If I follow the 72 rule, will I lose?
Should I give it a go?
If it doesn't happen, what should I do?
Should I be giving up hope then?
Should I just end this?
Oh... The last day will be Friday
So it won't be 72 hours.
That is actually the most reassuring thing I have ever encountered today.
That's a very good news. And very pathetic
Okay then, just follow the rules then, you won't lose.
Hopefully.
I have lost the last intact part of me,
physically, not physically
But it is still there
And I am keeping it with me,
as long as I can keep
as long as I am unwilling to give
It will be staying with me
As long as I want it to be
This is the last thing that is still intact in me
It's the last thing that is perfect in me
And I am not,
I am not giving it to anyone
Until I say so.
Until you make an effort.
You see,
I am the most typical girl
I am normal I think normal
I want what every girl can possibly want
Instant replies when I text
Instant pick up when I call
Food when I have cravings
Holding hands when I am with you
Kissing you when I feel like it
Asking about me
Caring about me
Talking about me
Talking to me
Saying "I love you" first
Saying "I miss you" when you miss me
Expressing feelings
Noticing me
Observe me
Understand me
Know me
Making cute promises
No, I don't need dates
No, I don't need movie nights
No, I don't need a night out
I don't need expensive pandora rings
I don't need money between us
I just need, the most fundamental thing, that is love
And that is the only thing I can't have.
Heck I don't even think you remember our anniversary
There won't be an anniversary
There won't be Valentines
There won't be birthdays
This is how much I know you,
This is how much I know us
I know too much
And I hate it when I know too much.
The thing is
It's me that cause all of these.
It's true
Girls should never make the first step
It is stupid for a girl to boldly find love
It is horrendously stupid and idiotic
I am the one that approach you
I am the one that talks to you
Eventually you accepted it
And you accept it fully
But you never need to make an effort
You never need to find a reason
You get everything you want.
The thing is,
when you earned something you really want
You will try your best to never let it go
And that's what I am doing
I try hard and hard and hard to keep you
Because you are what I earned
I earned this love
I earned this relationship
Your everything means everything to me
I cannot make you angry
I cannot make you upset
I cannot because it means I will lose you
And I cannot afford to lose you
Because you are what I earned
And you
You don't make an effort
Because you never earned me
Because I came to you
You automatically have me
I am not what you earned
You won't need to make an effort to keep me
Is doesn't matter if you lose me
You can just find someone else
And you still don't need to make an effort
I regret
I regret so much
For always always always being the person that makes an effort
That is why you do nothing
Because it doesn't matter if you lose me.
So the thing is
I still have this last thing in me
And I am keeping it
Until you make an effort.
You are not getting anything from me.
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Thursday, May 5, 2016
My changing perspective towards a relationship
Today I talked to Irene and it has made me want to write it down here as well. The semester tests are finally over and I can have a good break today, so I might as well take some time to sit here alone and think about stuffs and feelings.
So I suppose most of my friends know that I'm in a relationship. His name is Kenneth, I (Everyone too) call him Kenny and occasionally Handsome. It's not just about how happy I am with him and every detail between us, but more about how being in this relationship has changed me and my way into falling in love.
Being in a relationship actually scares me, because I know myself, being the obsessive, dominant, stubborn partner. Always want to be with him, always want him to think more about me, always expecting him to surprise me or even express his love to me. I used to think that, if I'm going to find someone to be with, then he must tolerate all my wrong doings, always put me in the first place. Hold my hands when we are walking together, share me his food, constantly think about me and the list goes on and on. If he cannot do that, then it's going to be a miserable relationship, that's how arrogant I am.
I remembered the time I got really upset and angry at Kenny, it was the night I'm going to have my physics tests. We finished dinner, and I wanted him to walk me to my exam hall. But eventually he didn't. After the test, I walked back to the hall, wanting to see him, but he was out in town with friends having Carl's Junior. And when he got back, I told him how upset I am, and I feel that I'm nothing to him and not important at all.
"Can you please not say that anymore?" He said that, quite annoyed "I don't want to be like those people that are always together every second and neglect my friends and got distracted on my studies. You can't always put a relationship as first priority, you need to give priority to other things as well." He left, and I couldn't sleep. The next morning I told Irene about it, and I probably realised if this keeps going on, then I am going to lose this relationship and it's not going to work out. A lot of phrases came out on social media, like they were trying to tell me something, like they were meant for me. (But I suppose it's something to do with Big Data).
Surprisingly, I start to give again. It's not that I never give, it's that I'm willing to give. More and more and more. Hugs and kisses every day, helping him to collect his bed sheets and making his bed, washing his mug and bowl when he left it on his desk, hurrying to a lecture, taking a cup of water for him during dinner.... And I love every single second of it. I don't feel that imbalance I had in the past anymore, where I always think that I gave more but received less. That's one of the reasons why I got mad at Kenneth last week, because of that feeling of being used. Of course, now that I think about it, I just laughed at myself for being paranoia and thinking too much.
So I suppose most of my friends know that I'm in a relationship. His name is Kenneth, I (Everyone too) call him Kenny and occasionally Handsome. It's not just about how happy I am with him and every detail between us, but more about how being in this relationship has changed me and my way into falling in love.
Being in a relationship actually scares me, because I know myself, being the obsessive, dominant, stubborn partner. Always want to be with him, always want him to think more about me, always expecting him to surprise me or even express his love to me. I used to think that, if I'm going to find someone to be with, then he must tolerate all my wrong doings, always put me in the first place. Hold my hands when we are walking together, share me his food, constantly think about me and the list goes on and on. If he cannot do that, then it's going to be a miserable relationship, that's how arrogant I am.
I remembered the time I got really upset and angry at Kenny, it was the night I'm going to have my physics tests. We finished dinner, and I wanted him to walk me to my exam hall. But eventually he didn't. After the test, I walked back to the hall, wanting to see him, but he was out in town with friends having Carl's Junior. And when he got back, I told him how upset I am, and I feel that I'm nothing to him and not important at all.
"Can you please not say that anymore?" He said that, quite annoyed "I don't want to be like those people that are always together every second and neglect my friends and got distracted on my studies. You can't always put a relationship as first priority, you need to give priority to other things as well." He left, and I couldn't sleep. The next morning I told Irene about it, and I probably realised if this keeps going on, then I am going to lose this relationship and it's not going to work out. A lot of phrases came out on social media, like they were trying to tell me something, like they were meant for me. (But I suppose it's something to do with Big Data).
“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
It's not about changing him anymore, it's about changing me. Of course it came out unexpected, honestly. I started to force myself to not think too much about him, not to care and not to expect anymore. It's true, everyone told me not to expect, even Irene, as the chance of being disappointed more is much higher. The real motive is actually because I'm upset at him and decided to not pour my every heart and soul. I'm actually trying the cold shoulder, cold treatment method. But then this lifestyle starts to seep in, and it changed everything. I find myself more comfortable when I don't think about him every two seconds. I only see him every morning and every night. I reduced the time meeting him to 10-60 minutes every day. Whenever I have free time, I study and not went out to find him.
That's when I started to enjoy this relationship. I love and treasure the time spent with him, but I also treasure the time when I'm with my friends and also when I'm alone in my room, planning my next day and studies. After dinner, I will part with him and we will be doing our own business. He will go to the computer lab to write his reports and prepare presentations, and I will be in my room, doing pre-lab questions and revisions. It usually takes three hours, and when the clock struck 10 p.m., both of us will be done studying (as nothing can go into our brains anymore). Then we will be in his/my room, talking about our day until bedtime.
The transformation since then has only been one week, but rather than hating it, I embraced it.
Last weekend, I looked around my room: the stereo that plays the radio channel he likes, the mini heater that he brought all the way from home, the bobby pins he brought back and the disbelief when I told him I lost almost three-quarter the amount he brought back from home.
I wrote down love advice I gave to myself:
"Try to look from his perspective. Stop being clingy and needy. You're not going to die without him around you for a couple hours. Look around your room, look what he has given to you. He gave you a lot, and the last thing you can do it to not distract him from his studies and make him feel bad. He needs to study and so do you, so you need to understand why he doesn't look for you 24/7. He's worried about you not getting into pre-selection."
I tried to recall the messages he told me:
"As long as he gets to see the person he cares about every morning and night, he will be happy the whole day."
"You are important."
Either I wasn't aware about it at the beginning, but he was turning more and more like a sweetheart. Today he was going to town and he messaged me if I wanted to buy anything, which I totally did not expect. That was a miracle enough, and I am so grateful. It rained today and his car's battery went flat. He can't bike so he can only take the bus. And just half an hour ago I saw three notebooks that I asked him to buy earlier on my desk and a note from him.
It was all those little things that matter and blossomed into a strong relationship. Now thinking, if I was ever this grateful in my past relationship, maybe nothing will change in the past. How ironic it is, that in my previous relationship, we can always see each other for 5 days every week, even after school, we will chat online until night. Yet, at that time, I always feel neglected and not enough. The relationship wasn't that horrible, but enough to let one lose all hope and feel miserable (I truly regret it.) But now, I only get to see Kenny every morning for 10-15 minutes, and then we will be busy going to lectures and labs, and university is so big we almost never meet each other on campus. Later at night we will only have 30 minutes to an hour to talk after our studies. Having dinner together is also a rare occasion because he usually have labs until 6:30p.m. However, I feel perfectly fine, I don't feel upset that I didn't get to see him and cling to him, and I don't get mad when he left without me to do his own business. I was happy with my results and enjoy studying, I enjoy being together with my friends, and even feeling serene when I was in my room alone or during lectures.
Again I wasn't sure but I felt that Kenny himself has become more affectionate than before. There was also a time when I was upset because he doesn't like holding hands when we are walking together in campus. He told me that he didn't like it, and I decided that I should cope with it, even though, honestly at first, I was really sad about it. Well, I force to tell myself, it's just holding hands, no big deal. And as time progresses, just tonight, he gave me a hug after dinner before going to the library to meet his presentation partners, in front of our friends, and that is so much more better than holding hands. And so much more unexpected.
Surprisingly, I start to give again. It's not that I never give, it's that I'm willing to give. More and more and more. Hugs and kisses every day, helping him to collect his bed sheets and making his bed, washing his mug and bowl when he left it on his desk, hurrying to a lecture, taking a cup of water for him during dinner.... And I love every single second of it. I don't feel that imbalance I had in the past anymore, where I always think that I gave more but received less. That's one of the reasons why I got mad at Kenneth last week, because of that feeling of being used. Of course, now that I think about it, I just laughed at myself for being paranoia and thinking too much.
I might be getting proud, but yes, I truly believe that this relationship has changed the both of us. And it is a good change. Yes, this relationship may not be the one that I dreamt of. It doesn't have affectionate gestures and thoughtful thinking. It's not a prince on his white horse, giving you everything he has. It's going to be simple and serene. Who is it to decide that you got the perfect relationship? It's you, yourself, or even the both of you. As long as you enjoy it, you treasure it, and you are grateful about it, it's going to work out. Dreams don't choose you, you choose the dreams.
