Empathy.

Empathy. Vulnerability. Shame. Courage. Authenticity. 

These above are the things I am going to work it through about. 

What are the definitions of these. Why are they so vivid. Why do people want to know. 

I hope that you won't mind me, my frail heart to overwhelm such vast knowledge as an ambition. Thank you. 

I hope that you won't get angry with me for asking your shame just to train my empathy. But empathy is a natural gift. I don't have the natural gift. I want to make my own gift, just like I used to make gifts for you.

Please share your shame with me so we can go through this together. 

And I would mind to share mine with you. 

你认为我们可以在一起吗？

“你们认为我们可以在一起吗？”
女孩看着同桌的同学脱口而出。
“可以啊！”大家或许纷纷赞同，或许只是不感兴趣地敷衍。
女孩转向身边的男孩
“你呢？你认为我们可以在一起吗？”
“……”男孩不语。

不能。
打从一开始我就已经决定只做你的朋友。
没错，身为你的朋友，我当然喜欢你。
喜欢和你分享，喜欢和你聊天。
或许我曾幻想，我承认，和你在一起或许可以很快乐。
但是我后来发现到，我真真不了解你。
那些八卦的，最终只能当个笑话。
我不能理解你的心情，你也或许不感兴趣来告诉我。
我则没有任何理由来说服你告诉我吧。
你是理性的，你是不带感情，心情的。
但是我怀疑着。
难道这就是你的逃避？
我一直盼望自己可以有雪亮的眼睛，像我以前都有的雪亮的眼睛那样，看透这世界所有的半透明人。
可是我自己都已经快变得不透明了，眼睛也都不再雪亮了。
请原谅我无法了解你的心底。
若再慢慢琢磨下去或许我们两人都会受伤。
曾经因为另一个玩笑而是友谊稍微破碎这件事，
我希望不会发生，我认为关键在于我吧？
因为我相信你不怎么会在意，
那我在意也只是搞砸罢了。
我希望你也相信我不会在意，然后我们可以继续我们这般这般的友谊。

Serena

Okay, referring to the previous post of "serenity".
When i was young i have hoped for a name like "Serenity" which means peacefulness and calm. Although it is a eligible name, but after searching through google, I prefer Serena much better. So now I'm gonna change Melanie to Serena? Although the reason I like Melanie is because of the singer Melanie Martinez. Whatsoever its just a name, no matter what, it's just a person in this wide vast world.
I must have found out that my English is sucking so badly now I cannot think of any good phrases and my first essay to Mr.Richard is a piece of shit. I hate the essay i wrote. I need improvement.
I've been listening to Hebe's "insignificance", it's truly a wonderful song, with drips of poetic potions.

"Under one small star" -- Wislawa Szymborska
My apologies to chance for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.
Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.
May my dead be patient with the way my memories fade.
My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.
My apologies to past loves for thinking that the latest is the first.
Forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.
Forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.
I apologize for my record of minuets to those who cry from the depths.
I apologize to those who wait in railway stations for being asleep today at five a.m.
Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing from time to time.
Pardon me, deserts, that I don't rush to you bearing a spoonful of water.
And you, falcon, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage,
your gaze always fixed on the same point in space,
forgive me, even if it turns out you were stuffed.
My apologies to the felled tree for the table's four legs.
My apologies to great questions for small answers.
Truth, please don't pay me much attention.
Dignity, please be magnanimous.
Bear with me, O mystery of existence, as I pluck the occasional thread from your train.
Soul, don't take offense that I've only got you now and then.
My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere at once.
My apologies to everyone that I can't be each woman and each man.
I know I won't be justified as long as I live,
since I myself stand in my own way.
Don't bear me ill will, speech, that I borrow weighty words,
then labor heavily so that they may seem light.

I need this in my life. It's a very intriguing piece.
I love it.

Dear serenity

I find the word 'serenity' very beautiful. Very intriguing and classy. Like it's made out of love and romance. Delicate and fragile. When I first recognize this vocab I was mesmerized, probably hoping it to be my nickname. But I probably didn't check up the dictionary and then confused it with 'sorority'. 

