Blame

I like blaming people. Who doesn't? And people like to blame me.
And then I know that, I cannot have this kind of attitude.
This is so wrong. I am so wrong.
Sometimes, living in this family of mine, just made me the worst kind of person I can ever become. I get mad easily. I have no patience. I get jealous, I get sad and I cry and sobbed like there is no tomorrow.
It makes me feel useless, worthless. It makes me feel that I failed them.

Like today I told about my parents that I called an agent. And the agent said that I need to send in my forecast results to the university so for them to consider a place for me. And I told them that my grades in the forecast is not good.

This is where the blaming starts.

I said that people in my school are too brilliant, which is why competition is high and I can't reach my 18 points. And the exam is too hard. And my father said that there is no difference whether I'm taking the forecast or UEC. The fact is I can't get good grades. I told him this is not fair, how I am suppose to compete. It's all is the gradient chart, they gather everyone's grades and compare to which is the passing line. And my dad say

If you are able to get 100 in your exams, you won't even need to worry about the passing line.

Now that I have think it through by writing here, he is right. If I get 100, why do I need to care? I'm already A. But at that time, that moment when he said that, I felt heavier than ever before. Like I let them down, the expectations are high, and nobody cares about how I felt. It's really awful. And I have no one to tell, because all I know, is that they will call me stupid and not think about it, because they don't want to think how to console me as well.

After lunch, my dad asked if I needed a car, to drive to the clinic. And I say I can walk there, of course as expected, no one allows. So I need a car. My father say he is gonna buy a manual one for me, and my mum got angry, because she doesn't want me to drive a manual car. My father once said that I'm a scaredy cat because I don't dare to drive a car, even after I got my license. And my mother then asked him, why don't I drive his car, he immediately object because his car is from the company and he cannot let me drive it. So why don't I drive my mum's car? No, because her car is too big and I should start with a small one instead. So I can't drive a car, because I don't dare to drive one, or they don't dare to let me drive one?

Anyway I got mad with my mother and she got mad with me. And when we reached home she let me drive. And I drive and it was not as chaotic as the first time, but all I know is when I finally reach my limit I might just burst into tears. My confidence must have dropped to absolute zero, not now but any time soon. The moment my confidence lost is the moment when we all die in a car crash.

All I know is that until that I wrote until here, I just want to say I am sorry.
Because that's all I need to say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being rude, sorry for not giving my all, sorry for being such a bitch.

I really really really want to be good. I want to be liked want to be loved. I don't mean perfect. I mean, to be really happy with my life.

Let me just remorse myself in here and I hope that I can get the volunteer job I wanted and get to enter the university I wanted as well. Please.

Pessimist

I often feel abandon I think. I mean, people seem to treat me like I'm someone who is 'disposable'. This is a very negative feeling, but sometimes I can't help myself. If I be the enthusiastic one, people don't acknowledge at all. If I be the calm one, people will think that I'm boring. If I be the crazy one, people avoid me. If I be the passive one, people ignore me. There is no real me, because no matter who I become no one will notice me, which is why I always try to be perfect. I yearn to be perfect. Because I'm that self-centered girl who cannot live with a friend. Yet I have none. This is so unfair, because I have all of these people around me who cares(?) about me. This is so unfair to the people around me. What is my problem, actually? Am I too bossy, am I too passive? Am I too conserve? Am I too open? Am I too enthusiastic? Am I too loud? Am I not 'play' enough?

When I think it thoroughly, I found myself unable to find a university straight away, I'm going to have to have a gap year, but not in any other place, but in here. Goddamnit, I hate this place. I hate the people here, I hate the cars and the air here. I hate the garbage I see on the roadside. I hate all those working foreigners with their large staring eyes. I hate imagining myself driving on the roads in this stupid country. I want to leave this place, even if it's a gap year. Then I thought of Hong Kong, my second home, and damn, that place is even worse than here. All the news about beating travelers because they refuse to buy things. Those shitty attitude I witness myself in that place, as much it's actually much cleaner and has great underground transport, the culture and people there totally is the worst. 

I want to leave here. Because I have no one here. People know me and people avoid me. People don't want to talk to me here, because they don't like my personality. So I want to leave here, and so I can forge another me. I can be a new me, I can meet new people, learn their expectations and transform myself into, well, myself. I can forge a new self. 

What is the thing that my friend told me?

为自己而活 才会活得没有怨言

凡是要是想别人感激 这是奢侈多余

真性情的人 才不会炫耀 所以没有自卑

Ah, what wisdom that is. I suppose I still have a long way to learn. And I'm so sorry that I expected.