So I suppose most of my friends know that I'm in a relationship. His name is Kenneth, I (Everyone too) call him Kenny and occasionally Handsome. It's not just about how happy I am with him and every detail between us, but more about how being in this relationship has changed me and my way into falling in love.
Being in a relationship actually scares me, because I know myself, being the obsessive, dominant, stubborn partner. Always want to be with him, always want him to think more about me, always expecting him to surprise me or even express his love to me. I used to think that, if I'm going to find someone to be with, then he must tolerate all my wrong doings, always put me in the first place. Hold my hands when we are walking together, share me his food, constantly think about me and the list goes on and on. If he cannot do that, then it's going to be a miserable relationship, that's how arrogant I am.
I remembered the time I got really upset and angry at Kenny, it was the night I'm going to have my physics tests. We finished dinner, and I wanted him to walk me to my exam hall. But eventually he didn't. After the test, I walked back to the hall, wanting to see him, but he was out in town with friends having Carl's Junior. And when he got back, I told him how upset I am, and I feel that I'm nothing to him and not important at all.
"Can you please not say that anymore?" He said that, quite annoyed "I don't want to be like those people that are always together every second and neglect my friends and got distracted on my studies. You can't always put a relationship as first priority, you need to give priority to other things as well." He left, and I couldn't sleep. The next morning I told Irene about it, and I probably realised if this keeps going on, then I am going to lose this relationship and it's not going to work out. A lot of phrases came out on social media, like they were trying to tell me something, like they were meant for me. (But I suppose it's something to do with Big Data).
“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
It's not about changing him anymore, it's about changing me. Of course it came out unexpected, honestly. I started to force myself to not think too much about him, not to care and not to expect anymore. It's true, everyone told me not to expect, even Irene, as the chance of being disappointed more is much higher. The real motive is actually because I'm upset at him and decided to not pour my every heart and soul. I'm actually trying the cold shoulder, cold treatment method. But then this lifestyle starts to seep in, and it changed everything. I find myself more comfortable when I don't think about him every two seconds. I only see him every morning and every night. I reduced the time meeting him to 10-60 minutes every day. Whenever I have free time, I study and not went out to find him.
That's when I started to enjoy this relationship. I love and treasure the time spent with him, but I also treasure the time when I'm with my friends and also when I'm alone in my room, planning my next day and studies. After dinner, I will part with him and we will be doing our own business. He will go to the computer lab to write his reports and prepare presentations, and I will be in my room, doing pre-lab questions and revisions. It usually takes three hours, and when the clock struck 10 p.m., both of us will be done studying (as nothing can go into our brains anymore). Then we will be in his/my room, talking about our day until bedtime.
The transformation since then has only been one week, but rather than hating it, I embraced it.
Last weekend, I looked around my room: the stereo that plays the radio channel he likes, the mini heater that he brought all the way from home, the bobby pins he brought back and the disbelief when I told him I lost almost three-quarter the amount he brought back from home.
I wrote down love advice I gave to myself:
"Try to look from his perspective. Stop being clingy and needy. You're not going to die without him around you for a couple hours. Look around your room, look what he has given to you. He gave you a lot, and the last thing you can do it to not distract him from his studies and make him feel bad. He needs to study and so do you, so you need to understand why he doesn't look for you 24/7. He's worried about you not getting into pre-selection."
I tried to recall the messages he told me:
"As long as he gets to see the person he cares about every morning and night, he will be happy the whole day."
"You are important."
Either I wasn't aware about it at the beginning, but he was turning more and more like a sweetheart. Today he was going to town and he messaged me if I wanted to buy anything, which I totally did not expect. That was a miracle enough, and I am so grateful. It rained today and his car's battery went flat. He can't bike so he can only take the bus. And just half an hour ago I saw three notebooks that I asked him to buy earlier on my desk and a note from him.
It was all those little things that matter and blossomed into a strong relationship. Now thinking, if I was ever this grateful in my past relationship, maybe nothing will change in the past. How ironic it is, that in my previous relationship, we can always see each other for 5 days every week, even after school, we will chat online until night. Yet, at that time, I always feel neglected and not enough. The relationship wasn't that horrible, but enough to let one lose all hope and feel miserable (I truly regret it.) But now, I only get to see Kenny every morning for 10-15 minutes, and then we will be busy going to lectures and labs, and university is so big we almost never meet each other on campus. Later at night we will only have 30 minutes to an hour to talk after our studies. Having dinner together is also a rare occasion because he usually have labs until 6:30p.m. However, I feel perfectly fine, I don't feel upset that I didn't get to see him and cling to him, and I don't get mad when he left without me to do his own business. I was happy with my results and enjoy studying, I enjoy being together with my friends, and even feeling serene when I was in my room alone or during lectures.
Again I wasn't sure but I felt that Kenny himself has become more affectionate than before. There was also a time when I was upset because he doesn't like holding hands when we are walking together in campus. He told me that he didn't like it, and I decided that I should cope with it, even though, honestly at first, I was really sad about it. Well, I force to tell myself, it's just holding hands, no big deal. And as time progresses, just tonight, he gave me a hug after dinner before going to the library to meet his presentation partners, in front of our friends, and that is so much more better than holding hands. And so much more unexpected.
Surprisingly, I start to give again. It's not that I never give, it's that I'm willing to give. More and more and more. Hugs and kisses every day, helping him to collect his bed sheets and making his bed, washing his mug and bowl when he left it on his desk, hurrying to a lecture, taking a cup of water for him during dinner.... And I love every single second of it. I don't feel that imbalance I had in the past anymore, where I always think that I gave more but received less. That's one of the reasons why I got mad at Kenneth last week, because of that feeling of being used. Of course, now that I think about it, I just laughed at myself for being paranoia and thinking too much.
I might be getting proud, but yes, I truly believe that this relationship has changed the both of us. And it is a good change. Yes, this relationship may not be the one that I dreamt of. It doesn't have affectionate gestures and thoughtful thinking. It's not a prince on his white horse, giving you everything he has. It's going to be simple and serene. Who is it to decide that you got the perfect relationship? It's you, yourself, or even the both of you. As long as you enjoy it, you treasure it, and you are grateful about it, it's going to work out. Dreams don't choose you, you choose the dreams.
I wish that everyone will have a good day, everyday!
