'Serenity' indeed deserves it's name. Calm, peaceful, quiet. It's everything I want to be. Free from depression, free from anxiety.
My dear friend from the clinic, Ali, told me that he loves me. He loves me very much. He wants me. He wants me to be with him. He then proceeds to ask me what are my feelings? Angry? Confused? Happy? Joy?
And I replied him. I have no feeling. I feel nothing. He then diagnosised me and said that he will treat me.
He said that love is important to him. I want to tell him that love is nothing to me. I have no heart. As much as I have that much affection for animals I have lost all desire for human feelings. Love is something I cannot earn for now. Success is, and that is what I want in life. I want to go to a university that I am worth for, to have a career as a veterinary, to work in safaris to work in zoos as better as working in a clinic. I want to have money, to fulfill every of my wishes and hopes.
Ali, to me, is a very dangerous man. He is threatening me. When I rejects his love, he went so crazy he said he wants to die. He is a crazy man in love. I cannot talk him into some sense. That night when he said that he wants to die is unforgettable. I called him countless times and it went straight to the voicemail. I waited and waited the whole night. My heart racing fast and I send him unlimited messages to beg him not to die. At that time I am really depressed, it's not because I have feelings for him, it's because I don't want any deaths. Simple as that.
At the morning 6am I called him one more time. And he answered. I then proceed to moan and ask him if he is okay. Then everything was calm and I finally can go to sleep.
When I woke up, I came to realization that there were no tears during the whole incident. My face is very dry. Even the moan I made is so fake I could laugh about it.
And then I vowed if in any time Ali says of hurting himself again. I will break every connection we have before. This is thoroughly insane.
He still says that he loves me but I let it pass away. I need to tell him to give me some space but I am actually afraid he would hurt himself. He is indeed a crazy man. How many crazy people have I met in my 16-years of life?
I have no heart. I guess that is why I feel so calm so peaceful at some times. Serenity.
What is the difference between a broken heart and a broken bottle? A broken bottle hurts you in the flesh. A broken heart sends you to hell. Not specific differences. When one has a broken heart, there are two choices to be made. One is to mend it, sew it, glue it. And the other is to throw the pieces away. I chose the latter.
A broken heart is indeed saddening. Emotional piece of shit.
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