinic, though I find her more in the reception counter than in surgery room. She took very great care of me and asked me to not touch a virus infected dog (serious case) so I wouldn't be infected and has to use chlorox to clean myself.

The others, I shall call them as nurses, in my memories there are 4 of them. One has an experience of 15 years in this clinic and is a teacher to Atif. We do simple chats and I help them when not in surgery, such as cleaning and counting pills. They have this really sensei vibe, like how they tamed the dogs. Quite strict. For example if a dog keeps barking aggressively, they will yell at the dog, one case I have seen is that he did a 'hand slap gesture' and then the dog will immediately dodge and quiet down, then he will comfort the dog with a pat and some touch, and then examine the dog to see if his wounds are okay and such. 

The condition of the clinic is clean but a little messy, everything is in order, a little cramp but okay to me, and it reeks of dog, but I find it tolerable and it's essential to being a vet. The surgery station is cleaned every time, as well as the floor is mopped and disinfect. We are asked to wear masks and rubber gloves. 

Today is a very reproductive day. I am looking forward to tomorrow.

:)

减肥减肥减肥

今天写帖子就只有一个目的！

我要瘦下来！！！！！！

现在什么都是加4

体重加4公斤

大腿加4英尺

不可以不可以不可以！！！！

增加了4，我就要减少5！！

减肥正式ON！

祝我成功！

害怕

我真的应该好好检讨了。很不喜欢争论这些无谓的乱七八糟事物。

为了下载一个文件也争。

为了一个不亏损的理由也争。

为了证明自己的对和别人的错也争。

为了打一个赌也争。

为了证明自己不蠢也争。

为了修理一台电脑也争。

什么都要争。

对这个世界有种莫名的悲哀，但又不想那么轻易放弃。

一家人开开心心不就好吗？

从一个电脑不能放CD，到开启另一个电脑，到开启一个email，到列印一个文件，到下载一个文件，到电脑的开启，到电脑维修，到学习，到无穷无尽，争论个没完没了。

然后我就会开始埋怨，提出一系列的如果：

如果电脑能放CD，就不会那么多争论。

如果电脑可以开启到快一点，就不会有那么多东西争。

如果我心平气和地和爸爸解释，就不会闹。

如果我知道yahoo mail的下载文件按钮在下面，我就不会被我爸说我蠢，也就不会那么争。

如果我不无理取闹，明明争来争取也睁不出个所以然，就不会那么吃讨苦吃。

所以我现在很懊恼。

我就是不喜欢我爸爸说我蠢。

太伤心了。

真希望明天可以好好的跟他说清楚。

他是否明白说自己的女儿很蠢真的是伤了我。

而我可能真的很蠢，连聪明点都不行。

真的好伤心。

原来这一切的开始就是因为我蠢，我笨。

如果我爸爸有好好想，他是否也会意识到他伤了我呢？

我爸爸说我蠢，所以我就不高兴，然后顶嘴回他说如果我蠢为什么还要帮他处理这些文件。

这些事情明明可以好好说，但是就是要说我笨我不会思考。

然后这些的这些我又不知道要和谁说。

我真的好讨厌。

我整天在家里都笑嘻嘻的，连撞倒了惨叫一声后就会大笑。

如今我也可以如此伤心，是否因为我把伤心和痛的事都累积太久了？

然后我就只会死命怪别人。

明天早上我需要跟他说这一切发生的原因吗？

我真的好害怕。

Helpless

I feel so helpless right now.

Probably because I did nothing worth while during the first week of my holiday.

And then it began to be so frustrating now because there is typically nobody who cares for others at the moment and I feel so alone.

I am really not getting an A in isolation but I really need to work this out. At least a B+, at least I need to have the tolerance to be alone.

What is going wrong with me? I have been so alone for all these time, and I am now whining that I can't even stand being isolated in my comfy room for more than a week!?

