Until you make an effort

If I follow the 72 rule, will I lose?
Should I give it a go?
If it doesn't happen, what should I do?
Should I be giving up hope then?
Should I just end this?
Oh... The last day will be Friday
So it won't be 72 hours.
That is actually the most reassuring thing I have ever encountered today.
That's a very good news. And very pathetic
Okay then, just follow the rules then, you won't lose.
Hopefully.

I have lost the last intact part of me,
physically, not physically
But it is still there
And I am keeping it with me,
as long as I can keep
as long as I am unwilling to give
It will be staying with me
As long as I want it to be

This is the last thing that is still intact in me
It's the last thing that is perfect in me
And I am not,
I am not giving it to anyone
Until I say so.

Until you make an effort.

You see,
I am the most typical girl
I am normal I think normal

I want what every girl can possibly want
Instant replies when I text
Instant pick up when I call
Food when I have cravings
Holding hands when I am with you
Kissing you when I feel like it
Asking about me
Caring about me
Talking about me
Talking to me
Saying "I love you" first
Saying "I miss you" when you miss me
Expressing feelings
Noticing me
Observe me
Understand me
Know me
Making cute promises

No, I don't need dates
No, I don't need movie nights
No, I don't need a night out
I don't need expensive pandora rings
I don't need money between us

I just need, the most fundamental thing, that is love

And that is the only thing I can't have.

Heck I don't even think you remember our anniversary

There won't be an anniversary
There won't be Valentines
There won't be birthdays

This is how much I know you,
This is how much I know us

I know too much
And I hate it when I know too much.

The thing is
It's me that cause all of these.

It's true
Girls should never make the first step

It is stupid for a girl to boldly find love
It is horrendously stupid and idiotic

I am the one that approach you
I am the one that talks to you

Eventually you accepted it
And you accept it fully

But you never need to make an effort
You never need to find a reason

You get everything you want.

The thing is,
when you earned something you really want
You will try your best to never let it go

And that's what I am doing
I try hard and hard and hard to keep you
Because you are what I earned
I earned this love
I earned this relationship

Your everything means everything to me
I cannot make you angry
I cannot make you upset
I cannot because it means I will lose you
And I cannot afford to lose you
Because you are what I earned

And you
You don't make an effort
Because you never earned me
Because I came to you
You automatically have me

I am not what you earned
You won't need to make an effort to keep me
Is doesn't matter if you lose me
You can just find someone else
And you still don't need to make an effort

I regret
I regret so much
For always always always being the person that makes an effort

That is why you do nothing
Because it doesn't matter if you lose me.

So the thing is
I still have this last thing in me
And I am keeping it

Until you make an effort.

You are not getting anything from me.

My changing perspective towards a relationship

Today I talked to Irene and it has made me want to write it down here as well. The semester tests are finally over and I can have a good break today, so I might as well take some time to sit here alone and think about stuffs and feelings.

So I suppose most of my friends know that I'm in a relationship. His name is Kenneth, I (Everyone too) call him Kenny and occasionally Handsome.  It's not just about how happy I am with him and every detail between us, but more about how being in this relationship has changed me and my way into falling in love.

Being in a relationship actually scares me, because I know myself, being the obsessive, dominant, stubborn partner. Always want to be with him, always want him to think more about me, always expecting him to surprise me or even express his love to me. I used to think that, if I'm going to find someone to be with, then he must tolerate all my wrong doings, always put me in the first place. Hold my hands when we are walking together, share me his food, constantly think about me and the list goes on and on. If he cannot do that, then it's going to be a miserable relationship, that's how arrogant I am.

I remembered the time I got really upset and angry at Kenny, it was the night I'm going to have my physics tests. We finished dinner, and I wanted him to walk me to my exam hall. But eventually he didn't. After the test, I walked back to the hall, wanting to see him, but he was out in town with friends having Carl's Junior. And when he got back, I told him how upset I am, and I feel that I'm nothing to him and not important at all.