I wish that everyone will have a good day, everyday!
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Mid-semester Break
If you look closely enough, you can see that my wish-list is still empty ever since the first day i created that little space. I was actually going to write a "New Year's resolution" post but then it's already late-March because I procrastinated. Not really in the mood of writing as there are not much stories happening.
It's the mid-sem break and finally I can put aside all of my studies. Not. Basically the moment the break ends, you get bombarded by tons of lab quiz, tests and semester tests. So much for "breaks". The holidays actually starts on Good Friday, but I've been starting my break since last Monday, because I don't need to attend 2 out of 4 labs, which puts me into a holiday mood. Not doing revisions and sleeping the whole afternoon.
I went to my first clubbing last Thursday. Seen my snaps and you know I'm crazy. Not as crazy as the people here though. I had fun overall. I really like dancing in the club hahahahahahahahahaha (so unbashful.) There's a lot of laughing and crazy stunts. Wondering when will be my next clubbing? Probably end of the semester.
For now, I got a 28.5/30 in my Chemistry semester test. And I got full marks for all of my laboratory quizzes and tests and skills, which are included in the marking system. So I'm really feeling great! I probably told this to like tons of people close to me but I just wanna write it down to keep on motivating myself.
As for exercise, been running for probably 3 times a week, 2 km each. The thing is non-stop, which is a great accomplishment! Before that I only run about 1km and walk the other 1km. So happy I succeeded. I'm actually thinking of running two rounds around campus in the future, but now I'm gonna take it slowly.
I have also been searching for flats to rent for next semester. It's actually quite cheaper to live outside campus, I found pretty good deals living outside and asked Irene to stay outside with me. But just yesterday, she told me that she might live in campus the following semester and only move out next year. That's not good because 2 people living in a room is actually much more cheaper than living alone, and I searched for single rooms and did the calculations but they are no where cheaper than living in campus. Also, semester tests usually take place during the night, where we end at about 8:30p.m., and the thought of taking the bus alone home does not amuse me. I might discuss with my parents and see how it goes.
Troye Sivan's music is really nice!
It's the mid-sem break and finally I can put aside all of my studies. Not. Basically the moment the break ends, you get bombarded by tons of lab quiz, tests and semester tests. So much for "breaks". The holidays actually starts on Good Friday, but I've been starting my break since last Monday, because I don't need to attend 2 out of 4 labs, which puts me into a holiday mood. Not doing revisions and sleeping the whole afternoon.
I went to my first clubbing last Thursday. Seen my snaps and you know I'm crazy. Not as crazy as the people here though. I had fun overall. I really like dancing in the club hahahahahahahahahaha (so unbashful.) There's a lot of laughing and crazy stunts. Wondering when will be my next clubbing? Probably end of the semester.
For now, I got a 28.5/30 in my Chemistry semester test. And I got full marks for all of my laboratory quizzes and tests and skills, which are included in the marking system. So I'm really feeling great! I probably told this to like tons of people close to me but I just wanna write it down to keep on motivating myself.
As for exercise, been running for probably 3 times a week, 2 km each. The thing is non-stop, which is a great accomplishment! Before that I only run about 1km and walk the other 1km. So happy I succeeded. I'm actually thinking of running two rounds around campus in the future, but now I'm gonna take it slowly.
I have also been searching for flats to rent for next semester. It's actually quite cheaper to live outside campus, I found pretty good deals living outside and asked Irene to stay outside with me. But just yesterday, she told me that she might live in campus the following semester and only move out next year. That's not good because 2 people living in a room is actually much more cheaper than living alone, and I searched for single rooms and did the calculations but they are no where cheaper than living in campus. Also, semester tests usually take place during the night, where we end at about 8:30p.m., and the thought of taking the bus alone home does not amuse me. I might discuss with my parents and see how it goes.
Troye Sivan's music is really nice!
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Fuck my life.
Today is nothing but a mere shitty story, no thoughts no ideas, just another shitty day.
Today is Crazy Sports Day, and I have no clue what "sports" they are playing but I'm sure it's going to be fun. This morning, our hall people are rehearsing our chant on the field, and I have to say it's really cool and full of heat! And after our hall chant, all of them just got ready to leave to the arena.
Except me.
And a couple of others.
Why am I not going?
Because I have to study. Let's just clarify, that the only reason I ever got here, is to pass the pre-vet elimination and get into my dream course. But who doesn't love some team spirit and this is like one of those chance to get along with everybody else. And I blew it away. I blew fucking everything away.
And I'm desperate, I'm even considering going counselling.
I was there, on the field, learning the chant and the moves, getting into the mood and hype. I don't know if the crazy sport is compulsory, but the RAs knocked on everybody's door and asked them out. But I didn't saw some of my friends, they were not there. And I'm beyond scared, cause I have no one I know were there. So I called them, and some were in the library, some in their rooms. And I asked them to come down and join, maybe go to the crazy sports.
And they said no. Because they want to study. Because it's the semester test next week.
And I know, that I shouldn't be going. Because I need to study as well. Am I behind? Yes damn fucking shit I'm fucking behind every shit. I don't wanna be behind. Even if I'm not behind, I'm gonna overtake all those shit people.
I need to go in. I'm not gonna waste another year of time and money to retake the course. I'm not.
So it's shit. It's a shit day.
So I decided, that now, if I'm gonna give up all of my social life and new friends, I better study fucking hard and get into this fucking course. Fucking course the only thing I hated about it is that it just took away all of my life. Fucking shit people asked you to relax and have a fun uni, no, don't fucking relax, because people are going to overtake you and you are going to lose.
If you are gonna win this battle, you better be well prepared to lose it all.
Fuck my life.
Today is Crazy Sports Day, and I have no clue what "sports" they are playing but I'm sure it's going to be fun. This morning, our hall people are rehearsing our chant on the field, and I have to say it's really cool and full of heat! And after our hall chant, all of them just got ready to leave to the arena.
Except me.
And a couple of others.
Why am I not going?
Because I have to study. Let's just clarify, that the only reason I ever got here, is to pass the pre-vet elimination and get into my dream course. But who doesn't love some team spirit and this is like one of those chance to get along with everybody else. And I blew it away. I blew fucking everything away.
And I'm desperate, I'm even considering going counselling.
I was there, on the field, learning the chant and the moves, getting into the mood and hype. I don't know if the crazy sport is compulsory, but the RAs knocked on everybody's door and asked them out. But I didn't saw some of my friends, they were not there. And I'm beyond scared, cause I have no one I know were there. So I called them, and some were in the library, some in their rooms. And I asked them to come down and join, maybe go to the crazy sports.
And they said no. Because they want to study. Because it's the semester test next week.
And I know, that I shouldn't be going. Because I need to study as well. Am I behind? Yes damn fucking shit I'm fucking behind every shit. I don't wanna be behind. Even if I'm not behind, I'm gonna overtake all those shit people.
I need to go in. I'm not gonna waste another year of time and money to retake the course. I'm not.
So it's shit. It's a shit day.
So I decided, that now, if I'm gonna give up all of my social life and new friends, I better study fucking hard and get into this fucking course. Fucking course the only thing I hated about it is that it just took away all of my life. Fucking shit people asked you to relax and have a fun uni, no, don't fucking relax, because people are going to overtake you and you are going to lose.
If you are gonna win this battle, you better be well prepared to lose it all.
Fuck my life.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
A month in Palmy
Yes, I'm still alive and kicking.
So it's been a month now (actually just 3 more days to a month), staying in Palmerston North, living in my empty, never-ever-this-tidy room, studying everyday and preparing for my classes and labs. To be honest, I have never been this happy to finally leave home (country) and exploring new places. People complimented me, even people in here and told me that I'm very brave to go to a country so far away from home at this age, but I just thought it's normal. I know a lot of my friends are going to Melbourne, Taiwan, USA, hence my case is just nothing.
Palmerston North is too much of a peaceful and quiet place that sometimes it just feels boring (even compared to Malaysia!). But I got a completely new lifestyle and I'm really loving it! The air is very clean and refreshing every single day, and I'm feeling healthier as I have to keep walking back and forth around campus. The buses are free so I don't have to pay for transportation. There are a lot of supermarkets (Just like Giant over there) that sell really really really cheap stuff. I can go to the toilet every single day, and my skin just transformed into this velvety smooth that I never had before! (Just realised it yesterday.) I start to take olive oil and DHA omega-3 supplements every morning, and chocolate drinks every night.
Two days ago, I had my first breakdown. I cried talking to one of my closest friends, and telling them I'm not making any good friends and that I'm anti-social. I can't find a common ground with people and none of them felt sincere towards me. The worst thing is, I can't even find common ground with people I loved back in Malaysia. I'm jealous, of course I am, to see people planning on going out together, to play, to eat happily with each other, and I'm stuck here. There's a day where I can't even go to the funeral of my teacher, and that night I'm just trying to get it off my head, and that's when all of these emotions starts to pile up.
Making new friends in a new place is difficult, you don't have the same classes so you can't stick together everyday. People come and go in university, every meeting is fated. Mostly they just last for that one hour of lecture. Then there are also the cool kids where you feel intimidated to join them but you know you are not like them and it will never be a match. And you feel unwanted when you had two people by your side at first and then suddenly it's just them two.
I can be paranoia but I know, if I'm still going to be in the silent not doing anything, I might lose everything. That's why I tried to contact my friends as frequent as possible, to let them not push me so far behind their heads, and to let them know I really miss them and love them. But I never got to anywhere far because I'm always busy studying, getting meals, going to classes. And I'm angry at myself when I can't continue a conversation any further when it's time for me to sleep, to study. And the breakdown finally occurred to me that I'm not prepared at all to lose everyone.
I told what I'm going through to my friend that night, and he said I'm being stupid to think that friendships can be so fragile. He told me that even when people don't contact for a long period, they will never forget you. How can I be so selfish? To think that friendships are just paper, easily torn, easily crushed, I guess I've always been like this. Things like this always happen, we were once closest friends, and now we are just strangers that nods and smile to each other. Once realising how much pain it is to always lose the bond once people are separated, I've never take friendships too seriously. Occasionally I do, but then at night I will always tell myself to be prepared for it, to be not sad when the day finally comes, which is best if it never does. But then of course the day comes, it happens eventually. And on that parting day, I never bothered to cry, because all those nights telling myself to be prepared finally paid off.
So on that night I found myself losing everything and not gaining anything, I cried listening and singing to sad songs about parting and losing (Yeah, so me.) I decided to listen to my friend's voice messages, and truly he always comes up with great advice. I should never tried to hard to humour people, to try so hard to push myself into their lives. Instead, I should be improving myself, to make myself a better person, and then I will have people coming to me to know me, to make friends with me. So this, is what I'm aiming to be, a better person than yesterday. People in Palmy are very very friendly and passionate, it's just that people come and go to easily I never know who can stay long enough for me to finally make a bond. So it's up to me.