'Serenity' indeed deserves it's name. Calm, peaceful, quiet. It's everything I want to be. Free from depression, free from anxiety.

My dear friend from the clinic, Ali, told me that he loves me. He loves me very much. He wants me. He wants me to be with him. He then proceeds to ask me what are my feelings? Angry? Confused? Happy? Joy?

And I replied him. I have no feeling. I feel nothing. He then diagnosised me and said that he will treat me.

He said that love is important to him. I want to tell him that love is nothing to me. I have no heart. As much as I have that much affection for animals I have lost all desire for human feelings. Love is something I cannot earn for now. Success is, and that is what I want in life. I want to go to a university that I am worth for, to have a career as a veterinary, to work in safaris to work in zoos as better as working in a clinic. I want to have money, to fulfill every of my wishes and hopes. 

Ali, to me, is a very dangerous man. He is  threatening me. When I rejects his love, he went so crazy he said he wants to die. He is a crazy man in love. I cannot talk him into some sense. That night when he said that he wants to die is unforgettable. I called him countless times and it went straight to the voicemail. I waited and waited the whole night. My heart racing fast and I send him unlimited messages to beg him not to die. At that time I am really depressed, it's not because I have feelings for him, it's because I don't want any deaths. Simple as that.

At the morning 6am I called him one more time. And he answered. I then proceed to moan and ask him if he is okay. Then everything was calm and I finally can go to sleep.

When I woke up, I came to realization that there were no tears during the whole incident. My face is very dry. Even the moan I made is so fake I could laugh about it. 

And then I vowed if in any time Ali says of hurting himself again. I will break every connection we have before. This is thoroughly insane. 

He still says that he loves me but I let it pass away. I need to tell him to give me some space but I am actually afraid he would hurt himself. He is indeed a crazy man. How many crazy people have I met in my 16-years of life? 

I have no heart. I guess that is why I feel so calm so peaceful at some times. Serenity. 

What is the difference between a broken heart and a broken bottle? A broken bottle hurts you in the flesh. A broken heart sends you to hell. Not specific differences. When one has a broken heart, there are two choices to be made. One is to mend it, sew it, glue it. And the other is to throw the pieces away. I chose the latter. 

A broken heart is indeed saddening. Emotional piece of shit. 

Day 6 to Day 9

So here I am trying to make up my losses and stuff. In these four days, I will try to write down everything new I have learned.

Actually, animals have cancer too. There was a day when I saw Ali doing surgery, and he removed something that looks like a stone. I was meaning to ask later, but then blood suddenly spurt out so high, and then his shirt got dirty. And then my mother came to pick me home. So at night I smsed Ali and asked him. He said they are removing the "growth", in medical term it's called "lymphoma", basically it would spread in the body and cause cancer. And then the next day, another dog came in the surgery room, and there are 2 very large swollen bulb (size approximately 3 fists?) in her belly, and a small one. So Ali spend 4 hours doing the surgery, actually removing is wasn't quite challenging, if lucky, all you need is a scissor, but the hard part is suturing. Because the veins have been cut off, blood keeps coming out, so Ali had to suture the veins, and then suture the other stuffs, but no matter how much he suture, blood still keeps coming out, so he had to remove all the stitches he did on the muscles and skin, and proceed to suture the unfound veins. Okay in the end, he is so tired, he had to ask Murugen to help him suture. 

Maggots are such horrifying creatures. There is a puppy who has maggots in her  vulva. And there is a dog who has maggots in his testicles. Okay conclusion is, please keep your pets clean.

Eventually, that's it.... I guess.... If there are more to come I will fill in later.

So, a little stuff about things going in the clinic. Ali said that he likes me very much. But he wants me to take my time, until I graduated from uni and we shall see maybe.......? This is very surprising to me, I still cannot fully digest it. Slowly then.....

Madi is now my "father", and April is now my "mother".... Happy hahahahahaha....