"Can you please not say that anymore?" He said that, quite annoyed "I don't want to be like those people that are always together every second and neglect my friends and got distracted on my studies. You can't always put a relationship as first priority, you need to give priority to other things as well." He left, and I couldn't sleep. The next morning I told Irene about it, and I probably realised if this keeps going on, then I am going to lose this relationship and it's not going to work out. A lot of phrases came out on social media, like they were trying to tell me something, like they were meant for me. (But I suppose it's something to do with Big Data).

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”

It's not about changing him anymore, it's about changing me. Of course it came out unexpected, honestly. I started to force myself to not think too much about him, not to care and not to expect anymore. It's true, everyone told me not to expect, even Irene, as the chance of being disappointed more is much higher. The real motive is actually because I'm upset at him and decided to not pour my every heart and soul. I'm actually trying the cold shoulder, cold treatment method. But then this lifestyle starts to seep in, and it changed everything. I find myself more comfortable when I don't think about him every two seconds. I only see him every morning and every night. I reduced the time meeting him to 10-60 minutes every day. Whenever I have free time, I study and not went out to find him.

That's when I started to enjoy this relationship. I love and treasure the time spent with him, but I also treasure the time when I'm with my friends and also when I'm alone in my room, planning my next day and studies. After dinner, I will part with him and we will be doing our own business. He will go to the computer lab to write his reports and prepare presentations, and I will be in my room, doing pre-lab questions and revisions. It usually takes three hours, and when the clock struck 10 p.m., both of us will be done studying (as nothing can go into our brains anymore). Then we will be in his/my room, talking about our day until bedtime. 

The transformation since then has only been one week, but rather than hating it, I embraced it. 

Last weekend, I looked around my room: the stereo that plays the radio channel he likes, the mini heater that he brought all the way from home, the bobby pins he brought back and the disbelief when I told him I lost almost three-quarter the amount he brought back from home. 

I wrote down love advice I gave to myself:

"Try to look from his perspective. Stop being clingy and needy. You're not going to die without him around you for a couple hours. Look around your room, look what he has given to you. He gave you a lot, and the last thing you can do it to not distract him from his studies and make him feel bad. He needs to study and so do you, so you need to understand why he doesn't look for you 24/7. He's worried about you not getting into pre-selection."

I tried to recall the messages he told me:

"As long as he gets to see the person he cares about every morning and night, he will be happy the whole day."

"You are important."

Either I wasn't aware about it at the beginning, but he was turning more and more like a sweetheart. Today he was going to town and he messaged me if I wanted to buy anything, which I totally did not expect. That was a miracle enough, and I am so grateful. It rained today and his car's battery went flat. He can't bike so he can only take the bus. And just half an hour ago I saw three notebooks that I asked him to buy earlier on my desk and a note from him. 

It was all those little things that matter and blossomed into a strong relationship. Now thinking, if I was ever this grateful in my past relationship, maybe nothing will change in the past. How ironic it is, that in my previous relationship, we can always see each other for 5 days every week, even after school, we will chat online until night. Yet, at that time, I always feel neglected and not enough. The relationship wasn't that horrible, but enough to let one lose all hope and feel miserable (I truly regret it.) But now, I only get to see Kenny every morning for 10-15 minutes, and then we will be busy going to lectures and labs, and university is so big we almost never meet each other on campus. Later at night we will only have 30 minutes to an hour to talk after our studies. Having dinner together is also a rare occasion because he usually have labs until 6:30p.m. However, I feel perfectly fine, I don't feel upset that I didn't get to see him and cling to him, and I don't get mad when he left without me to do his own business. I was happy with my results and enjoy studying, I enjoy being together with my friends, and even feeling serene when I was in my room alone or during lectures. 

Again I wasn't sure but I felt that Kenny himself has become more affectionate than before. There was also a time when I was upset because he doesn't like holding hands when we are walking together in campus. He told me that he didn't like it, and I decided that I should cope with it, even though, honestly at first, I was really sad about it. Well, I force to tell myself, it's just holding hands, no big deal. And as time progresses, just tonight, he gave me a hug after dinner before going to the library to meet his presentation partners, in front of our friends, and that is so much more better than holding hands. And so much more unexpected.

