If you look closely enough, you can see that my wish-list is still empty ever since the first day i created that little space. I was actually going to write a "New Year's resolution" post but then it's already late-March because I procrastinated. Not really in the mood of writing as there are not much stories happening.
It's the mid-sem break and finally I can put aside all of my studies. Not. Basically the moment the break ends, you get bombarded by tons of lab quiz, tests and semester tests. So much for "breaks". The holidays actually starts on Good Friday, but I've been starting my break since last Monday, because I don't need to attend 2 out of 4 labs, which puts me into a holiday mood. Not doing revisions and sleeping the whole afternoon.
I went to my first clubbing last Thursday. Seen my snaps and you know I'm crazy. Not as crazy as the people here though. I had fun overall. I really like dancing in the club hahahahahahahahahaha (so unbashful.) There's a lot of laughing and crazy stunts. Wondering when will be my next clubbing? Probably end of the semester.
For now, I got a 28.5/30 in my Chemistry semester test. And I got full marks for all of my laboratory quizzes and tests and skills, which are included in the marking system. So I'm really feeling great! I probably told this to like tons of people close to me but I just wanna write it down to keep on motivating myself.
As for exercise, been running for probably 3 times a week, 2 km each. The thing is non-stop, which is a great accomplishment! Before that I only run about 1km and walk the other 1km. So happy I succeeded. I'm actually thinking of running two rounds around campus in the future, but now I'm gonna take it slowly.
I have also been searching for flats to rent for next semester. It's actually quite cheaper to live outside campus, I found pretty good deals living outside and asked Irene to stay outside with me. But just yesterday, she told me that she might live in campus the following semester and only move out next year. That's not good because 2 people living in a room is actually much more cheaper than living alone, and I searched for single rooms and did the calculations but they are no where cheaper than living in campus. Also, semester tests usually take place during the night, where we end at about 8:30p.m., and the thought of taking the bus alone home does not amuse me. I might discuss with my parents and see how it goes.
Troye Sivan's music is really nice!
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Fuck my life.
Today is nothing but a mere shitty story, no thoughts no ideas, just another shitty day.
Today is Crazy Sports Day, and I have no clue what "sports" they are playing but I'm sure it's going to be fun. This morning, our hall people are rehearsing our chant on the field, and I have to say it's really cool and full of heat! And after our hall chant, all of them just got ready to leave to the arena.
Except me.
And a couple of others.
Why am I not going?
Because I have to study. Let's just clarify, that the only reason I ever got here, is to pass the pre-vet elimination and get into my dream course. But who doesn't love some team spirit and this is like one of those chance to get along with everybody else. And I blew it away. I blew fucking everything away.
And I'm desperate, I'm even considering going counselling.
I was there, on the field, learning the chant and the moves, getting into the mood and hype. I don't know if the crazy sport is compulsory, but the RAs knocked on everybody's door and asked them out. But I didn't saw some of my friends, they were not there. And I'm beyond scared, cause I have no one I know were there. So I called them, and some were in the library, some in their rooms. And I asked them to come down and join, maybe go to the crazy sports.
And they said no. Because they want to study. Because it's the semester test next week.
And I know, that I shouldn't be going. Because I need to study as well. Am I behind? Yes damn fucking shit I'm fucking behind every shit. I don't wanna be behind. Even if I'm not behind, I'm gonna overtake all those shit people.
I need to go in. I'm not gonna waste another year of time and money to retake the course. I'm not.
So it's shit. It's a shit day.
So I decided, that now, if I'm gonna give up all of my social life and new friends, I better study fucking hard and get into this fucking course. Fucking course the only thing I hated about it is that it just took away all of my life. Fucking shit people asked you to relax and have a fun uni, no, don't fucking relax, because people are going to overtake you and you are going to lose.
If you are gonna win this battle, you better be well prepared to lose it all.
Fuck my life.
Today is Crazy Sports Day, and I have no clue what "sports" they are playing but I'm sure it's going to be fun. This morning, our hall people are rehearsing our chant on the field, and I have to say it's really cool and full of heat! And after our hall chant, all of them just got ready to leave to the arena.
Except me.
And a couple of others.
Why am I not going?
Because I have to study. Let's just clarify, that the only reason I ever got here, is to pass the pre-vet elimination and get into my dream course. But who doesn't love some team spirit and this is like one of those chance to get along with everybody else. And I blew it away. I blew fucking everything away.
And I'm desperate, I'm even considering going counselling.
I was there, on the field, learning the chant and the moves, getting into the mood and hype. I don't know if the crazy sport is compulsory, but the RAs knocked on everybody's door and asked them out. But I didn't saw some of my friends, they were not there. And I'm beyond scared, cause I have no one I know were there. So I called them, and some were in the library, some in their rooms. And I asked them to come down and join, maybe go to the crazy sports.
And they said no. Because they want to study. Because it's the semester test next week.
And I know, that I shouldn't be going. Because I need to study as well. Am I behind? Yes damn fucking shit I'm fucking behind every shit. I don't wanna be behind. Even if I'm not behind, I'm gonna overtake all those shit people.
I need to go in. I'm not gonna waste another year of time and money to retake the course. I'm not.
