*Post written yesterday but posted today*
Alright, it's been quite long since I updated.
Nothing has happened, because I never thought of it as anything.
So today we had a sex education lecture, I really don't have any
opinions about it, because most of the time I was observing the reaction of other
people. Like how their pupil dilated, or their hand gestures and trying to
figure out how are they feeling. Because most of the lecture is about love
chemistry and dates, so if I found someone who once had a past, it's easier to
guess. In the end, I just found it amusing and that's all.
You can't said that I didn't realize anything. Throughout the
whole lecture, I found that it will be really hard to get into a relationship.
And there are some really dark secrets inside me that I wanted to forget, to
throw away my past.
Love is something so abstract, it makes you happy, it makes you
sad, it makes you feel angry, it makes you feel vulnerable, it makes you feel
helpless. I have heard a friend who says she doesn't really thought of falling
in love and getting married in the future, just alone, quiet, peaceful, and
happy. I wonder how does she feel now after hearing this lecture? Does being
alone really bring you happiness, only oneself can tell. But I can't, because I
have been alone enough.
What is love? The only thing I know now about love in my narrow
mind and disgusting thoughts is that 'making love' means having sex. I suppose
that just speaks it all out.
I find some people who are unable to conquer obstacles. I believe
that when one is in a battle, one shall be alone to fight it. Nobody to
encourage you, nobody to help you, nobody to aid you. Just yourself, alone, in
the battlefield, and when it finally ended, everybody shall praise you for your
success but never witness your course and be able comfort your wounds. You
fight alone. Like any of the famous people in the world, whether from the east
or the west, whether he/she was a politician, a scientist, a patriot, once they
fell into a deep abyss, they had to climb up alone, with everything they can
cling to and to hope.
I know this sounds pessimistic, but it's really true. So please
don't fear failure, it makes you stronger. You might find it easier to get away
because there is someone there to comfort you, you stabbed your own heart with
a dagger, yet put the weapon stained with your blood into his hands. Nobody's
fault to be exact, but while you are running away and crying to your friends,
what is he going to do when there is noone to help him pull out the dagger from
his hands and defend him?
I am going to talk about him again. And because of fucking lame
privacy again, I will name him him again. The him which I can change anytime I
want, the him when after a few years and I read this back, I will forget who
him actually is. Even if he can make me the happiest person in the world, I
swear that we will never get anywhere near to being lovers. There are no
reasons, just me doubting and denying to love. I have to stop being so immature
and make a safe distance between the both of us. I swear to God that I will
never hurt him, and he will have no seconds thoughts and believes that we are
just friends. Our friendship shall be as clear as crystal, and none of our
friends will question our current relationship as friends.
It might be like hell. But I have went through different hells. It
shall only be another obstacle for me to get through.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I have to keep reminding myself to remember that I having nothing
to hold anymore, that I have to restrict myself and never play this game of
love.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much.
But I am sure in the end, it will turn out good for the both of
us.