Surprisingly, I start to give again. It's not that I never give, it's that I'm willing to give. More and more and more. Hugs and kisses every day, helping him to collect his bed sheets and making his bed, washing his mug and bowl when he left it on his desk, hurrying to a lecture, taking a cup of water for him during dinner.... And I love every single second of it. I don't feel that imbalance I had in the past anymore, where I always think that I gave more but received less. That's one of the reasons why I got mad at Kenneth last week, because of that feeling of being used. Of course, now that I think about it, I just laughed at myself for being paranoia and thinking too much.

I might be getting proud, but yes, I truly believe that this relationship has changed the both of us. And it is a good change. Yes, this relationship may not be the one that I dreamt of. It doesn't have affectionate gestures and thoughtful thinking. It's not a prince on his white horse, giving you everything he has. It's going to be simple and serene. Who is it to decide that you got the perfect relationship? It's you, yourself, or even the both of you. As long as you enjoy it, you treasure it, and you are grateful about it, it's going to work out. Dreams don't choose you, you choose the dreams. 

I wish that everyone will have a good day, everyday! 

Mid-semester Break

If you look closely enough, you can see that my wish-list is still empty ever since the first day i created that little space. I was actually going to write a "New Year's resolution" post but then it's already late-March because I procrastinated. Not really in the mood of writing as there are not much stories happening.

It's the mid-sem break and finally I can put aside all of my studies. Not. Basically the moment the break ends, you get bombarded by tons of lab quiz, tests and semester tests. So much for "breaks". The holidays actually starts on Good Friday, but I've been starting my break since last Monday, because I don't need to attend 2 out of 4 labs, which puts me into a holiday mood. Not doing revisions and sleeping the whole afternoon.

I went to my first clubbing last Thursday. Seen my snaps and you know I'm crazy. Not as crazy as the people here though. I had fun overall. I really like dancing in the club hahahahahahahahahaha (so unbashful.) There's a lot of laughing and crazy stunts. Wondering when will be my next clubbing? Probably end of the semester.

For now, I got a 28.5/30 in my Chemistry semester test. And I got full marks for all of my laboratory quizzes and tests and skills, which are included in the marking system. So I'm really feeling great! I probably told this to like tons of people close to me but I just wanna write it down to keep on motivating myself.

As for exercise, been running for probably 3 times a week, 2 km each. The thing is non-stop, which is a great accomplishment! Before that I only run about 1km and walk the other 1km. So happy I succeeded. I'm actually thinking of running two rounds around campus in the future, but now I'm gonna take it slowly.

I have also been searching for flats to rent for next semester. It's actually quite cheaper to live outside campus, I found pretty good deals living outside and asked Irene to stay outside with me. But just yesterday, she told me that she might live in campus the following semester and only move out next year. That's not good because 2 people living in a room is actually much more cheaper than living alone, and I searched for single rooms and did the calculations but they are no where cheaper than living in campus. Also, semester tests usually take place during the night, where we end at about 8:30p.m., and the thought of taking the bus alone home does not amuse me. I might discuss with my parents and see how it goes.

Troye Sivan's music is really nice!

Fuck my life.

Today is nothing but a mere shitty story, no thoughts no ideas, just another shitty day.

Today is Crazy Sports Day, and I have no clue what "sports" they are playing but I'm sure it's going to be fun. This morning, our hall people are rehearsing our chant on the field, and I have to say it's really cool and full of heat! And after our hall chant, all of them just got ready to leave to the arena.

Except me.

And a couple of others.

Why am I not going?

Because I have to study. Let's just clarify, that the only reason I ever got here, is to pass the pre-vet elimination and get into my dream course. But who doesn't love some team spirit and this is like one of those chance to get along with everybody else. And I blew it away. I blew fucking everything away.

And I'm desperate, I'm even considering going counselling.

I was there, on the field, learning the chant and the moves, getting into the mood and hype. I don't know if the crazy sport is compulsory, but the RAs knocked on everybody's door and asked them out. But I didn't saw some of my friends, they were not there. And I'm beyond scared, cause I have no one I know were there. So I called them, and some were in the library, some in their rooms. And I asked them to come down and join, maybe go to the crazy sports.

And they said no. Because they want to study. Because it's the semester test next week.