So it's shit. It's a shit day.
So I decided, that now, if I'm gonna give up all of my social life and new friends, I better study fucking hard and get into this fucking course. Fucking course the only thing I hated about it is that it just took away all of my life. Fucking shit people asked you to relax and have a fun uni, no, don't fucking relax, because people are going to overtake you and you are going to lose.
If you are gonna win this battle, you better be well prepared to lose it all.
Fuck my life.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
A month in Palmy
Yes, I'm still alive and kicking.
So it's been a month now (actually just 3 more days to a month), staying in Palmerston North, living in my empty, never-ever-this-tidy room, studying everyday and preparing for my classes and labs. To be honest, I have never been this happy to finally leave home (country) and exploring new places. People complimented me, even people in here and told me that I'm very brave to go to a country so far away from home at this age, but I just thought it's normal. I know a lot of my friends are going to Melbourne, Taiwan, USA, hence my case is just nothing.
Palmerston North is too much of a peaceful and quiet place that sometimes it just feels boring (even compared to Malaysia!). But I got a completely new lifestyle and I'm really loving it! The air is very clean and refreshing every single day, and I'm feeling healthier as I have to keep walking back and forth around campus. The buses are free so I don't have to pay for transportation. There are a lot of supermarkets (Just like Giant over there) that sell really really really cheap stuff. I can go to the toilet every single day, and my skin just transformed into this velvety smooth that I never had before! (Just realised it yesterday.) I start to take olive oil and DHA omega-3 supplements every morning, and chocolate drinks every night.
Two days ago, I had my first breakdown. I cried talking to one of my closest friends, and telling them I'm not making any good friends and that I'm anti-social. I can't find a common ground with people and none of them felt sincere towards me. The worst thing is, I can't even find common ground with people I loved back in Malaysia. I'm jealous, of course I am, to see people planning on going out together, to play, to eat happily with each other, and I'm stuck here. There's a day where I can't even go to the funeral of my teacher, and that night I'm just trying to get it off my head, and that's when all of these emotions starts to pile up.
Making new friends in a new place is difficult, you don't have the same classes so you can't stick together everyday. People come and go in university, every meeting is fated. Mostly they just last for that one hour of lecture. Then there are also the cool kids where you feel intimidated to join them but you know you are not like them and it will never be a match. And you feel unwanted when you had two people by your side at first and then suddenly it's just them two.
I can be paranoia but I know, if I'm still going to be in the silent not doing anything, I might lose everything. That's why I tried to contact my friends as frequent as possible, to let them not push me so far behind their heads, and to let them know I really miss them and love them. But I never got to anywhere far because I'm always busy studying, getting meals, going to classes. And I'm angry at myself when I can't continue a conversation any further when it's time for me to sleep, to study. And the breakdown finally occurred to me that I'm not prepared at all to lose everyone.
I told what I'm going through to my friend that night, and he said I'm being stupid to think that friendships can be so fragile. He told me that even when people don't contact for a long period, they will never forget you. How can I be so selfish? To think that friendships are just paper, easily torn, easily crushed, I guess I've always been like this. Things like this always happen, we were once closest friends, and now we are just strangers that nods and smile to each other. Once realising how much pain it is to always lose the bond once people are separated, I've never take friendships too seriously. Occasionally I do, but then at night I will always tell myself to be prepared for it, to be not sad when the day finally comes, which is best if it never does. But then of course the day comes, it happens eventually. And on that parting day, I never bothered to cry, because all those nights telling myself to be prepared finally paid off.
So on that night I found myself losing everything and not gaining anything, I cried listening and singing to sad songs about parting and losing (Yeah, so me.) I decided to listen to my friend's voice messages, and truly he always comes up with great advice. I should never tried to hard to humour people, to try so hard to push myself into their lives. Instead, I should be improving myself, to make myself a better person, and then I will have people coming to me to know me, to make friends with me. So this, is what I'm aiming to be, a better person than yesterday. People in Palmy are very very friendly and passionate, it's just that people come and go to easily I never know who can stay long enough for me to finally make a bond. So it's up to me.
There was a point where I started swearing for a short period of time because it finally caught some people's attention (People swear here a lot!). But I hated myself for swearing. I remembered when my friend Mike told me to not swear because it just impolite and leaves a bad impression to people. Of course then I swear occasionally but sometimes never, and not in front of people or only with people that is really close to me. But that day when I start swearing I felt a certain accomplishment as people were amused by my swearing. (Now, I just feel embarrassed.) So once my friend advised me not to humour people, I decided to stop swearing again, and to be myself. Because people are never alone I guess, it's up to us to decide. And yesterday, surprise, someone came to my room to talk to me and we studied together. She's a lovely girl too, and she is also the one whom I confessed to about my anti-social behaviour. And she say she is willing to put me into one of her special places. Thanks to her I'm really feeling better.
As for people that has ever walked into my life and painted a colourful picture on my canvas, I truly appreciate you guys, and I know that even if miles part us apart, and social media never get to make up the emptiness as time passed by, you will all still have a special place in my heart, and it's never wavered and never forgotten. I'm sorry that at some point I thought that friendships are just fragile creatures and never told you guys before. Now I did and may have hurt you but it's a childish past. I'm going to love you guys more than ever, because I always love myself for loving people! It gives me a sense of appreciation and loyalty, and I love this me. To love and to be loved.