There was a point where I started swearing for a short period of time because it finally caught some people's attention (People swear here a lot!). But I hated myself for swearing. I remembered when my friend Mike told me to not swear because it just impolite and leaves a bad impression to people. Of course then I swear occasionally but sometimes never, and not in front of people or only with people that is really close to me. But that day when I start swearing I felt a certain accomplishment as people were amused by my swearing. (Now, I just feel embarrassed.) So once my friend advised me not to humour people, I decided to stop swearing again, and to be myself. Because people are never alone I guess, it's up to us to decide. And yesterday, surprise, someone came to my room to talk to me and we studied together. She's a lovely girl too, and she is also the one whom I confessed to about my anti-social behaviour. And she say she is willing to put me into one of her special places. Thanks to her I'm really feeling better.
As for people that has ever walked into my life and painted a colourful picture on my canvas, I truly appreciate you guys, and I know that even if miles part us apart, and social media never get to make up the emptiness as time passed by, you will all still have a special place in my heart, and it's never wavered and never forgotten. I'm sorry that at some point I thought that friendships are just fragile creatures and never told you guys before. Now I did and may have hurt you but it's a childish past. I'm going to love you guys more than ever, because I always love myself for loving people! It gives me a sense of appreciation and loyalty, and I love this me. To love and to be loved.
So it's been a month now (actually just 3 more days to a month), staying in Palmerston North, living in my empty, never-ever-this-tidy room, studying everyday and preparing for my classes and labs. To be honest, I have never been this happy to finally leave home (country) and exploring new places. People complimented me, even people in here and told me that I'm very brave to go to a country so far away from home at this age, but I just thought it's normal. I know a lot of my friends are going to Melbourne, Taiwan, USA, hence my case is just nothing.
Palmerston North is too much of a peaceful and quiet place that sometimes it just feels boring (even compared to Malaysia!). But I got a completely new lifestyle and I'm really loving it! The air is very clean and refreshing every single day, and I'm feeling healthier as I have to keep walking back and forth around campus. The buses are free so I don't have to pay for transportation. There are a lot of supermarkets (Just like Giant over there) that sell really really really cheap stuff. I can go to the toilet every single day, and my skin just transformed into this velvety smooth that I never had before! (Just realised it yesterday.) I start to take olive oil and DHA omega-3 supplements every morning, and chocolate drinks every night.
Two days ago, I had my first breakdown. I cried talking to one of my closest friends, and telling them I'm not making any good friends and that I'm anti-social. I can't find a common ground with people and none of them felt sincere towards me. The worst thing is, I can't even find common ground with people I loved back in Malaysia. I'm jealous, of course I am, to see people planning on going out together, to play, to eat happily with each other, and I'm stuck here. There's a day where I can't even go to the funeral of my teacher, and that night I'm just trying to get it off my head, and that's when all of these emotions starts to pile up.
Making new friends in a new place is difficult, you don't have the same classes so you can't stick together everyday. People come and go in university, every meeting is fated. Mostly they just last for that one hour of lecture. Then there are also the cool kids where you feel intimidated to join them but you know you are not like them and it will never be a match. And you feel unwanted when you had two people by your side at first and then suddenly it's just them two.
I can be paranoia but I know, if I'm still going to be in the silent not doing anything, I might lose everything. That's why I tried to contact my friends as frequent as possible, to let them not push me so far behind their heads, and to let them know I really miss them and love them. But I never got to anywhere far because I'm always busy studying, getting meals, going to classes. And I'm angry at myself when I can't continue a conversation any further when it's time for me to sleep, to study. And the breakdown finally occurred to me that I'm not prepared at all to lose everyone.
I told what I'm going through to my friend that night, and he said I'm being stupid to think that friendships can be so fragile. He told me that even when people don't contact for a long period, they will never forget you. How can I be so selfish? To think that friendships are just paper, easily torn, easily crushed, I guess I've always been like this. Things like this always happen, we were once closest friends, and now we are just strangers that nods and smile to each other. Once realising how much pain it is to always lose the bond once people are separated, I've never take friendships too seriously. Occasionally I do, but then at night I will always tell myself to be prepared for it, to be not sad when the day finally comes, which is best if it never does. But then of course the day comes, it happens eventually. And on that parting day, I never bothered to cry, because all those nights telling myself to be prepared finally paid off.
So on that night I found myself losing everything and not gaining anything, I cried listening and singing to sad songs about parting and losing (Yeah, so me.) I decided to listen to my friend's voice messages, and truly he always comes up with great advice. I should never tried to hard to humour people, to try so hard to push myself into their lives. Instead, I should be improving myself, to make myself a better person, and then I will have people coming to me to know me, to make friends with me. So this, is what I'm aiming to be, a better person than yesterday. People in Palmy are very very friendly and passionate, it's just that people come and go to easily I never know who can stay long enough for me to finally make a bond. So it's up to me.
There was a point where I started swearing for a short period of time because it finally caught some people's attention (People swear here a lot!). But I hated myself for swearing. I remembered when my friend Mike told me to not swear because it just impolite and leaves a bad impression to people. Of course then I swear occasionally but sometimes never, and not in front of people or only with people that is really close to me. But that day when I start swearing I felt a certain accomplishment as people were amused by my swearing. (Now, I just feel embarrassed.) So once my friend advised me not to humour people, I decided to stop swearing again, and to be myself. Because people are never alone I guess, it's up to us to decide. And yesterday, surprise, someone came to my room to talk to me and we studied together. She's a lovely girl too, and she is also the one whom I confessed to about my anti-social behaviour. And she say she is willing to put me into one of her special places. Thanks to her I'm really feeling better.
As for people that has ever walked into my life and painted a colourful picture on my canvas, I truly appreciate you guys, and I know that even if miles part us apart, and social media never get to make up the emptiness as time passed by, you will all still have a special place in my heart, and it's never wavered and never forgotten. I'm sorry that at some point I thought that friendships are just fragile creatures and never told you guys before. Now I did and may have hurt you but it's a childish past. I'm going to love you guys more than ever, because I always love myself for loving people! It gives me a sense of appreciation and loyalty, and I love this me. To love and to be loved.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Kia Ora!
Kia Ora!
I've been seeing this welcoming phrase since the first day I got accepted into Massey. I'm just as shocked to found out that I've been absent in this blog for 2 months and I somehow regret it for not wanting to update my blog because so much has happened in those two months. Possibly a lot of appreciation and gratefulness to my ex-peers/boss/co-workers... The two clinic hamsters that gave birth to a total of 8 babies are doing so fine, with the help of Onnie/Xuannie (Ong Zhi Xian) snapchatting videos to me everyday. I'm now in this spacious room in Auckland, using the 1GB free wifi to type this blog instead of using it to finish my assignment. (Sigh, procrastination is a sin.)
However, I'm quite proud of myself in contributing the forum of an online course I signed up for, and the lecturer is really helpful. I really learned a lot through this online course (about academic writing and APA format), though I really have to say I'm really thankful that Miss Evon (I never really appreciated her before :( ) taught us APA last year, so it's not quite a hard and shocking task for me now.
So, here I am in Auckland, and in another 8 hours I will be taking a domestic flight to Palmerston North. I'm so excited, nervous and scared, because I never thought that I would go this far. Time has flew by so fast I can't even have the time to lie down in my bed and do some self-reflection. Anyways, I'm really glad that people are so friendly in here. I really hope to meet new friends over there as soon as possible. Crossing fingers that everything will be fine tomorrow and will go smoothly! I will need to go to the bank to proceed my account, get my Student ID card and also buy a SIM card.
That's it for today, because although 1 GB of internet is sufficient, I don't feel like procrastinating anymore and need to send in the draft as soon as possible so I can improve further. Not much after being gone for so long.... bye!
I've been seeing this welcoming phrase since the first day I got accepted into Massey. I'm just as shocked to found out that I've been absent in this blog for 2 months and I somehow regret it for not wanting to update my blog because so much has happened in those two months. Possibly a lot of appreciation and gratefulness to my ex-peers/boss/co-workers... The two clinic hamsters that gave birth to a total of 8 babies are doing so fine, with the help of Onnie/Xuannie (Ong Zhi Xian) snapchatting videos to me everyday. I'm now in this spacious room in Auckland, using the 1GB free wifi to type this blog instead of using it to finish my assignment. (Sigh, procrastination is a sin.)
However, I'm quite proud of myself in contributing the forum of an online course I signed up for, and the lecturer is really helpful. I really learned a lot through this online course (about academic writing and APA format), though I really have to say I'm really thankful that Miss Evon (I never really appreciated her before :( ) taught us APA last year, so it's not quite a hard and shocking task for me now.
So, here I am in Auckland, and in another 8 hours I will be taking a domestic flight to Palmerston North. I'm so excited, nervous and scared, because I never thought that I would go this far. Time has flew by so fast I can't even have the time to lie down in my bed and do some self-reflection. Anyways, I'm really glad that people are so friendly in here. I really hope to meet new friends over there as soon as possible. Crossing fingers that everything will be fine tomorrow and will go smoothly! I will need to go to the bank to proceed my account, get my Student ID card and also buy a SIM card.
That's it for today, because although 1 GB of internet is sufficient, I don't feel like procrastinating anymore and need to send in the draft as soon as possible so I can improve further. Not much after being gone for so long.... bye!
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Small update
Since I still have 30 minutes before going to work, might as well make a small update. I actually felt very very regretful for not going with my friends to Penang. For starters, I really need to stop neglecting my friends. I find myself missing them a lot. Since it's over, let me just take it as a lesson and move forward.
As my UEC results are coming soon, I'm having a slight insomnia as the days come closer. Even though I was very tired when the day ended, and slept at 10pm, I couldn't help opening my eyes in the middle of the night. At first it was 5am, then 4am, then 3am, then 2am... It's very troublesome for me, and I had to sleep at 11pm yesterday so I can totally wear myself out. But I still woke up quite early, which is 5am. I really hope that the day could arrive soon, so I can get back my sleep.
The happy thing is, I'm sort of ready to complete my application. My certificates are sorted (but haven't filed), my personal statement is done (few weeks ago), and my letter of working experience has been filled by the doctor. What could possibly go wrong? Hahaha, my results. Well, I'm still confident and optimistic about my results. But I should also start having some self-preparation.
Well, that's it. I have nothing much to say. I should go get myself a cup of coffee.