People who think they are so smart and putting up crap should be those I am avoiding right now. I mean, how can one girl with a looking-nice piece of comment about me makes me feel so dumb and so vulnerable? Here I am making stupid accusation of myself! Did I do something wrong to you? Why do you have to put up negative things about me? Is that what I am suppose to do? Try to look up to you? You did the same wrong as I did, and nobody put out a shaky finger in your lovely face! And here you are trying to say irrevalent things about me!? Please, I am more comfortable than that guy who wrote even less. Thanks you for your comment, and I am going to take it, treat it as a challenge, and you better suck it up! 

I really need a job so much so I can meet more people outside than these stupid people on the internet with their backstabbing faces.

Randomness

我只觉得说再这样半写半掉的方式实在是无法让我完成一个完整的帖子。-.-

我发现到日本真的是一个好地方。

是不是只要接触到日本的东西就会一只这样说？呵呵....

今天的假期作业又有进步了，至少我审题了哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈我很坏！

今天我看了《境界的彼方》，是一部超好看的动漫！！要看还是经过了一番的折腾啊，pps又不行，风行又不行，最后用youtube都高清了好多倍呢！哼～

《境界的彼方》是很好看，就是喜欢这种校园青春故事集，有种很散漫又刺激的感觉，是我渴望的玫瑰色高中生活！

我还记得那时候我去东京迪士尼乐园虽然是上课日但是当地的学生都穿着校服在乐园里玩乐，然后上班族们都会在午休时去盛开樱花的公园里一起吃便当，是我向往的，充满写意的生活！呵呵.....

其实我现在真的很睏了，只是我发现每天都是写了一大半然后这样储存然后又忘记的持续性写法实在是让我过意不去。唉～而且我发现日本人是吐槽能力的最高境界者噢！吐槽世界向你致敬！

晚上时感触特别深。

我说过我以前都不曾把回忆当成一回事。这是因为孤独的我无法把回忆分享因此选择忘记。其实我不想一个人。只是世界上人太多了。人人都结伴。我认识的这位女孩，已经和孤独结伴了。我以前是一个人过的，现在也是，以后都会是。我认为自己已经十分的幸运，因为虽然我没有煲电话粥的习惯和福气，但至少我有方便联络他人的智能手机 。说到这个女孩，我很喜欢她的蜕变。是个很不真实但又是活生生的例子。但是她的蜕变让她变成只高傲的天鹅，所以我自身对她没什么好感，只是因为她对一些人的苛刻，感情用事也让我看不下。

也有些女孩，隐藏住自己的另一面。

我喜欢这样的人，让我发现一个人如万花筒般，多变但又不失美丽。是敬佩她们吧！

怎么会谈起别人了。不好意思我不对了....

其实这个帖子本身就没有什么重点，只是我找不回以前那个下笔自如的感觉，总觉得是伤心事少了很多。哈哈哈哈.....

18102013

I think I have amnesia.
Now when I look outside, I found out that the rain stopped.
It was just pouring, and then stopped.
Because Jer Vain like rain, I don't want it to stop.
Now back to my amnesia, but now I just remembered something I just forgot.
Hahaha I would really like to write it down but no I want to keep it a secret.
What a fail blog. -.-
Now I have nothing to write and it's halfway through the exams and there is a 2-days rest but I am too lazy to do any revision.
So I might just start the Technology Building preparations. Hmmmm..... :/
Ciao!

The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger

久违的部落格你好。
这几个月都其实有很多事情发生，很多事情想要写下来。
但是不知我是个太懒惰的人，还是并不怎么在乎这些生活中的点点滴滴的人。
我自认我希望的生活可以过得如何平凡便是如何平凡，虽然有时候也闷得慌了。
我不怎么会享受生活，只希望就这样一天过着一天，有点潦倒。
这样也太烂了。
有时候有一些莫名其妙的机缘让我必得回想以前的记忆，
结果想着想着，等到我睁开眼睛，在发现，原来我都忘了。
看来以前的我真的不把回忆当成一回事。