And I know, that I shouldn't be going. Because I need to study as well. Am I behind? Yes damn fucking shit I'm fucking behind every shit. I don't wanna be behind. Even if I'm not behind, I'm gonna overtake all those shit people.

I need to go in. I'm not gonna waste another year of time and money to retake the course. I'm not.

So it's shit. It's a shit day.

So I decided, that now, if I'm gonna give up all of my social life and new friends, I better study fucking hard and get into this fucking course. Fucking course the only thing I hated about it is that it just took away all of my life. Fucking shit people asked you to relax and have a fun uni, no, don't fucking relax, because people are going to overtake you and you are going to lose.

If you are gonna win this battle, you better be well prepared to lose it all.

Fuck my life.

A month in Palmy

Yes, I'm still alive and kicking.

So it's been a month now (actually just 3 more days to a month), staying in Palmerston North, living in my empty, never-ever-this-tidy room, studying everyday and preparing for my classes and labs. To be honest, I have never been this happy to finally leave home (country) and exploring new places. People complimented me, even people in here and told me that I'm very brave to go to a country so far away from home at this age, but I just thought it's normal. I know a lot of my friends are going to Melbourne, Taiwan, USA, hence my case is just nothing.

Palmerston North is too much of a peaceful and quiet place that sometimes it just feels boring (even compared to Malaysia!). But I got a completely new lifestyle and I'm really loving it! The air is very clean and refreshing every single day, and I'm feeling healthier as I have to keep walking back and forth around campus. The buses are free so I don't have to pay for transportation. There are a lot of supermarkets (Just like Giant over there) that sell really really really cheap stuff. I can go to the toilet every single day, and my skin just transformed into this velvety smooth that I never had before! (Just realised it yesterday.) I start to take olive oil and DHA omega-3 supplements every morning, and chocolate drinks every night.

Two days ago, I had my first breakdown. I cried talking to one of my closest friends, and telling them I'm not making any good friends and that I'm anti-social. I can't find a common ground with people and none of them felt sincere towards me. The worst thing is, I can't even find common ground with people I loved back in Malaysia. I'm jealous, of course I am, to see people planning on going out together, to play, to eat happily with each other, and I'm stuck here. There's a day where I can't even go to the funeral of my teacher, and that night I'm just trying to get it off my head, and that's when all of these emotions starts to pile up.

Making new friends in a new place is difficult, you don't have the same classes so you can't stick together everyday. People come and go in university, every meeting is fated. Mostly they just last for that one hour of lecture. Then there are also the cool kids where you feel intimidated to join them but you know you are not like them and it will never be a match. And you feel unwanted when you had two people by your side at first and then suddenly it's just them two.

I can be paranoia but I know, if I'm still going to be in the silent not doing anything, I might lose everything. That's why I tried to contact my friends as frequent as possible, to let them not push me so far behind their heads, and to let them know I really miss them and love them. But I never got to anywhere far because I'm always busy studying, getting meals, going to classes. And I'm angry at myself when I can't continue a conversation any further when it's time for me to sleep, to study. And the breakdown finally occurred to me that I'm not prepared at all to lose everyone.

I told what I'm going through to my friend that night, and he said I'm being stupid to think that friendships can be so fragile. He told me that even when people don't contact for a long period, they will never forget you. How can I be so selfish? To think that friendships are just paper, easily torn, easily crushed, I guess I've always been like this. Things like this always happen, we were once closest friends, and now we are just strangers that nods and smile to each other. Once realising how much pain it is to always lose the bond once people are separated, I've never take friendships too seriously. Occasionally I do, but then at night I will always tell myself to be prepared for it, to be not sad when the day finally comes, which is best if it never does. But then of course the day comes, it happens eventually. And on that parting day, I never bothered to cry, because all those nights telling myself to be prepared finally paid off.

So on that night I found myself losing everything and not gaining anything, I cried listening and singing to sad songs about parting and losing (Yeah, so me.) I decided to listen to my friend's voice messages, and truly he always comes up with great advice. I should never tried to hard to humour people, to try so hard to push myself into their lives. Instead, I should be improving myself, to make myself a better person, and then I will have people coming to me to know me, to make friends with me. So this, is what I'm aiming to be, a better person than yesterday. People in Palmy are very very friendly and passionate, it's just that people come and go to easily I never know who can stay long enough for me to finally make a bond. So it's up to me.