As my UEC results are coming soon, I'm having a slight insomnia as the days come closer. Even though I was very tired when the day ended, and slept at 10pm, I couldn't help opening my eyes in the middle of the night. At first it was 5am, then 4am, then 3am, then 2am... It's very troublesome for me, and I had to sleep at 11pm yesterday so I can totally wear myself out. But I still woke up quite early, which is 5am. I really hope that the day could arrive soon, so I can get back my sleep.
The happy thing is, I'm sort of ready to complete my application. My certificates are sorted (but haven't filed), my personal statement is done (few weeks ago), and my letter of working experience has been filled by the doctor. What could possibly go wrong? Hahaha, my results. Well, I'm still confident and optimistic about my results. But I should also start having some self-preparation.
Well, that's it. I have nothing much to say. I should go get myself a cup of coffee.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
having a 3GB data
It may not be a very significant change in my life, but I have started to notice how much time I had spent on using my data every single time I'm alone, doing nothing.
To be honest I hate myself for this, because whenever I feel like having nothing to do, I just swipe my phone, and looking back now, I'm just wasting my time. I should do something more meaningful, such as reading, revising, cleaning my room (again!), or even learning new things.
Every night, the last thing I do before I sleep is to close my data usage, and every morning, the first thing I do when I wake up is to turn on my data usage. I wonder if it's because I was taking a break from work and it made me unable to use my time efficiently, which is why I couldn't complete my IELTS practice books.
Anyway, I'm going back to being busy tomorrow, I am very excited. I found out that I'm just so obsessed (bad word) with being busy, I must be very very crazy.
Anyway, just a small reminder that I shouldn't dwell on my data anymore and should only use it when needed to.
Data is truly a waste of my time -_-
To be honest I hate myself for this, because whenever I feel like having nothing to do, I just swipe my phone, and looking back now, I'm just wasting my time. I should do something more meaningful, such as reading, revising, cleaning my room (again!), or even learning new things.
Every night, the last thing I do before I sleep is to close my data usage, and every morning, the first thing I do when I wake up is to turn on my data usage. I wonder if it's because I was taking a break from work and it made me unable to use my time efficiently, which is why I couldn't complete my IELTS practice books.
Anyway, I'm going back to being busy tomorrow, I am very excited. I found out that I'm just so obsessed (bad word) with being busy, I must be very very crazy.
Anyway, just a small reminder that I shouldn't dwell on my data anymore and should only use it when needed to.
Data is truly a waste of my time -_-
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Thoughts after an accident
So my friend actually told me to write a post about a car accident I was involved on the 1st of December, which I had not thought about it and never planned about it either. Anyway, it's quite a unique way to start a new month.
So I had my first car accident, not much of a trauma since it's just a small accident and no one was hurt one bit. I probably had mental issues about driving out again but I am sure it's just a small small consequence I had to bear at the moment. With a bit more bravery to drive again, I'm sure I will recover asap.
And I have to drive as it's my speaking test tomorrow. Actually a lot of good things are happening ever since the accident (it's only two days). For example, aside of winning the lottery, I also found out that my IELTS requirement for university is just a 6.0 (not 7.0 as I first found out), hooray!!
The accident definitely trained me to be more positive thinking, I had a terrible breakdown yesterday after doing the police report, which includes embarrassing moments such as crying while driving home and crying another 2 hours in my bedroom. I hadn't had a breakdown for months, this is quite new.
So after talking to a few friends, I felt so much better and I am very very very grateful to have these three (four?) friends. It may not be a lot, since I'm sort of a loner and has a very small social circle, but they mean the world to me, and I wouldn't want to lose them. I will truly treasure them a lot.
And here ends this small post. Aside, I'm very in love with f(x)'s "4 walls". Oh, and IU's calendar.
So I had my first car accident, not much of a trauma since it's just a small accident and no one was hurt one bit. I probably had mental issues about driving out again but I am sure it's just a small small consequence I had to bear at the moment. With a bit more bravery to drive again, I'm sure I will recover asap.
And I have to drive as it's my speaking test tomorrow. Actually a lot of good things are happening ever since the accident (it's only two days). For example, aside of winning the lottery, I also found out that my IELTS requirement for university is just a 6.0 (not 7.0 as I first found out), hooray!!
The accident definitely trained me to be more positive thinking, I had a terrible breakdown yesterday after doing the police report, which includes embarrassing moments such as crying while driving home and crying another 2 hours in my bedroom. I hadn't had a breakdown for months, this is quite new.
So after talking to a few friends, I felt so much better and I am very very very grateful to have these three (four?) friends. It may not be a lot, since I'm sort of a loner and has a very small social circle, but they mean the world to me, and I wouldn't want to lose them. I will truly treasure them a lot.
And here ends this small post. Aside, I'm very in love with f(x)'s "4 walls". Oh, and IU's calendar.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Today
It's been a long time since I blogged, and I'm doing it now because I wanna play the computer more, but not sure what to play; also I'm waiting for my Desperate Housewives to load.
Just a few things about my volunteering, I definitely need to be aware. I had made countless mistakes and I'm feeling very bad and very sorry about my carelessness. Especially my communication skills are so mediocre that I suck much at talking on telephones. I need to be really careful as these all counts to my future. Not only I need to get feedback but I'm sure in the future I have to do more of these.
Listening and speaking is really important, it's just like an IELTS test. Most of the times I couldn't give good response and it leads to big misunderstandings. Second is that I can't pick out words the other side is saying, so I have to be really really really careful and aware and sensitive. I have to be slow and steady, just like driving a car.
Okay, I suppose that is my remorse and sorry.
I still have to learn a lot more from other people. To be polite, to be kind, and to be brave.
Just a few things about my volunteering, I definitely need to be aware. I had made countless mistakes and I'm feeling very bad and very sorry about my carelessness. Especially my communication skills are so mediocre that I suck much at talking on telephones. I need to be really careful as these all counts to my future. Not only I need to get feedback but I'm sure in the future I have to do more of these.
Listening and speaking is really important, it's just like an IELTS test. Most of the times I couldn't give good response and it leads to big misunderstandings. Second is that I can't pick out words the other side is saying, so I have to be really really really careful and aware and sensitive. I have to be slow and steady, just like driving a car.
Okay, I suppose that is my remorse and sorry.
I still have to learn a lot more from other people. To be polite, to be kind, and to be brave.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Graduation and after
Graduation day, nothing much unless I have really strong bonds with everyone. I was quite surprise that I didn't cry and partly of me know why, because I cannot feel the sadness. And that's it. Graduation day, passed. Now that I thought about it, my mum brought me a gift, and it's very lovely. I usually don't get surprises because I'm too of a noobie. And I knew surprises too well. Sometimes people just don't hide their surprises too carefully, like my mum who took out the receipt of the gift she bought the day before graduation. Which is why I knew, but tried not to expect too much, and well, it turned out good. As for flower, my mum actually asked me if she should buy me one, and I told her no, cause it's just a waste of money and the flowers die. When Chiam got a fake flower from his society he was like fake flowers means fake feeling. But I think fake flowers can be kept forever. I sort of prefer fake flowers than real. You know what is the best, handmade paper or tissue flowers, which are beautiful, there is love in making it, and durability in keeping it. And not to mention, I have to say the biggest surprise is that tiramisu cake Jervain made for me.
And then is prom. Pictures says a lot more. No special feelings.
Yesterday is my first day to volunteer, what a great way to finally start the holidays!! The place is just wonderful and I love being busy and not lazing in house anymore. I hope to continue being so.
I seemed to forget my everyday grateful prayers, which is bad.
And I got an eye infection the first day of my work, after applying drops of neo deca and eye wash, it finally got better today. I think its a warning for me wearing makeup or straining my eyes few days in a row. And to be grateful that I still have my vision.Because of the eye infection, I am very sure my vision is greatly affected hence I need to do some checkups ASAP.
Short post today because I'm going now!
And then is prom. Pictures says a lot more. No special feelings.
Yesterday is my first day to volunteer, what a great way to finally start the holidays!! The place is just wonderful and I love being busy and not lazing in house anymore. I hope to continue being so.
I seemed to forget my everyday grateful prayers, which is bad.
And I got an eye infection the first day of my work, after applying drops of neo deca and eye wash, it finally got better today. I think its a warning for me wearing makeup or straining my eyes few days in a row. And to be grateful that I still have my vision.Because of the eye infection, I am very sure my vision is greatly affected hence I need to do some checkups ASAP.
Short post today because I'm going now!
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Holiday week
(Written yesterday - 4th November 2015)
I must say that my holiday life is always bland compare to others. It's not that I don't like having fun and prefer lazing in my house sofa, or watching dramas and movies. But it's that I don't have the resources into having a fun holiday. Or so I thought?
I sort of regretted that I stopped writing yesterday because eventually I forgot everything I wanted to write yesterday, now I just have to finish writing whatever happened yesterday and today. And also some of my feelings and conclusions.
So let me talk about this volunteer work I got. About this incident, I really want to thank Mike for encouraging me when I feel skeptical and anxious whether the clinic is going to accept my volunteer. I found him as a really good friend of mine now, as he helped me a lot, which includes during my exams he helped me with math and physics. After my exams, he helped me check my answers and console me if I don't feel good or doubtful about my results. He told me about The Law of Attraction, which I now truly truly believe, thanks to him. He told me not to stop believing that I will get the volunteer job in the clinic. He also advice me to stop swearing as this would make my first impression to people bad, and I have found myself more controlling of my language use and manners, of course except the fact that I pointed a middle finger to my best friend today.... err that's bad. He also encourage me to talk to Junren more, as he said that this is my last year, and I should befriend him again. So after a lot of discussion with him, I decided to write a letter and send to JR tomorrow (Cleaning Day). Wish me luck, fingers crossed.
Back to the volunteering, no one can believe how skeptical I have been during the past 3 days. When Mike told me about the Secret, that night I found my book and read again. And every night, I do those three things, Ask, Believe and Accept. During Wednesday, I called the clinic three times with no result, and that's when I found out that the clinic does not open at Wednesdays. So I decided to call on Thursday. Since the next day is my society farewell party, I wanted to bake cookies and called my mum to pick me to the closest bakery suppliers to buy the ingredient. When I was waiting at the lift, I had the urge to call the clinic again, but this time the number is a hand phone number written on their card. So I proceeded to call and to my excitement, the doctor himself answered the call. The doctor told me that they had lost my phone number and couldn't contact me and he said that I am allow to work. Sorry for the boring bits of details but at that point, I was really happy and laughed out loud on the street, which is embarrassing...
That is when I started to feel grateful to everything good thing that has happened to me. I should be grateful, and just happy about everything and being positive. For example that one time Mike told me that the road around my house is very difficult to drive. And I told him that it doesn't matter, because if I can master that difficult road around my house, it means that I can drive any road as well. Just a small normal story but it means a lot of change on me.
And I made cookies!!! Which is a good thing, as I finally got some "hobby" to begin with. Hope that baking can really be a lifelong skill.
That is the end of yesterday. Now today.