星期五上SPM课的时候我才顿时发现到这么一个帅气的男人。哈哈哈哈哈。
第一次遇到他的时候是那么的严肃那么的凶。
第二次遇到他的时候我是多么希望他可以离开。
地三次遇到他的时候他竟然因为一个夕阳就呵呵开心的笑，被纪鸿说他帅的时候还说话结巴了。
SPM补习也就只有那么一次了，看到他的话也就感谢他在我们班的出现吧！

目前我有两位朋友在迷节奏大师。
那时候我下载并玩了，结果是看不出有什么可以让我迷的。
我是觉得还不错，至少有些歌首是让我迷了。呵呵……^^


我想的是如果我把这首歌介绍给尊仁他应该会喜欢吧。
哈哈，说道尊仁，那时候我还生了一个很大的脾气。问佳瑜和欣意就可以了。
那时候交代他的事情都过了一个星期都没给我回复，
前一天便很严肃的告诉他一定要给我回复，
结果第二天的时候他看到我就这样冒冒失失的说个“没有”就跑掉了。
我顿时傻眼，要笑不笑，然后就很怒很气，又不敢骂人，
只好在一张纸上写‘郑尊仁你这个大笨蛋！’还有无数个的’笨蛋‘，字体潦草，没人看得懂我写什么。
趁他不注意时就放到他的座位上，还看到有盒Pocky式的饼干在他桌面上，很想拿掉，但怕万一是别人的定情信物就不拿了，只好愤愤地把它丢进抽屉。
后来我不想理他，气他，直到生物课时我派测验纸还不放过地瞪了他一眼，他就用那双够力无辜的眼神看着我！！！！太可恶了！！！！ .\   /.
后来问了清楚才发现到他问了，只是答案并不我所愿，也不能怪他。
竟然让我气了个早上！-.-
是本宫任性了。

刚刚电视机有部电影The Monster In Paris刚结束，播的那首歌曲实在好听！^^


后来我发现其中一个歌手是Sean Lennon，好眼熟，维基百科一看，原来是The Beatles团里John Lennon的儿子。然后Sean Lennon有有个交往了快8年的女朋友，就是下面的这位美女：

Charlotte Kemp Muhl

没错她真的很漂亮！:D

她之前是一位著名的模特儿，年纪轻轻13岁就开始如模特行，16岁就登上杂志封面。

她本身也有些音乐才华，后来遇到了Sean Lennon，就一起组成一个团体名为The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger。我觉得他们的歌挺好听的，大爱！♥

I like this sort of Bohemian style, with folk music and the sound of the instruments. Charlotte can play the Bayan. I think it would be a pleasure if I can play this but I have a musical talent of none, but I am not suppose to look down on myself like this am I?

今天就到这里了！我们也都知道我们应该读书了，唉！

Sad stuff

It must be a very bad habit because I only write when I am feeling down now.

So then my blog will be filled with so many fucking negative stuff.

So today after she and I parted, I found out I forgot to take my water bottle and had to get back to class Then I cried while walking, I cried in the car that take me back home, and then I cried in my room and then screaming so crazy with a lot of swearing that the kakak must think that I have gone crazy.

I dunno what the hell just got into me, to think that I am angry just because a tweet that wasn't even posted by me was shown to the whole class.

There is now like so many things to be angry about that I really want to jump down the stairs and roll and go unconscious and the forget that this sort of thing every happened to me.

Is there anyone that can just stand in my place and then just see the things that I can see? 

It's been really long since I cried that hard, even when my mom refuse to stand by my side I just batted my eye and walked away. 

So now there is this girl whom is so dear to me that she is my family and I cannot afford to lose her. And she is the one who makes me feel so sad. Can someone just please tell me what to do? 

It's like now I will have to do the sorry because I behaved badly at her even though everything inside me tell me that this isn't my fault.