There was a time, when Ali said he tell me a secret. So I waited until less patients and asked him to tell me. But then he said:" six months later I will tell you." I cannot possibly wait for that long, so I asked and asked and he refused and refused. Until I have no clue what to do I turned to April and said :"Ali 欺负我!"April led out an angry scream and proceed to take the cutter in her desk and point to Ali, who has no idea of what I have said. "What!? Ali-qi-fu-wo? What does it mean!?" In the end I still didn't get his secret but whatever.

And everyday I want to say I am very blessed to volunteer in this clinic. I have learned a lot and will proceed learning. Thanks and appreciate for everybody and everything I have encountered. 

Day 9

Okay soooo....

9th of December is the ninth day I went to clinic.... Actually that's only a really short while.

Actually I have no more to share because the patients come and go and it has become a daily basis, so nothing new to record. Most of the symptoms are the same and the surgeries don't differ too much.

There are actually a lot of things happening, it's just that everyday day seems like an hour.

The only thing that I would like to keep on taking is the people there, the funny things I have encountered and daily stuff.

For now i shall stop here. Goodbye and goodnight!

Day 5 & 6

Okay first of all I want to apologize for not continuing my journal in daily basis. I find it to be troublesome actually, and I always forget the details. Even if I do remember there is always laziness. I will try to make up to it today. 

Day 5 (Tuesday)

Day 4 is quite normal in my opinion, Atif took the day off. It was a very normal day. Normal patients, spaying surgery. Also, Ali advice me to record the process of a surgery so I can watch it anytime I want. But I didn't, because it's too gross to put it in my phone, other reason is I think is inapropriate. Ali taught me about suture. Basically there are two types of thread when suture. One is absorbable thread, other is nylon thread. The former is used when stitching the tissues and muscles, one day they will dissolve, no need to take out. As for nylon thread is used on the skin. So when the skin recovered, we will have to remove the stiches. 

I did make paper notes.

Mostly is about disease, like we humans, animals have to do vaccination and deworm, when younger, and then a yearly basis. So the vaccination we took is to prevent hepatitis, HIV and stuff. For animals there are hepatitis, influenza and some I haven't known yet. 

There are dogs here who have very serious virus infection, one is parvo that I'd mention before, the other example is distemper. I haven't learn the symptoms yet. But what I know is, a parvo test is done by specimens through the faeces, as for a distemper test, it's done by getting specimens from eyes and nose. 

Today I also learned about 'animic' which means lack of blood. And also dystocia, means difficulty in parturation.

That day there is an Indian family bringing a stray puppy to the clinic. No serious injury, just a few stiches when the father said:"put it to sleep." Then Ali took a pink liquid and jab it to the puppy's heart. Then the puppy died. 

Okay I admit I cried. April was at the same room with us checking the shelves. And she said she cannot bear to see it. Her back facing us. After the dog was sent out I started to feel so sad, and Madi saw me cry and said sorry to me.

Okay the sad part over we say the happy part, which is before the puppy gets put to sleep.

It was already 2 and I still haven't had lunch. April was already out. So I asked Ali if he had lunch. He said am I asking him out. Supposedly I punched him. But after a few moments we then went out to a restaurant near by. Then we saw April with another bunch of people I do not know. Ali and I sat on another table. Ali asked for April to come and join us. April came and she told Ali:"The Aunty there asked me, if she(me) is your wife." Supposedly I punched myself. Actually on my second day I think, a delivery man came to give us stock, then he saw me  and Ali sitting together in the receptionist counter, and ask Ali:" your girlfriend ah?" Girlfriend is enough, summore wife! Eventually its just a misunderstanding and we only took it as something happened. And then the two of them talked about problems in the clinic and such. Attitude about others which I am not here to speak out loud. And I learned that April had did surgery before but now wants to work as a receptionist.

Okay that's basically about Day 4.

Day 6 (Wednesday)

Written on 9 December 2013

Okay la I totally forgot everything.... I'm so bad..... -.-