Today I went to school early, for the dissection for the frog. I think I will put this story later, it was nothing special, just the good thing is that the teacher complimented me and Priscilla for doing a good job in dissecting it, although we sort of destroyed the kidneys.
And my friends also said that my level of carefulness is high, okay I know that they could just be talking fun but to be honest, I am proud of myself being serious and careful when cleaning the bones. I hope that this inner merit of me can take me far on my journey to becoming a veterinarian.
And the next is the farewell party, not bad, everything went well. Very surprised with the huge amount of gifts. And they even ate finish all of my cookies!!! I'm very much pleased.
Just to say that these few days have really opened up my mind and made me a better person than yesterday. Also to just encourage myself, I even did my workout after reaching home eating a lot and it was already 7 pm and tired. Kudos for the 7 minutes. I hope to continue improving myself.
I must say that my holiday life is always bland compare to others. It's not that I don't like having fun and prefer lazing in my house sofa, or watching dramas and movies. But it's that I don't have the resources into having a fun holiday. Or so I thought?
Every time I think of going out, I will always remember the memory that I have, of sitting in a subway in Hong Kong, and going to the Andy Warhol exhibition at the Art Museum located in Tsim Sha Tsui. It reminded me of the joy of being alone and it's serenity. Too bad, compared to being a big country, Malaysia doesn't seem to have much options when it comes to serenity and peacefulness.
Well, I'm still here. And I figure it out that if I don't have the serenity I want outside, why don't I just enjoy the loneliness at home? Which is boring, relatively, but I'm sure I will work something out. For example, I finally got the volunteer job I yearn for so long (non-ending thinking about it for 3 days straight). This has eventually cut my home alone time short because I'm going out and I hope it to be busy and very busy.
The next is that I'm trying to learn a new language. Korean to be precise. And it's going to be self taught. I had this idea when I was a few years younger, when the k-pop/ drama craze went to the roof. Not me having k-craze, but the people around me. Those reality shows, Running Man, dramas, SNSD and such, it's pretty much the topic of everyone. And a lot of people learned Korean because of that. Well, I won't deny that k-craze has finally gotten into me, I listened to IU and Taeyeon, I love the reality show The return of Superman, and I just thought that it would be really amazing if I can understand what IU is singing and the interaction between dads and kids. I actually thought I can learn Japanese first because I love Japan, and I want to understand their language and when I go to Japan later I can communicate, and meet new friends. But Korean got to me first. So I got to my first lesson in learning Hangul, their vowels and consonants. So after learning how to read their letters, I guess I will start to learn some grammar and sentence structure. And the next will be basic vocabulary and hopefully I will start to read IU's lyrics. The Internet is a miracle, you can have everything you asked for. I also found some hacks on dealing with Kuwo's recent actions to charge some music due to copyright issues. I know downloading music is illegal but to make so many things work depending on money is very... disturbing. Well since IU's new album has charges, I used that hack (it's simple, everyone knows it except me) and I got IU's songs and it has bilingual lyrics, Korean and Chinese, that definitely helps a lot.
Also, there is the workout. Yay I finally got to my first workout. It's only been two days but I'm quite proud of myself. It's just 7 minutes but I really sweat a lot. And I finally get the feeling of being pleasantly sweaty that Jer Vain always told me about. Not to mention aside from the 7-minute workout I tend to do 30 minutes of cardio every morning (the stepping machine). I read that in the morning our blood sugar level is very low, and by doing cardio in the morning, our bodies tend to use the sugar stored in our fat as there is no sugar to be used in our blood. Okay, the fun of science. So it's been two days, and after my first workout, my muscles really feel sore and again I get to feel that pleasure my friend is so happy about. Oh yes, and I am very grateful that my period came at the beginning of the month so there is no excuse of skipping exercise because of my period. (Eureka!) I had my period at the 30th of October, and I really felt happy about it. Oh. Except the fact that I will be having my period during my class trip. (Dang it, I just thought of that in a sudden.) I suppose I will.... try to have fun.
(Continued today - 5th November 2015)
(Continued today - 5th November 2015)
I sort of regretted that I stopped writing yesterday because eventually I forgot everything I wanted to write yesterday, now I just have to finish writing whatever happened yesterday and today. And also some of my feelings and conclusions.
So let me talk about this volunteer work I got. About this incident, I really want to thank Mike for encouraging me when I feel skeptical and anxious whether the clinic is going to accept my volunteer. I found him as a really good friend of mine now, as he helped me a lot, which includes during my exams he helped me with math and physics. After my exams, he helped me check my answers and console me if I don't feel good or doubtful about my results. He told me about The Law of Attraction, which I now truly truly believe, thanks to him. He told me not to stop believing that I will get the volunteer job in the clinic. He also advice me to stop swearing as this would make my first impression to people bad, and I have found myself more controlling of my language use and manners, of course except the fact that I pointed a middle finger to my best friend today.... err that's bad. He also encourage me to talk to Junren more, as he said that this is my last year, and I should befriend him again. So after a lot of discussion with him, I decided to write a letter and send to JR tomorrow (Cleaning Day). Wish me luck, fingers crossed.
Back to the volunteering, no one can believe how skeptical I have been during the past 3 days. When Mike told me about the Secret, that night I found my book and read again. And every night, I do those three things, Ask, Believe and Accept. During Wednesday, I called the clinic three times with no result, and that's when I found out that the clinic does not open at Wednesdays. So I decided to call on Thursday. Since the next day is my society farewell party, I wanted to bake cookies and called my mum to pick me to the closest bakery suppliers to buy the ingredient. When I was waiting at the lift, I had the urge to call the clinic again, but this time the number is a hand phone number written on their card. So I proceeded to call and to my excitement, the doctor himself answered the call. The doctor told me that they had lost my phone number and couldn't contact me and he said that I am allow to work. Sorry for the boring bits of details but at that point, I was really happy and laughed out loud on the street, which is embarrassing...
That is when I started to feel grateful to everything good thing that has happened to me. I should be grateful, and just happy about everything and being positive. For example that one time Mike told me that the road around my house is very difficult to drive. And I told him that it doesn't matter, because if I can master that difficult road around my house, it means that I can drive any road as well. Just a small normal story but it means a lot of change on me.
And I made cookies!!! Which is a good thing, as I finally got some "hobby" to begin with. Hope that baking can really be a lifelong skill.
That is the end of yesterday. Now today.
Today I went to school early, for the dissection for the frog. I think I will put this story later, it was nothing special, just the good thing is that the teacher complimented me and Priscilla for doing a good job in dissecting it, although we sort of destroyed the kidneys.
And my friends also said that my level of carefulness is high, okay I know that they could just be talking fun but to be honest, I am proud of myself being serious and careful when cleaning the bones. I hope that this inner merit of me can take me far on my journey to becoming a veterinarian.
And the next is the farewell party, not bad, everything went well. Very surprised with the huge amount of gifts. And they even ate finish all of my cookies!!! I'm very much pleased.
Just to say that these few days have really opened up my mind and made me a better person than yesterday. Also to just encourage myself, I even did my workout after reaching home eating a lot and it was already 7 pm and tired. Kudos for the 7 minutes. I hope to continue improving myself.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Blame
I like blaming people. Who doesn't? And people like to blame me.
And then I know that, I cannot have this kind of attitude.
This is so wrong. I am so wrong.
Sometimes, living in this family of mine, just made me the worst kind of person I can ever become. I get mad easily. I have no patience. I get jealous, I get sad and I cry and sobbed like there is no tomorrow.
It makes me feel useless, worthless. It makes me feel that I failed them.
Like today I told about my parents that I called an agent. And the agent said that I need to send in my forecast results to the university so for them to consider a place for me. And I told them that my grades in the forecast is not good.
This is where the blaming starts.
I said that people in my school are too brilliant, which is why competition is high and I can't reach my 18 points. And the exam is too hard. And my father said that there is no difference whether I'm taking the forecast or UEC. The fact is I can't get good grades. I told him this is not fair, how I am suppose to compete. It's all is the gradient chart, they gather everyone's grades and compare to which is the passing line. And my dad say
If you are able to get 100 in your exams, you won't even need to worry about the passing line.
Now that I have think it through by writing here, he is right. If I get 100, why do I need to care? I'm already A. But at that time, that moment when he said that, I felt heavier than ever before. Like I let them down, the expectations are high, and nobody cares about how I felt. It's really awful. And I have no one to tell, because all I know, is that they will call me stupid and not think about it, because they don't want to think how to console me as well.
After lunch, my dad asked if I needed a car, to drive to the clinic. And I say I can walk there, of course as expected, no one allows. So I need a car. My father say he is gonna buy a manual one for me, and my mum got angry, because she doesn't want me to drive a manual car. My father once said that I'm a scaredy cat because I don't dare to drive a car, even after I got my license. And my mother then asked him, why don't I drive his car, he immediately object because his car is from the company and he cannot let me drive it. So why don't I drive my mum's car? No, because her car is too big and I should start with a small one instead. So I can't drive a car, because I don't dare to drive one, or they don't dare to let me drive one?
Anyway I got mad with my mother and she got mad with me. And when we reached home she let me drive. And I drive and it was not as chaotic as the first time, but all I know is when I finally reach my limit I might just burst into tears. My confidence must have dropped to absolute zero, not now but any time soon. The moment my confidence lost is the moment when we all die in a car crash.
All I know is that until that I wrote until here, I just want to say I am sorry.
Because that's all I need to say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being rude, sorry for not giving my all, sorry for being such a bitch.
I really really really want to be good. I want to be liked want to be loved. I don't mean perfect. I mean, to be really happy with my life.
Let me just remorse myself in here and I hope that I can get the volunteer job I wanted and get to enter the university I wanted as well. Please.
And then I know that, I cannot have this kind of attitude.
This is so wrong. I am so wrong.
Sometimes, living in this family of mine, just made me the worst kind of person I can ever become. I get mad easily. I have no patience. I get jealous, I get sad and I cry and sobbed like there is no tomorrow.
It makes me feel useless, worthless. It makes me feel that I failed them.
Like today I told about my parents that I called an agent. And the agent said that I need to send in my forecast results to the university so for them to consider a place for me. And I told them that my grades in the forecast is not good.
This is where the blaming starts.
I said that people in my school are too brilliant, which is why competition is high and I can't reach my 18 points. And the exam is too hard. And my father said that there is no difference whether I'm taking the forecast or UEC. The fact is I can't get good grades. I told him this is not fair, how I am suppose to compete. It's all is the gradient chart, they gather everyone's grades and compare to which is the passing line. And my dad say
If you are able to get 100 in your exams, you won't even need to worry about the passing line.
Now that I have think it through by writing here, he is right. If I get 100, why do I need to care? I'm already A. But at that time, that moment when he said that, I felt heavier than ever before. Like I let them down, the expectations are high, and nobody cares about how I felt. It's really awful. And I have no one to tell, because all I know, is that they will call me stupid and not think about it, because they don't want to think how to console me as well.