受益良多

今天发生了一系列的事情，让我‘受益良多’：

1. 无加糖无加奶的nescafe是超级难喝的

2. 可以让你保持清醒至凌晨3，4点的咖啡是中学时期里最需要的咖啡

3. 上课时一定要专心听课

4. 时间一定要用得充沛

5. 做任何事情都一定要认真

6. 有时后你的一个微笑可以照亮一个人灰暗的一天

7. 时候你的一个微笑可以笼罩一个人明亮的一天

8. 是有底线的，脾气再好的人一旦激怒了是一发不可收拾的

9. 千万不要以为朋友就是会跟你一起笑一起哭的人，能够和你这样做的人最终就只有你自己

10. 所有的人在奋斗的过程中，都是孤独的。

11. 轻轻的拍人家的肩膀，给予支持及鼓励，看到人家流着眼泪说声谢谢，很是心酸。

12. 过于仰慕也不过是苦了自己

13. 虎头蛇尾 是一个完美主义者的原则里必须严禁发生的罪过

14. 千万不要把你应该看好的人丢在一旁

15. 或者说，没有人可以跟着你一辈子，该珍惜的就请珍惜

16. 而不值得你珍惜的人，请不要把他们在你的人生里留下过于深刻的烙印

17. 有些人看似友好，但其实出口伤人时真的是痛如刀割

18. 一直对着别人笑，别人未必会对着你笑

19. 想用笑声来提起气氛，如果时机不对，只会让气氛更加糟糕

20. 如果做错事，就要勇于认错，装傻或不认错只会让自己更鄙视自己

21. 对不起 三个字 是不应该存在于这世界上的

22. 做错事，就算真心悔过，真心道歉，最终还无济于事

23. 如果许多人所抱持的期望就这样毁在你的手里，说对不起还有个屁用吗？

24. 真的说对不起了，就要好好反省，发誓绝对不会有第二次

25. 不要害怕尝试，不要害怕丢脸，只有不敢做才是正真的儒弱

26. 必须明辨事情的重要性

27. 避免把许多事情弄得一团糟

28. 遇到问题请立刻解决

29. 遇到问题是，随机应变才是王道

30. 当一个群组发生混乱时，必保持冷静，思路清晰，解决方案即明瞭

31. 原本是你负责的东西，就一定要负责到底

32. 从来都不会有把自己责任转交给其他人这回事

33. 可以在紧要关头想到解决方案的人，不管方法是多么的愚蠢，请给他们掌声

34. 做任何事情都要讲究实际，不符合逻辑的想法，最好不要去想，除非你真的有这个能力，否则一切也只不过是纸上谈兵

35. 如果没有办法了，就只有等待明天

36. 明天 带来的是一些问题的结束和一些问题的开始、

37. 可以让问题的开始减少，问题的结束增加的人，是个成功的人

38. 请原谅那些打他们电话几十通却都不接的人

39. 当你做错事，感觉好像会很多人责怪你

40. 当别人做错时，你却没有责怪他的意思

41. 说明一切只不过是你的胡思乱想

42. 做错事情，简单说明，快速解决，就不会有人责怪你了

43. 请快乐地过自己的生活

44. 或许没有人可以像自己一样把自己的生活过得多姿多彩

A few words

*Post written yesterday but posted today*

Alright, it's been quite long since I updated.

Nothing has happened, because I never thought of it as anything.

So today we had a sex education lecture, I really don't have any opinions about it, because most of the time I was observing the reaction of other people. Like how their pupil dilated, or their hand gestures and trying to figure out how are they feeling. Because most of the lecture is about love chemistry and dates, so if I found someone who once had a past, it's easier to guess. In the end, I just found it amusing and that's all.

You can't said that I didn't realize anything. Throughout the whole lecture, I found that it will be really hard to get into a relationship. And there are some really dark secrets inside me that I wanted to forget, to throw away my past. 