So it's been a month now (actually just 3 more days to a month), staying in Palmerston North, living in my empty, never-ever-this-tidy room, studying everyday and preparing for my classes and labs. To be honest, I have never been this happy to finally leave home (country) and exploring new places. People complimented me, even people in here and told me that I'm very brave to go to a country so far away from home at this age, but I just thought it's normal. I know a lot of my friends are going to Melbourne, Taiwan, USA, hence my case is just nothing.
Palmerston North is too much of a peaceful and quiet place that sometimes it just feels boring (even compared to Malaysia!). But I got a completely new lifestyle and I'm really loving it! The air is very clean and refreshing every single day, and I'm feeling healthier as I have to keep walking back and forth around campus. The buses are free so I don't have to pay for transportation. There are a lot of supermarkets (Just like Giant over there) that sell really really really cheap stuff. I can go to the toilet every single day, and my skin just transformed into this velvety smooth that I never had before! (Just realised it yesterday.) I start to take olive oil and DHA omega-3 supplements every morning, and chocolate drinks every night.
Two days ago, I had my first breakdown. I cried talking to one of my closest friends, and telling them I'm not making any good friends and that I'm anti-social. I can't find a common ground with people and none of them felt sincere towards me. The worst thing is, I can't even find common ground with people I loved back in Malaysia. I'm jealous, of course I am, to see people planning on going out together, to play, to eat happily with each other, and I'm stuck here. There's a day where I can't even go to the funeral of my teacher, and that night I'm just trying to get it off my head, and that's when all of these emotions starts to pile up.
Making new friends in a new place is difficult, you don't have the same classes so you can't stick together everyday. People come and go in university, every meeting is fated. Mostly they just last for that one hour of lecture. Then there are also the cool kids where you feel intimidated to join them but you know you are not like them and it will never be a match. And you feel unwanted when you had two people by your side at first and then suddenly it's just them two.
I can be paranoia but I know, if I'm still going to be in the silent not doing anything, I might lose everything. That's why I tried to contact my friends as frequent as possible, to let them not push me so far behind their heads, and to let them know I really miss them and love them. But I never got to anywhere far because I'm always busy studying, getting meals, going to classes. And I'm angry at myself when I can't continue a conversation any further when it's time for me to sleep, to study. And the breakdown finally occurred to me that I'm not prepared at all to lose everyone.
I told what I'm going through to my friend that night, and he said I'm being stupid to think that friendships can be so fragile. He told me that even when people don't contact for a long period, they will never forget you. How can I be so selfish? To think that friendships are just paper, easily torn, easily crushed, I guess I've always been like this. Things like this always happen, we were once closest friends, and now we are just strangers that nods and smile to each other. Once realising how much pain it is to always lose the bond once people are separated, I've never take friendships too seriously. Occasionally I do, but then at night I will always tell myself to be prepared for it, to be not sad when the day finally comes, which is best if it never does. But then of course the day comes, it happens eventually. And on that parting day, I never bothered to cry, because all those nights telling myself to be prepared finally paid off.
So on that night I found myself losing everything and not gaining anything, I cried listening and singing to sad songs about parting and losing (Yeah, so me.) I decided to listen to my friend's voice messages, and truly he always comes up with great advice. I should never tried to hard to humour people, to try so hard to push myself into their lives. Instead, I should be improving myself, to make myself a better person, and then I will have people coming to me to know me, to make friends with me. So this, is what I'm aiming to be, a better person than yesterday. People in Palmy are very very friendly and passionate, it's just that people come and go to easily I never know who can stay long enough for me to finally make a bond. So it's up to me.
There was a point where I started swearing for a short period of time because it finally caught some people's attention (People swear here a lot!). But I hated myself for swearing. I remembered when my friend Mike told me to not swear because it just impolite and leaves a bad impression to people. Of course then I swear occasionally but sometimes never, and not in front of people or only with people that is really close to me. But that day when I start swearing I felt a certain accomplishment as people were amused by my swearing. (Now, I just feel embarrassed.) So once my friend advised me not to humour people, I decided to stop swearing again, and to be myself. Because people are never alone I guess, it's up to us to decide. And yesterday, surprise, someone came to my room to talk to me and we studied together. She's a lovely girl too, and she is also the one whom I confessed to about my anti-social behaviour. And she say she is willing to put me into one of her special places. Thanks to her I'm really feeling better.
As for people that has ever walked into my life and painted a colourful picture on my canvas, I truly appreciate you guys, and I know that even if miles part us apart, and social media never get to make up the emptiness as time passed by, you will all still have a special place in my heart, and it's never wavered and never forgotten. I'm sorry that at some point I thought that friendships are just fragile creatures and never told you guys before. Now I did and may have hurt you but it's a childish past. I'm going to love you guys more than ever, because I always love myself for loving people! It gives me a sense of appreciation and loyalty, and I love this me. To love and to be loved.
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