After lunch, my dad asked if I needed a car, to drive to the clinic. And I say I can walk there, of course as expected, no one allows. So I need a car. My father say he is gonna buy a manual one for me, and my mum got angry, because she doesn't want me to drive a manual car. My father once said that I'm a scaredy cat because I don't dare to drive a car, even after I got my license. And my mother then asked him, why don't I drive his car, he immediately object because his car is from the company and he cannot let me drive it. So why don't I drive my mum's car? No, because her car is too big and I should start with a small one instead. So I can't drive a car, because I don't dare to drive one, or they don't dare to let me drive one?
Anyway I got mad with my mother and she got mad with me. And when we reached home she let me drive. And I drive and it was not as chaotic as the first time, but all I know is when I finally reach my limit I might just burst into tears. My confidence must have dropped to absolute zero, not now but any time soon. The moment my confidence lost is the moment when we all die in a car crash.
All I know is that until that I wrote until here, I just want to say I am sorry.
Because that's all I need to say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being rude, sorry for not giving my all, sorry for being such a bitch.
I really really really want to be good. I want to be liked want to be loved. I don't mean perfect. I mean, to be really happy with my life.
Let me just remorse myself in here and I hope that I can get the volunteer job I wanted and get to enter the university I wanted as well. Please.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Pessimist
I often feel abandon I think. I mean, people seem to treat me like I'm someone who is 'disposable'. This is a very negative feeling, but sometimes I can't help myself. If I be the enthusiastic one, people don't acknowledge at all. If I be the calm one, people will think that I'm boring. If I be the crazy one, people avoid me. If I be the passive one, people ignore me. There is no real me, because no matter who I become no one will notice me, which is why I always try to be perfect. I yearn to be perfect. Because I'm that self-centered girl who cannot live with a friend. Yet I have none. This is so unfair, because I have all of these people around me who cares(?) about me. This is so unfair to the people around me. What is my problem, actually? Am I too bossy, am I too passive? Am I too conserve? Am I too open? Am I too enthusiastic? Am I too loud? Am I not 'play' enough?
When I think it thoroughly, I found myself unable to find a university straight away, I'm going to have to have a gap year, but not in any other place, but in here. Goddamnit, I hate this place. I hate the people here, I hate the cars and the air here. I hate the garbage I see on the roadside. I hate all those working foreigners with their large staring eyes. I hate imagining myself driving on the roads in this stupid country. I want to leave this place, even if it's a gap year. Then I thought of Hong Kong, my second home, and damn, that place is even worse than here. All the news about beating travelers because they refuse to buy things. Those shitty attitude I witness myself in that place, as much it's actually much cleaner and has great underground transport, the culture and people there totally is the worst.
I want to leave here. Because I have no one here. People know me and people avoid me. People don't want to talk to me here, because they don't like my personality. So I want to leave here, and so I can forge another me. I can be a new me, I can meet new people, learn their expectations and transform myself into, well, myself. I can forge a new self.
What is the thing that my friend told me?
为自己而活 才会活得没有怨言
凡是要是想别人感激 这是奢侈多余
真性情的人 才不会炫耀 所以没有自卑
Ah, what wisdom that is. I suppose I still have a long way to learn. And I'm so sorry that I expected.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Empty can or Full can?
So I heard this on radio:
An empty can and a full can drop test.So what is this statement implying?
The empty can makes a higher pitched noise, whereas the full can makes a denser noise.
So, do you want to be the empty can or the full can?
Conclusion: empty cans make the loudest noise.
- That humble people makes the most success, and people who are full of themselves (full cans) won't be able to do anything big. OR...
- People who lacks knowledge always make the most sound pollution, whereas people who are knowledgeable tend to treat things in a more peaceful and quiet approach. (you know you know, the stuff happening in our beloved country lately?)
Not really sure what is Fly.fm's approach, but not bad. :)
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Angry post 1
Today I just want to brag about my family.
Warning to future-self if reading this n years/months/days later, please do note that this is very offensive and very unfilial of you. You are not a good daughter, and hopefully after n years/months/days, you can change this kind of thoughts. Guilty card thrown.
I don't know when, but suddenly I have become the ultimate example of the baddest ass shit daughter. I don't really know when to start, hoping that this would be short, but then I can't really.
Let's just say I'm immature as fuck, and then I am a 18 year old girl who doesn't act like a 18 year old girl. I'm suppose to be those adults by then, but then in Malaysia or I don't know, 18 doesn't mean anything at all. Like I don't know all those people outside, internationally, their 18 year old is definitely a damn fun year or something.
I, like most of many people, wants money. And I mean financially stable, because with my below average grades, it's very difficult for me to get a scholarship to study overseas, and now with our currency dropping at such magnitude, I'm feeling very lost. Mainly because with the decrease like this, university expenses has risen so much and expensive.
And then, is my parents stock thing. Because stock markets has basically become one of my life-saver when it comes to money. I mean, with investing the right market, one can have some side-income, right? Tbh, I know shit nothing about stock markets, but i tend to keep an eye on my parents stock. Few months ago, I always checked their phone stock app. And see how is the market going. Keep it short my parents invested a lot in buying different companies' stocks, and some went well, and some went REALLY FUCKING ****** BAD.
I mean, even someone as fucking stupid and have no shit about stock can understand what does the green plus sign and the red minus sign mean right? Let's just say there is this X company, from CHINA, and sell stationary. At one point (Last December or something) the indicator shows -40%. what the actual fuck. And I asked my dad, why is he still holding onto this one? He said we have to wait, for it to rise again. So I think okay, I can be patient, two months later, -50%. I asked the same question, and I get the same answer. And I got real mad and told him, if I were him, I will stop it. Because yeah right I lost 50% of my shares, but better be safe than sorry right? I mean, you lose 50% but you won't lose 60% right? Then you can try to invest another market and who knows, maybe you can get something else. But no one listens, because I'm just a dumb girl who knows nothing about stocks. I got so desperate, I even check the stock market, watch stock tv programmes, watch some taiwan show talking about investments and shit. And then this year, gst came (not relevant), and then the currency drop shit came, and they still hold onto this particular company. I totally give up, I didn't even check with the damn stocks anymore.
TO BE FUCKING HONEST, WHY CAN'T ANYBODY JUST BE EASILY SATISFIED WHEN IT COMES TO THIS SHIT?????
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, my parents will discuss this matter, and then they will say how they regret this selling this stock, how they regret buying this stock. CBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBC.
I mean, if you can be a little bit more satisfied by those little money you earned and can take it back away when you think it's enough, then it should be fucking enough.
I know I don't know damn shit about stock market ( nth time I'm saying this) and my parents always say, you never know what is going to happen in the future, but to me, STOCK IS A RISK, it's no game where you can always win, there will always be ups and downs. And I know that, when you see a stock you bought going up so high, and you yearned for more, and when you see a slight drop, and you hope that it will go up again. And this never ending cycle, even if it drop to fucking -40% low, you still hope that it will rise again. This is just pure greed, and everyone has it. Even me, if i ever saw my stock going up, of course i won't just stop, and if I saw a drop, i will definitely hold to it, because unless you really have those damn genius 经济顾问 that can help you do with your stocks, and you have confident in him/her enough and listen to what the says, then I will hope that tomorrow will rise. I have to say, investing is not as easy as it seems, the drop and going up can change anytime any second, and the magnitude can be big and can be small. In my family's case, when a stock rise to 20-30% it's just merely earning something like RM20-RM100, which is very little, compared to the 10 or 100 times of money you just invested. It can be big when very big, and small when very small. Even if you just got sibeh lucky and you got a 100% rise (which is never), you can only get as much as RM2000-RM9000, ON THIS CASE ONLY, because the more money you invest the more you can earn. And let's just say, my parents are no "more money". So investing is very difficult, and very very dangerous. But when you got the hang of it, then you got it.
THERE SHOULD BE A LIMIT.
Eventually I got to a conclusion, that if I were to have to do minor investments ( IF IF IF IF), for going up there wont be a limit, because who don't like money? However, the maximum lost I can get, is 30%, once it drops 30%, I will take it out. No matter if I earned like 1 dollar, or nothing, or lose money, I no give shit. 30% is my limit.
yeah right, easier said than done, plus I don't even have the money to invest. At a time my mother asked me how much do i have in my bank account, and I told her. And she said I can invest, and how many can I do?
一粒
just one. (in comparison, my parents can do up to 5000~10000)
and this one thing, can only got me RM10 if i were really lucky. like what? I can lost 500 if im not even careful. So i didn't buy it.
After this shitty long ass story, I even feel like sleeping after typing this, I just want to show off to you guys how stupid am I, for trying to reach shit I don't even know about. And I hate this place, I hate Malaysia so much, my house, the environment, and government, I just don't like it. Of course I probably cry like fuck if i were ever kicked out of the house with no money and such. Money has become one my priorities, for real, without money, there is nothing. For education, for food, for daily necessities, everything needs money.
Of course I also have this ideal thought that my life won't always be surround with money. Like my parents, they are not super rich nor super poor, but we still get to go to london to paris to japan to many countries, and that is because they are willing to spend it, and that they are financially stable. Yes, thats the word. Financially stable, i won't be working every damn hour and neglecting my family (ehem ehem ehem if i ever have one) or my cat (most likely to have one)
This place, has made me a very bad person.
A very very bad person. I hurt people, my friends my family, I am not able to reach out to new things. This very small cramped place has made me feel restricted. It could be my problem, my problem for not earning it myself. But everytime, things happening here, made me want to fight back and stay away from them. And when I went to other countries, they make want to change. A change of environment. Especially Japan, the people are so nice, it makes you want to be nice to them as well. But all I can see here, is just stubborn people and idiotic, money cheating system. Of course im fake, if people treat me good then i treat them good, treat me bad and i treat them bad. I am a vain person, rubbing people ass and such. But a change of environment maybe can help me start over.
Like just now, degrading and scolding my parents like that, it only makes me more hateful. But then, I so wanna go away, and have my own life. Alone, with a friend, with a cat, whatever. I just want to stay away from them. Because I want to explore life myself. I'm not saying it's better. It could be the worst day of my entire life. Have to pay rent, live in a space smaller than my bedroom, cook 3 meals on my own, grocery shopping myself, work day and night, restless. It is tiring, but worth it. I make my own decision, my own life.
Warning to future-self if reading this n years/months/days later, please do note that this is very offensive and very unfilial of you. You are not a good daughter, and hopefully after n years/months/days, you can change this kind of thoughts. Guilty card thrown.
I don't know when, but suddenly I have become the ultimate example of the baddest ass shit daughter. I don't really know when to start, hoping that this would be short, but then I can't really.