There was a point where I started swearing for a short period of time because it finally caught some people's attention (People swear here a lot!). But I hated myself for swearing. I remembered when my friend Mike told me to not swear because it just impolite and leaves a bad impression to people. Of course then I swear occasionally but sometimes never, and not in front of people or only with people that is really close to me. But that day when I start swearing I felt a certain accomplishment as people were amused by my swearing. (Now, I just feel embarrassed.) So once my friend advised me not to humour people, I decided to stop swearing again, and to be myself. Because people are never alone I guess, it's up to us to decide. And yesterday, surprise, someone came to my room to talk to me and we studied together. She's a lovely girl too, and she is also the one whom I confessed to about my anti-social behaviour. And she say she is willing to put me into one of her special places. Thanks to her I'm really feeling better.

As for people that has ever walked into my life and painted a colourful picture on my canvas, I truly appreciate you guys, and I know that even if miles part us apart, and social media never get to make up the emptiness as time passed by, you will all still have a special place in my heart, and it's never wavered and never forgotten. I'm sorry that at some point I thought that friendships are just fragile creatures and never told you guys before. Now I did and may have hurt you but it's a childish past. I'm going to love you guys more than ever, because I always love myself for loving people! It gives me a sense of appreciation and loyalty, and I love this me. To love and to be loved.

Kia Ora!

Kia Ora!

I've been seeing this welcoming phrase since the first day I got accepted into Massey. I'm just as shocked to found out that I've been absent in this blog for 2 months and I somehow regret it for not wanting to update my blog because so much has happened in those two months. Possibly a lot of appreciation and gratefulness to my ex-peers/boss/co-workers... The two clinic hamsters that gave birth to a total of 8 babies are doing so fine, with the help of Onnie/Xuannie (Ong Zhi Xian) snapchatting videos to me everyday. I'm now in this spacious room in Auckland, using the 1GB free wifi to type this blog instead of using it to finish my assignment. (Sigh, procrastination is a sin.)

However, I'm quite proud of myself in contributing the forum of an online course I signed up for, and the lecturer is really helpful. I really learned a lot through this online course (about academic writing and APA format), though I really have to say I'm really thankful that Miss Evon (I never really appreciated her before :( ) taught us APA last year, so it's not quite a hard and shocking task for me now.

So, here I am in Auckland, and in another 8 hours I will be taking a domestic flight to Palmerston North. I'm so excited, nervous and scared, because I never thought that I would go this far. Time has flew by so fast I can't even have the time to lie down in my bed and do some self-reflection. Anyways, I'm really glad that people are so friendly in here. I really hope to meet new friends over there as soon as possible. Crossing fingers that everything will be fine tomorrow and will go smoothly! I will need to go to the bank to proceed my account, get my Student ID card and also buy a SIM card.

That's it for today, because although 1 GB of internet is sufficient, I don't feel like procrastinating anymore and need to send in the draft as soon as possible so I can improve further. Not much after being gone for so long.... bye!

Small update

Since I still have 30 minutes before going to work, might as well make a small update. I actually felt very very regretful for not going with my friends to Penang. For starters, I really need to stop neglecting my friends. I find myself missing them a lot. Since it's over, let me just take it as a lesson and move forward.

As my UEC results are coming soon, I'm having a slight insomnia as the days come closer. Even though I was very tired when the day ended, and slept at 10pm, I couldn't help opening my eyes in the middle of the night. At first it was 5am, then 4am, then 3am, then 2am... It's very troublesome for me, and I had to sleep at 11pm yesterday so I can totally wear myself out. But I still woke up quite early, which is 5am. I really hope that the day could arrive soon, so I can get back my sleep.

The happy thing is, I'm sort of ready to complete my application. My certificates are sorted (but haven't filed), my personal statement is done (few weeks ago), and my letter of working experience has been filled by the doctor. What could possibly go wrong? Hahaha, my results. Well, I'm still confident and optimistic about my results. But I should also start having some self-preparation.

Well, that's it. I have nothing much to say. I should go get myself a cup of coffee.