Love is something so abstract, it makes you happy, it makes you sad, it makes you feel angry, it makes you feel vulnerable, it makes you feel helpless. I have heard a friend who says she doesn't really thought of falling in love and getting married in the future, just alone, quiet, peaceful, and happy. I wonder how does she feel now after hearing this lecture? Does being alone really bring you happiness, only oneself can tell. But I can't, because I have been alone enough.

What is love? The only thing I know now about love in my narrow mind and disgusting thoughts is that 'making love' means having sex. I suppose that just speaks it all out.

I find some people who are unable to conquer obstacles. I believe that when one is in a battle, one shall be alone to fight it. Nobody to encourage you, nobody to help you, nobody to aid you. Just yourself, alone, in the battlefield, and when it finally ended, everybody shall praise you for your success but never witness your course and be able comfort your wounds. You fight alone. Like any of the famous people in the world, whether from the east or the west, whether he/she was a politician, a scientist, a patriot, once they fell into a deep abyss, they had to climb up alone, with everything they can cling to and to hope. 

I know this sounds pessimistic, but it's really true. So please don't fear failure, it makes you stronger. You might find it easier to get away because there is someone there to comfort you, you stabbed your own heart with a dagger, yet put the weapon stained with your blood into his hands. Nobody's fault to be exact, but while you are running away and crying to your friends, what is he going to do when there is noone to help him pull out the dagger from his hands and defend him?  

I am going to talk about him again. And because of fucking lame privacy again, I will name him him again. The him which I can change anytime I want, the him when after a few years and I read this back, I will forget who him actually is. Even if he can make me the happiest person in the world, I swear that we will never get anywhere near to being lovers. There are no reasons, just me doubting and denying to love. I have to stop being so immature and make a safe distance between the both of us. I swear to God that I will never hurt him, and he will have no seconds thoughts and believes that we are just friends. Our friendship shall be as clear as crystal, and none of our friends will question our current relationship as friends.

It might be like hell. But I have went through different hells. It shall only be another obstacle for me to get through. 

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I have to keep reminding myself to remember that I having nothing to hold anymore, that I have to restrict myself and never play this game of love. 

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much. 

But I am sure in the end, it will turn out good for the both of us.

Escalating

Well, that escalated quickly.
said by my relationship between me and him.
It's been how long now? 2 weeks?
We argued like mad for one day, and we were in cold war for 2 weeks.
And I was so desperate to be nice to him again, but it seems like he didn't want to.
So now,after  reading my previous post, I just find him as another history of mine.
Even though I really felt guilty and helpless and sad, but now I think I just have to forget this incident. As if nothing ever happened.
I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot afford to hurt anyone anymore, that I cannot make one's dream disappear anymore. And I cannot make anyone feel unsatisfied anymore.

我不会尝试去改变你，虽然你的习惯我看不惯，但是我怕万一有一天你真的变了，变成了我所期望的样子，我会怀念以前的你。

love

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

-Clarity

2 Questions for 2 guys who sort of made my life miserable yet happy. 

For the first question it's for Teh Chi En, because EVERYTHING between us is a tragedy, and then it was only because of him that I finally become the girl that got away. And he is the boy who murdered love. Everything between us is so less, so meaningless.

For the second question it's for a boy, due to even fucking lame privacy, I don't want to say his name, let's just name him 'him'. He is the boy who made love. He made me insane, wanting to love more. And I always thought that I was so strong, and always had an advantage over other people, but not him. He made me feel vulnerable, like if even a day he'd stopped loving, I will crumble to dust, and drown in epilepsy. That's why I need him so badly, he is my clarity.

I fear that I have made a sin so bad that even god can't forgive me and Satan will embrace me. If he left me, I will just find another one similar to him, or even better. This is the only way when I know that I actually had an advantage, and not only being so weak, begging him to not leave me. And that is why I refuse to put down a name for the second guy because I know that I can change it whenever I want.

My perspective of love has changed so much. For three years I struggle like mad, and now is another episode and the past was a stage.

I can be Satan's angel.