Let's just say I'm immature as fuck, and then I am a 18 year old girl who doesn't act like a 18 year old girl. I'm suppose to be those adults by then, but then in Malaysia or I don't know, 18 doesn't mean anything at all. Like I don't know all those people outside, internationally, their 18 year old is definitely a damn fun year or something.
I, like most of many people, wants money. And I mean financially stable, because with my below average grades, it's very difficult for me to get a scholarship to study overseas, and now with our currency dropping at such magnitude, I'm feeling very lost. Mainly because with the decrease like this, university expenses has risen so much and expensive.
And then, is my parents stock thing. Because stock markets has basically become one of my life-saver when it comes to money. I mean, with investing the right market, one can have some side-income, right? Tbh, I know shit nothing about stock markets, but i tend to keep an eye on my parents stock. Few months ago, I always checked their phone stock app. And see how is the market going. Keep it short my parents invested a lot in buying different companies' stocks, and some went well, and some went REALLY FUCKING ****** BAD.
I mean, even someone as fucking stupid and have no shit about stock can understand what does the green plus sign and the red minus sign mean right? Let's just say there is this X company, from CHINA, and sell stationary. At one point (Last December or something) the indicator shows -40%. what the actual fuck. And I asked my dad, why is he still holding onto this one? He said we have to wait, for it to rise again. So I think okay, I can be patient, two months later, -50%. I asked the same question, and I get the same answer. And I got real mad and told him, if I were him, I will stop it. Because yeah right I lost 50% of my shares, but better be safe than sorry right? I mean, you lose 50% but you won't lose 60% right? Then you can try to invest another market and who knows, maybe you can get something else. But no one listens, because I'm just a dumb girl who knows nothing about stocks. I got so desperate, I even check the stock market, watch stock tv programmes, watch some taiwan show talking about investments and shit. And then this year, gst came (not relevant), and then the currency drop shit came, and they still hold onto this particular company. I totally give up, I didn't even check with the damn stocks anymore.
TO BE FUCKING HONEST, WHY CAN'T ANYBODY JUST BE EASILY SATISFIED WHEN IT COMES TO THIS SHIT?????
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, my parents will discuss this matter, and then they will say how they regret this selling this stock, how they regret buying this stock. CBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBC.
I mean, if you can be a little bit more satisfied by those little money you earned and can take it back away when you think it's enough, then it should be fucking enough.
I know I don't know damn shit about stock market ( nth time I'm saying this) and my parents always say, you never know what is going to happen in the future, but to me, STOCK IS A RISK, it's no game where you can always win, there will always be ups and downs. And I know that, when you see a stock you bought going up so high, and you yearned for more, and when you see a slight drop, and you hope that it will go up again. And this never ending cycle, even if it drop to fucking -40% low, you still hope that it will rise again. This is just pure greed, and everyone has it. Even me, if i ever saw my stock going up, of course i won't just stop, and if I saw a drop, i will definitely hold to it, because unless you really have those damn genius 经济顾问 that can help you do with your stocks, and you have confident in him/her enough and listen to what the says, then I will hope that tomorrow will rise. I have to say, investing is not as easy as it seems, the drop and going up can change anytime any second, and the magnitude can be big and can be small. In my family's case, when a stock rise to 20-30% it's just merely earning something like RM20-RM100, which is very little, compared to the 10 or 100 times of money you just invested. It can be big when very big, and small when very small. Even if you just got sibeh lucky and you got a 100% rise (which is never), you can only get as much as RM2000-RM9000, ON THIS CASE ONLY, because the more money you invest the more you can earn. And let's just say, my parents are no "more money". So investing is very difficult, and very very dangerous. But when you got the hang of it, then you got it.
THERE SHOULD BE A LIMIT.
Eventually I got to a conclusion, that if I were to have to do minor investments ( IF IF IF IF), for going up there wont be a limit, because who don't like money? However, the maximum lost I can get, is 30%, once it drops 30%, I will take it out. No matter if I earned like 1 dollar, or nothing, or lose money, I no give shit. 30% is my limit.
yeah right, easier said than done, plus I don't even have the money to invest. At a time my mother asked me how much do i have in my bank account, and I told her. And she said I can invest, and how many can I do?
一粒
just one. (in comparison, my parents can do up to 5000~10000)
and this one thing, can only got me RM10 if i were really lucky. like what? I can lost 500 if im not even careful. So i didn't buy it.
After this shitty long ass story, I even feel like sleeping after typing this, I just want to show off to you guys how stupid am I, for trying to reach shit I don't even know about. And I hate this place, I hate Malaysia so much, my house, the environment, and government, I just don't like it. Of course I probably cry like fuck if i were ever kicked out of the house with no money and such. Money has become one my priorities, for real, without money, there is nothing. For education, for food, for daily necessities, everything needs money.
Of course I also have this ideal thought that my life won't always be surround with money. Like my parents, they are not super rich nor super poor, but we still get to go to london to paris to japan to many countries, and that is because they are willing to spend it, and that they are financially stable. Yes, thats the word. Financially stable, i won't be working every damn hour and neglecting my family (ehem ehem ehem if i ever have one) or my cat (most likely to have one)
This place, has made me a very bad person.
A very very bad person. I hurt people, my friends my family, I am not able to reach out to new things. This very small cramped place has made me feel restricted. It could be my problem, my problem for not earning it myself. But everytime, things happening here, made me want to fight back and stay away from them. And when I went to other countries, they make want to change. A change of environment. Especially Japan, the people are so nice, it makes you want to be nice to them as well. But all I can see here, is just stubborn people and idiotic, money cheating system. Of course im fake, if people treat me good then i treat them good, treat me bad and i treat them bad. I am a vain person, rubbing people ass and such. But a change of environment maybe can help me start over.
Like just now, degrading and scolding my parents like that, it only makes me more hateful. But then, I so wanna go away, and have my own life. Alone, with a friend, with a cat, whatever. I just want to stay away from them. Because I want to explore life myself. I'm not saying it's better. It could be the worst day of my entire life. Have to pay rent, live in a space smaller than my bedroom, cook 3 meals on my own, grocery shopping myself, work day and night, restless. It is tiring, but worth it. I make my own decision, my own life.
People now will say, I'm just bragging, and only moved my mouth not my ass. Say that I'm having stupid thoughts and just being a brat.
And there will also be people who tell my to just study and don't think so much stupid things.
But I just want to say, I'm so sick and tired of people telling me what to do, what to say, what to think. I just want someone to hear me out, and all I every get is "go back to study". This phrase, is very good. The guilt card to thrown to you. But no, either you correct me and say that I was wrong and correct me on my view of stocks or this country or my behaviour, or you say nothing.
That's the end of part 1
I used too much time. So part 2 next time.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Books
Another week gone, so-not-to-my-surprise, as I have been counting down every single day. Went to do some biology and then ended up here. It's gonna be a short post, because I had already figured out what I want to write today :)
Supposedly one of my plans after UEC:
to clean up my room.
My room is a wreck. If my room area is 100%, then 25% is the bed, 25% is the floor, 10% is the closets, and then the rest will be books.
So to be more specific, instead of cleaning up my room, it should be cleaning up the books. I simply cannot believe that, I still keep my J1 books (because I didn't have the chance to sell them) AND my SPM books (because I didn't have the chance to sell them) - the two stacks of books that I'm not gonna read ever again.
And also the love novels i collected since standard 6, which actually filled one layer of my bookshelf. And also the 红蜻蜓 novels i bought since primary school. These two are gonna go out. It took me a while to realize, that most of the books I own, are not what an 18 year old should own, which let me feel embarrassed. For example, I once still stick to buying Geronimo Stilton's books until my parents think that I should stop (I am 16 that time) and gave them to my cousins. I suppose I am still very childish.
In another section, I have Rick Riordan's books, which I am NEVER gonna give away, just let me keep it until my children and grandchildren read it. And also The 39 clues, never gonna give away as well. This actually concludes my favorite possessions, and I also have The Hunger Games trilogy, Mitch Albom collection, I am Number Four collection, and probably some which I cannot remember for now. As for the rest, I will try to give them away, that is when I am sure I will never read them again.
As for the chinese books, 米泽穗信 books I'm definitely keeping it. All of my light novels, such as, 神的记事本，兔使 etc. Ah and the 物语系列! My 刘墉 collection. And some of my Japanese authors collection, let it be detective, scientific, I will keep them. And.... no more. So in the end, my books all came down to such a small stack. As for the rest, I will read them after my UEC, because there are really some books which I didn't get to finish reading or haven't read, I just bought them.
okay enough with the books, some just has to go, and there also a lot which I haven't dig out to see if i still need to keep them or not.
Well, if i need to give some away, then I also need to buy some in as well. AHAHAHAHAH!!!
It's a Saturday, so I get to go to Popular and look around, of course I bought nothing because I have nothing in mind. I just stroll around looking every corner and started jotting down the list of books I wanted to buy:
1. John Green's collection
2. If I Stay collection
3. Divergent trilogy
4. The Maze Runner trilogy
5. Dan Brown's
6. Murakami's
7. I am Number Four collection
8. Stephen Kings's
9. Khaled Hosseini's
10. Hugh Howley's
11. I'll give you the sun
12. Starglass
13. The Tiger's Curse trilogy
14. Jodi Picoult's
15. Theodore Boone collection
16. Cecelia Ahern
17. Wayward Pines
18. Harry Potter
19. The Casual Vacancy
20. Fifty Shades of Grey (?)
21. Extraordinary Means
22. J.R.R. Tolkien's
23. George R.R. Martin
24. 六花的勇者
25. 东川笃哉
26. 米泽穗信
27. 金庸（？）
28. 九把刀
29. 村上春树 (Murakami)
30. 桐华
31. 《罗辑思维》推荐
that's it for now..... I haven't think it through yet....
I know that the Chinese books are so not sufficient. I'm planning to roam out more to find more Chinese books opportunities, please do recommend some :)
And If I'm ambitious enough, I would like to learn Japanese to a level, so I can reread some of the Japanese novels I owned in Chinese, I want to read them in Japanese as well. So much for goals ahahahaha.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Update
Howdie!
Okay, so I just finished writing one piece of my Chinese practical writing homework. and found out that I have 21 minutes + 15 minutes break till the next task (Chemistry), so I decided to check things up here.
Let's just say.... all this while prepping up for this big exam day of the year, it has come down to accurately 2 weeks for all this Sparta to start, and us to show what we are capable of. Feeling very very very emotional right now, depressing, yes, excited, yes, worried, yes, anxious, yes yes yes. But I think I really improved much, little by little everyday. I hope that this not only gets me going in a short period, but for the long run as well.
Today I just got some teeny tiny achievements I guess. For example, I finished memorizing the Chinese poems, easy I know, but it's a good start for waking up my brain and boosting my confidence. After breakfast, did two hours of math and one and a half hour of physics. Math... especially the advanced one, not sure if I improved, but 14 objectives and 1 subjective in two hours.... quite a feat though.... As for physics, the good news is, I got the hang of this exam scheme, well, in UEC, physics doesn't seem so hard at all. Once I flipped the past year papers book, I found out that their questions are actually very direct. OF COURSE they two to three questions that are very hard and challenging, but since I don't really aim high in this subject, I suppose I can manage to get A2.
More about physics, but I'm gonna write some "findings" here... I once read an article - "The laziness paradox", well in conclusion the article is about "sharpening your saw" before "lodging forests". For example, before just rushing to finish the task, we have to do research, or calm our feelings, to achieve the most efficient way in finishing the task. Okay the point it easy to understand but hard to do it.
I was really having trouble in memorizing Geography, and I am still working my way to it. I hope memorizing little by little really help :) And I just found out by today, I will finish Asia! Hallelujah~
Back to physics, I just sharpened my saw today, which is doing research..... well, as I'm not very ambitious towards this subject, yet I don't feel like having a B3, so I proceed to look through every year of subjective questions, and choose 5 questions (that is the requirement during exam) which i know how to do. And to my surprise, I did manage to choose 5, that are straightforward questions, doesn't require lots of change, and has a minimum of formula. Such as, 光学，力学，热学，气体，波（衍射），现代物理。I concluded that these are my strengths and are what I should be working on, for my time is now little, and I still had a lot of subjects to revise. Yup, I gave up on 波（振动）and 电学, but to be honest, I will still try to do the basics, they come in handy. Well, questions change, sometimes they just ask the most simple questions like 磁通量 or 恒定电流. Confidence boosted again.
And after this two, I did some painting. Now I'm really wondering why I take this shitty art subject. If I'm gonna enroll to a university, Art is definitely not the subject I'm gonna submit to anyway, my goodness. Oh well, I painted this mistletoe/cherries.
Okay, so I just finished writing one piece of my Chinese practical writing homework. and found out that I have 21 minutes + 15 minutes break till the next task (Chemistry), so I decided to check things up here.
Let's just say.... all this while prepping up for this big exam day of the year, it has come down to accurately 2 weeks for all this Sparta to start, and us to show what we are capable of. Feeling very very very emotional right now, depressing, yes, excited, yes, worried, yes, anxious, yes yes yes. But I think I really improved much, little by little everyday. I hope that this not only gets me going in a short period, but for the long run as well.
Today I just got some teeny tiny achievements I guess. For example, I finished memorizing the Chinese poems, easy I know, but it's a good start for waking up my brain and boosting my confidence. After breakfast, did two hours of math and one and a half hour of physics. Math... especially the advanced one, not sure if I improved, but 14 objectives and 1 subjective in two hours.... quite a feat though.... As for physics, the good news is, I got the hang of this exam scheme, well, in UEC, physics doesn't seem so hard at all. Once I flipped the past year papers book, I found out that their questions are actually very direct. OF COURSE they two to three questions that are very hard and challenging, but since I don't really aim high in this subject, I suppose I can manage to get A2.
More about physics, but I'm gonna write some "findings" here... I once read an article - "The laziness paradox", well in conclusion the article is about "sharpening your saw" before "lodging forests". For example, before just rushing to finish the task, we have to do research, or calm our feelings, to achieve the most efficient way in finishing the task. Okay the point it easy to understand but hard to do it.
I was really having trouble in memorizing Geography, and I am still working my way to it. I hope memorizing little by little really help :) And I just found out by today, I will finish Asia! Hallelujah~
Back to physics, I just sharpened my saw today, which is doing research..... well, as I'm not very ambitious towards this subject, yet I don't feel like having a B3, so I proceed to look through every year of subjective questions, and choose 5 questions (that is the requirement during exam) which i know how to do. And to my surprise, I did manage to choose 5, that are straightforward questions, doesn't require lots of change, and has a minimum of formula. Such as, 光学，力学，热学，气体，波（衍射），现代物理。I concluded that these are my strengths and are what I should be working on, for my time is now little, and I still had a lot of subjects to revise. Yup, I gave up on 波（振动）and 电学, but to be honest, I will still try to do the basics, they come in handy. Well, questions change, sometimes they just ask the most simple questions like 磁通量 or 恒定电流. Confidence boosted again.
And after this two, I did some painting. Now I'm really wondering why I take this shitty art subject. If I'm gonna enroll to a university, Art is definitely not the subject I'm gonna submit to anyway, my goodness. Oh well, I painted this mistletoe/cherries.
Actually I also painted a tree and a shell, but those two are so damn ugly, that in the end, circular cherries are the best of the day, because they are so easy.
And after lunch and one hour of homework, here am I, using the remains of my 15 minutes break to end this post.
I really hope that everyone's dreams do come true.
Realized that I have not talked about the story where I found vet bloggers on Tumblr. Next time then :)
Currently in love with Sia's Salted Wound. Very slow, it calms me down.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Monday, May 4, 2015
post before exam
我觉得的如果我昨天就开始打这个帖子的话我就不会因为认为自己在浪费时间而深感内疚了。不过话说坐在书桌前抄写格式试剂实在是到一个临界点了，一直忍着不要离开房间，等我抄完了再出去。可是我心里一直重复滔滔不绝的对白，啊啊，最后还是败了，毕竟我还是很善忘。
先谈谈最近一直都在读的这个小说—《化物语》，与其说读，更恰当的词应该是翻阅吧……如果要说这本书有什么不好，真的太啰嗦了。比我还要啰嗦。3个女生的故事可以用上500页，还真不是普通的神奇。好了，《化物语（上）》看完了，再去看下集，2个女生的故事又用了500多页。更厉害的是，这个作者大概写了有18本类似的书。我的妈呀。其实说真的，按照我平凡无奇的实力，怎么可能一天就这样读完500多页的书呢。为什么翻阅？因为在还没买那些书之前我就已经看了动漫了。真糟糕。害我完全无法在阅读的时候拥有“接下来会怎样？”“为什么会这样？”“太震惊了！”的思考模式和惊叹。就这样无趣地读完了。感谢那时候并没有看完整个动漫系列，所以在未来的后面，我还可以细细地品尝。但是我真的没想到会那么长篇大论，啰嗦到快睡着了，我都要抛下书本去看动漫了。对不起啦，nisioisin先生。
要说『物语系列』的书，其实我觉得很不错。虽然我到处和人家说我的智商被拉低了，但是里头的吐槽真的让我感到很轻松愉快。实在是，笑点好低。数了数，一页有大约10～20的来回吐槽，让我看得不亦乐乎。而且单单一个女生的春光外泄就可以被男主角叙述了四页左右。哎呀，透剧了。我躺在床上阅读的时候真的是笑得痴呆痴呆的，放声大笑的感觉挺好的。很快乐哦！从来都没有因为看书那么感觉自在了。不是因为要知道某些剧情，也不是因为要觉得喜怒哀乐而看书，而只是为了看书而看书，那种感觉，恐怕我无法形容。那么他也没有那么让我着迷，看得废寝忘食的，还不至于那么入神。而且里头还有一些让我觉得很离奇的地方，譬如说战场原黑仪的生日是7月7日等。无论如何，这本书就是如此的没有营养。作者还可以写有18本那么多，还真不是普通的神奇。你真是让我十分敬佩，nisioisin先生。
话说我会读这样子的书，也应该没有很稀奇吧。毕竟我是典型的杂食动物，但是恐怕在家人之间会有点不能接受的地方（？）虽然他们从来都没有问我读什么书就是了。不过我想我也应该开始寻找一些比较有营养的书了，毕竟一直活在这种痴呆的梦境里没有很好吧？哈哈！
话说昨天在浏览面子书的时候就看到某个心里测试影片。话说你要我选一个5-12的一个数字？结果测验结果是我是一个百分之一百的平凡人，没有任何的特别之处呢。直接戳中了红心。刚开始我还无法接受，想要洗掉记忆然后重新玩过，但是后来今天早上起来就觉得也无妨。啊啊，心态难得那么坦然。
哈哈哈哈哈。好吧我应该去读书了。
先谈谈最近一直都在读的这个小说—《化物语》，与其说读，更恰当的词应该是翻阅吧……如果要说这本书有什么不好，真的太啰嗦了。比我还要啰嗦。3个女生的故事可以用上500页，还真不是普通的神奇。好了，《化物语（上）》看完了，再去看下集，2个女生的故事又用了500多页。更厉害的是，这个作者大概写了有18本类似的书。我的妈呀。其实说真的，按照我平凡无奇的实力，怎么可能一天就这样读完500多页的书呢。为什么翻阅？因为在还没买那些书之前我就已经看了动漫了。真糟糕。害我完全无法在阅读的时候拥有“接下来会怎样？”“为什么会这样？”“太震惊了！”的思考模式和惊叹。就这样无趣地读完了。感谢那时候并没有看完整个动漫系列，所以在未来的后面，我还可以细细地品尝。但是我真的没想到会那么长篇大论，啰嗦到快睡着了，我都要抛下书本去看动漫了。对不起啦，nisioisin先生。
要说『物语系列』的书，其实我觉得很不错。虽然我到处和人家说我的智商被拉低了，但是里头的吐槽真的让我感到很轻松愉快。实在是，笑点好低。数了数，一页有大约10～20的来回吐槽，让我看得不亦乐乎。而且单单一个女生的春光外泄就可以被男主角叙述了四页左右。哎呀，透剧了。我躺在床上阅读的时候真的是笑得痴呆痴呆的，放声大笑的感觉挺好的。很快乐哦！从来都没有因为看书那么感觉自在了。不是因为要知道某些剧情，也不是因为要觉得喜怒哀乐而看书，而只是为了看书而看书，那种感觉，恐怕我无法形容。那么他也没有那么让我着迷，看得废寝忘食的，还不至于那么入神。而且里头还有一些让我觉得很离奇的地方，譬如说战场原黑仪的生日是7月7日等。无论如何，这本书就是如此的没有营养。作者还可以写有18本那么多，还真不是普通的神奇。你真是让我十分敬佩，nisioisin先生。
话说我会读这样子的书，也应该没有很稀奇吧。毕竟我是典型的杂食动物，但是恐怕在家人之间会有点不能接受的地方（？）虽然他们从来都没有问我读什么书就是了。不过我想我也应该开始寻找一些比较有营养的书了，毕竟一直活在这种痴呆的梦境里没有很好吧？哈哈！
话说昨天在浏览面子书的时候就看到某个心里测试影片。话说你要我选一个5-12的一个数字？结果测验结果是我是一个百分之一百的平凡人，没有任何的特别之处呢。直接戳中了红心。刚开始我还无法接受，想要洗掉记忆然后重新玩过，但是后来今天早上起来就觉得也无妨。啊啊，心态难得那么坦然。
哈哈哈哈哈。好吧我应该去读书了。
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